While the descriptors of this topic are often seen as something outside of our experience, it is a dynamic that often happens in families. This week, it also gives insight as the possible dynamic of the Boston terror attack suspect.
CLICK HERE TO READ: Brainwashing techniques vs mind control methods.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
"Why Did the Affair Happen?"-Huffington Post
April 1, 2013
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Why Did The Affair Happen?
Posted: 04/01/2013 2:00 am
Often, when we discover that a partner has been cheating, the first question is an anguished "Why?" This often-unanswerable question is what drives us to ruminate on what happened, and we may force our partners to talk about the details over and over again, hoping to find the answers we are searching for.
One of the first things you will need to do to heal from an affair is to explore this question of why it happened and to be open to hearing the real, honest truth. Most people want to blame the cheating partner. And the cheating partner does have to take responsibility for pursuing the outside relationship. But no affair happens in a vacuum.
Collusion in the Affair
Collusion means "secret cooperation." The dictionary says that collusion is "secret cooperation between two people in order to do something underhanded or undesirable." Many couples, if they are honest with themselves, may find that the partner who was cheated on colluded with the infidelity even if he or she didn't participate directly in the affair. That means that on some level, there was some type of cooperation, even if unconscious, to make the affair happen.
This secret cooperation may mean the betrayed partner is doing something in the relationship to collude with his or her partner's behavior, even if he or she doesn't realize it. To be unconsciously aware means that on some level, the betrayed partner had an idea that their spouse was cheating.
In a 1995 study, two groups of practicing therapists described extramarital affairs they treated or were themselves involved in. They reported that 89% of betrayed spouses in the study were consciously aware of the infidelity or, even if they did not acknowledge it, really did know about the affair. The majority of the betrayed spouses behaved as if they were in collusion with their cheating partners, even when they said they were opposed to the affairs.
Maria and Frank had been stuck in conflict over Maria's affair for over a year. Maria had cheated on Frank with a neighbor, Joe, someone they saw weekly for card games and occasional barbeques. When Frank found out that Maria had cheated with Joe, he became incensed and almost left her.
As time progressed and Maria and Frank discussed the affair, Maria shared her confusion with her husband: "I always felt that you approved of my relationship with Joe. You saw how he flirted with me, and you even encouraged me to go over there when his wife was out of town. You used to say that Joe was probably lonely and that maybe I should go over and have a drink with him. Now you are so mad at me! There's some kind of mixed message here."
Frank was furious with Maria for insinuating that he pushed her into the affair: "I never told you to cheat with him. Did I ever say, 'Go sleep with Joe; he and his wife aren't having any?"
As Frank's feelings calmed down, he tried to see things from Maria's point of view, to find some empathy for her experience: "I guess it makes sense that she would move toward Joe. Maybe I was hoping that they would cheat so I would have an excuse to leave."
Maria said, "This is not your fault. I definitely made the move to step over the line." Frank realized he had unconsciously colluded with her about the affair.
Affairs as Exits
An exit can be any behavior that a partner uses to avoid being truly present in the relationship, whether emotionally, psychologically, sexually, or even physically. Harville Hendrix, author of the best-selling self-help book Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, says smaller exits can include anything that helps you to avoid dealing with conflict or intimacy, including being on the computer, checking e-mails, texting, or staying late at work. Any behavior that is used to avoid ways to engage with your partner is considered an exit. Bigger exits include things like gambling, drinking, and taking drugs. An affair is considered one of the biggest exits and is what Hendrix called "an invisible divorce."
Affairs are only one way to exit from the relationship, but they can be a powerful and damaging way to avoid the intimacy of a monogamous partnership. However, whenever the person who is exiting traces his or her behavior back to the moment he or she exited, it often becomes clear that at that time, his or her partner was exiting as well. If the cheating partner can trace his or her behavior back to the point where the indiscretion began, it may become clear that the affair was an attempt to deal with the feelings of a partner who "exited" the relationship first.
Mike and Sheila came to therapy after Mike had an affair with a woman he met on the Internet. Every time he tried to talk to Sheila about his loneliness and feelings of disconnection, she would get defensive and accuse Mike of trying to shut down her needs professionally.
Mike said, "I never wanted her to stop working. I wanted her to be home with me. Eventually I started a relationship with this woman who advertised on adult websites. She never let me down, and whenever I was lonely, she was there for me."
Often, one or both partners may see an affair as a way to avoid conflict or intimacy, and eventually may see it as an exit from the relationship. In exploring why your partner pursued an affair, you may discover that he perceived that you exited the relationship first. This can be a difficult thing to accept, especially amid the fresh pain of a newly discovered affair.
Sometimes the "why" of an affair is not as important as what happens after, if you can create a new monogamy, together.
For more information on creating your new monogamy and a new relationship together, click here.
Dr. Tammy Nelson is a world renowned sex and relationship expert and the author ofThe New Monogamy and Getting the Sex You Want. She can be found atwww.drtammynelson.com
Follow Tammy Nelson, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drtammynelson
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Private Jet as Security Write-Off? 10 Most Insane Tax Loopholes | Alternet
For corporations and the 1 percent, tax season offers plenty of ways to dodge Uncle Sam. Now THIS is reckless spending!! And they don't even call it an "entitlement"! Whatever has happened to the English language, and its perversion by Congress and Republicans.
Click here to read about these perversions!
Click here to read about these perversions!
Friday, March 1, 2013
The School of “Heart” Knocks « Synergy Magazine / The Magazine for Mindful Living / Vancouver Island, BC, Canada
A former criminal lawyer and psychotherapist, Jeff Brown is the author of “Soulshaping: A Journey of Self-Creation,” endorsed by authors Elizabeth Lesser and Ram Dass. It is Brown’s autobiography; an inner travelogue of his journey from archetypal male warrior to a more surrendered path.
(Read some of Jeff's story....)
(Jeff is also available on Twitter, and has websites that are an ongoing example of soul work.)
(Read some of Jeff's story....)
(Jeff is also available on Twitter, and has websites that are an ongoing example of soul work.)
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
State Of The Union: Republicans Praise Obama On Energy, Immigration
Despite Republican criticism of President Barack Obama's State of the Union address, some GOP lawmakers offered rare praise for some aspects of the president's speech, including his emphasis on energy independence and the need for comprehensive immigration reform.........(Click here to continue reading....)
Huge study: 5 mental disorders share genetic links ~ Salon
The largest genetic study of mental illnesses to date finds five major disorders may not look much alike but they share some gene-based risks. The surprising discovery comes in the quest to unravel what causes psychiatric disorders and how to better diagnose and treat them.......
Click here to continue reading..)
Click here to continue reading..)
Sandy Weiner: 6 Ways to Recognize And Stop Dating A Narcissist
This article is clear-cut, and also synchronous with the emails I have recently received from readers about overlap with the 'alpha male' qualities. There are indeed some differences, but there is great overlap. Read this article, and see what you think! (Click to read article)
Saturday, February 23, 2013
5 Reasons the Keystone Pipeline Is Bad for the Economy ~ Alternet
Those concerned with jobs should keep in mind that the pipeline is as much a threat to our economy as it is to our planet.........(Click here to read more...)
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Living a Lie | Psychology Today
Fooling yourself can have devastating consequences, especially in the domains of money, career, sexual identity and relationships. Meet four people who fought their way to an authentic life.
"Yes, you are just a little bit smarter than most people. Funnier, too. And while we’re at it, more appealing. Your strengths are writ large, and your flaws are, well, minimal. Your successes are hard-earned. Failures? Most are the result of sheer bad luck.
Almost all of us engage in self-deception, little denials or rationalizations that remove unpleasant evidence of our warts. Episodes of self-enhancement are absolutely normal. In fact, slightly overrating ourselves seems to be psychologically healthy. Self-deception......"
(Click here to read full article)
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201212/living-lie
Monday, February 4, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Dating The Alpha Male | BettyConfidential.com
While this comes from more of a standard site, the information is clear and accurate. The caveats within are stunningly wise........(read the article)
Thursday, January 31, 2013
"The Apha Male Synopsis" by Kate Ludeman, PhD
The Alpha Male Syndrome
Synopsis
Worth Ethic Corporation
The Alpha Male...under the flimsy raincoat!
While alpha males are initially socially seductive with their charm, choosing one as a partner can be quite regrettable. As Tricia Ellis-Christensen of wiseGEEK writes, some superficial information is well worth knowing. Her article is at:
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
GPS Guide: Dr. Annie Kagan Gets In Touch With Her Infinite Self
The stress and strain of constantly being connected can sometimes take your life -- and your well-being -- off course. GPS For The Soul can help you find your way back to balance.
GPS Guides are our way of showing you what has relieved others' stress in the hopes that you will be able to identify solutions that work for you. We all have de-stressing "secret weapons" that we pull out in times of tension or anxiety, whether they be photos that relax us or make us smile, songs that bring us back to our heart, quotes or poems that create a feeling of harmony, or meditative exercises that help us find a sense of silence and calm. We encourage you to look at the GPS Guide below, visit our other GPS Guides here, and share with us your own personal tips for finding peace, balance and tranquility. ~ Dr. Annie Kagan ~
(continue reading)
Thursday, January 10, 2013
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"there were no words, but images flooded every cell in her being ...4 and a half decades!"
