MY WORK ... MY PASSION

• Certified Transpersonal Hypnotherapist ; Past experiences: Dream Analysis /10 Years Experience •Psychotherapist / Use of Gestalt, Jungian, Zen, Reality and Energy Therapies /10 Years Experience •EMDR • Men and Their Journey: the neuroscience of the male brain, and the implications in sexuality, education and relationship • Women: Their Transformation and Empowerment ATOD (Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drugs) / 21 years experience •Ordained Interfaith Minister & Official Celebrant • Social Justice Advocate • Child and Human Rights Advocate • Spiritual Guide and Intuitive • Certified Reiki Practitioner • Mediation / Conflict Resolution • “Intentional Love” Parenting Strategy Groups • Parenting Workshops • Coaching for parents of Indigo, Crystal, and Rainbow Children • International Training: Israel & England • Critical Incident Stress Debriefing • Post-911 and Post-Katrina volunteer

MSW - UNC Chapel Hill

BSW - UNC Greensboro

"An Unending Love"

This blog and video is devoted and dedicated to my daughter, my grand daughters, and my grand son. They are hearts of my heart. Our connection through many lives..... is utterly infinite.




The Definition of Genius

"THRIVE"

https://youtu.be/Lr-RoQ24lLg

"ONLY LOVE PREVAILS" ...."I've loved you for a thousand years; I'll love you for a thousand more....."




The degree of our enlightenment is the degree of passion that we will have for the whole world." ~The Greystone Mandala


~The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Winston Churchill


"Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Do not go gentle into that good night."

Dylan Thomas

TECHNOLOGY..........

In “Conversations with God”, by Neale Donald Walsch, there is a warning I think of. I refer to it as the Atlantis passage, and I've quoted it a few times before." As I have said, this isn't the first time your civilization has been at this brink,"

God tells Walsch. "I want to repeat this, because it is vital that you hear this. Once before on your planet, the technology you developed was far greater than your ability to use it responsibly. You are approaching the same point in human history again. It is vitally important that you understand this. Your present technology is threatening to outstrip your ability to use it wisely. Your society is on the verge of becoming a product of your technology rather than your technology being a product of your society. When a society becomes a product of its own technology, it destroys itself."

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

"Everything Happens for A Reason" / from YouTube:Dedicated to each who has brought me a strong lesson.

As I watch this, every person who has walked through my earthly experience, goes through my mind.  I thank each of them, even though they may have delivered the lesson in a difficult way.............

"We Are One"....Namaste / Courtesy of YouTube

"High Level Brainwashing" from Brainwashing Children website


High level brainwashers are professionals at wrecking parent-child relationships. They are masters at turning their perceived victimhood into manipulative lies intent on destroying their own child’s love for the other parent. This mental child abuse that causes lasting scars, even when the child does one day realize the fraud and lies perpetrated onto them. 

Top actions of an alienating parent

  • Doesn’t inform you of upcoming school activities (especially unexpected ones)parental alienation is child abuse
  • Expresses no enthusiasm for fun events you’re doing with the child (vacations, amusement parks, etc)
  • Limits child’s cellphone and computer usage, so you’ll rarely get a call, text, or email
  • Refers to you by your first name in their home (Dad becomes “David;” Mom becomes “Julie”)
  • Accomplishes a post-visitation shakedown, extracting as much info as possible to find negatives
  • Hands the phone directly to the child when you call, avoiding even civil conversations with you
  • Pops anti-depressant pills (as many have a history of depression)
  • Able to hold resentment towards young, innocent children (ie, your children from another marriage)
  • Never calls you when the child is sick or taken out of school
  • Teaches the child adult things to tell you, such as “I don’t feel comfortable about the duration of our summer visitation, Dad”
  • Teaches the child how to despise or hate another human being
  • Labels themselves the “good” parent; labels you the “bad” parent
  • Tells the child false stories about their childhood
  • Tells the child in vivid detail how he or she was victimized by you (while taking no blame at all for the divorce)
  • Teaches the child how to lie to you (coating their little hearts with false malice and scorn)
  • Diminishes your extended family’s worth
  • Neglects to have the child call you for your birthday, on New Year’s Eve, or other important dates
  • Refuses to help the child reach and call/email/mail cards on relatives’ birthdays on your side of the family tree
  • Uses child’s cellphone as a leash
  • Rarely if ever a call to you on Father’s Day or Mother’s Day on behalf of child
  • Never gets the child excited about seeing you
  • Reminds the child of all that he or she will be missing while with you and away from them
  • Inflicts his or her unhappiness onto the child (as alienators are deeply unhappy people)
  • Attempts via a lawyer to reduce visitation to that even below family court minimum standards
  • Takes the child out of state without a peep, while demands precise details whenever you travel with them
  • Monopolizes the child’s time for hours on the phone (if you let them)
  • Views any event in the child’s life– a distant Aunt’s birthday, a friend’s birthday, etc– as more important than their time with you
  • Teaches the children from their current marriage to despise you
  • Informs children of alienator’s plans for them past 18 (you’ll go to college at X, and will stay here with me)
  • Is jealous of anything fun and memorable you do with the child (as they view the good times as a threat)
  • Gripes about things you’re doing as a parent to the child, but says nothing to you about it
  • Has outbursts around the child (extremely dramatic ones)
  • Lacks a filter, spilling any adult topic into the child’s head

The de-identification of a child’s own parent

Two extremely unfortunate but common tactics an alienating parent will use to further damage the child’s connection to the targeted parent is to:
  • Teach the child to call the targeted parent by their first name
  • Eliminate the targeted parent’s last name
Teach the child to call the targeted parent by his/her first name onlyThis is very common. The aggrieved, victimized (in his or her eyes), brainwashing parent can’t stand the thought of the targeted parent being in the child’s life. So since labels and words matter so much in a child’s world, a quick way to devalue that parent is to label them by their first name. Not “Daddy,” and not “Mommy.”
This is destructive to a child’s soul, as now they’ve stopped having a Mom or Dad to address (of course, that label will be used on the alienator’s new spouse if they have one). Since what kids label becomes their reality, over time this causes their feelings to become at minimum muted towards this “Justin” or “Christine.” Imagine calling your own mother “Christine” for years, and never muttering the words “Mommy…”  do you think you’ll have the same feelings towards someone who’s not being labeled your mother?
It’s yet another way of instilling false feelings in children, and it’s abusive.
Eliminate the targeted parent’s last name
Another unfortunate effort by an alienating parent is to eliminate or modify the child’s last name. Of course, we’re talking wiping out or dropping the targeted parent’s last name.
So Elizabeth Tracey Smith, whose father’s last name is Smith, is taught to stop using Smith and substitute the mother’s maiden name, Johnson, instead.
Or John Paul Warren-Stevens, whose mother’s last name is Stevens, is taught to drop Stevens.
Some parents even teach their children that once they’re 18 that they can legally drop the targeted person’s last name.
In my case, my son’s name was modified by the judge to have two last names. When I brought a hearing before the judge showing that my son is being encouraged to not write his last name anywhere (with lots of evidence, including testimony and actual school homework and folders), unfortunately the judge (Judge Gary Coley in Waco, Texas) didn’t care about my concerns and ignored my pleas. So today my son, if his name were George Herbert Walker Bush, has an effective name of George Herbert Walker. My last name,”Bush“, has been eliminated from everything.
How to effectively respond to a de-identification campaign
De-identifying a parent is the cornerstone the parents who are brainwashing their child to get revenge at an ex. If you’re on the receiving end of these techniques, here’s what you need to remember:
1. Do not allow your child to call you by your first name. You don’t allow him or her to use profanity, do you? No difference here. It’s profane to call your own parent by his or her first name.
2. Ensure that your child is using his or her legal last name at school and at sports activities. Speak to the teachers and principal and let them know that you’re concerned that your child is not writing his or her last name correctly.
Do not go heavy on your child with the last tip, as they will just hunker down and resent you further. Use the school to enact the change… not the child.



Thursday, July 25, 2013

"When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong" (or.....Loving and Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life")by Mary Jo Fay


"Walking on Eggshells
If I printed all the stories people have sent me, this book would be so big you couldn't carry it. Yet, one of the most interesting things about gathering real-life accounts was the commonality in language and feelings among respondents. I found it absolutely fascinating that these people, who came from all over the country and with completely different circumstances, could use exactly the same phrases and describe exactly the same feelings...."

CLICK HERE TO FINISH READING ARTICLE......http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Jeff Brown Delivers the Weekly Inspiration on Never Losing Faith in Your Brilliance - ABC News

"I have never been one who believed that human births are accidents, or that we are little more than random concentrations of stardust. I believe we are all here with a divine purpose at the heart of our birth..........."   
CLICK HERE TO READ

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

"Reincarnation" (Part 1 of 3)...presented by Lucis Trust...YouTube

Parts 2 and 3 are found on same page of YouTube



"George Zimmerman, Off the Hook" ~ Mark Fiore/ Daily Kos


The George Zimmerman trial was about much more than race.  In fact, while everyone was talking about racial issues surrounding the death of Trayvon Martin, the jury was guided by metastasizing Stand-Your-Ground laws.  You need look no further than the jury instructionsto find the power of the NRA and ALEC.
The defense in the Zimmerman trial was able to put the burden of proof on the victim, Trayvon Martin.  The question became, what had this unarmed teenager done to scare an armed man who was following him, not, why did the armed man follow and kill the unarmed teen?  The guy with the gun had more legal protections than the unarmed kid.  What would happen if we expanded these gun rights even further?  That's where Shoot-em-up Charlie comes in.
If you dig a little deeper, you'll find there are cases that are even more awful than the Zimmerman case.  While Shoot-em-up Charlie takes the lead on this cartoon, stick around at the end to listen to a truly disturbing 911 call from a man about to put these new laws into action.
Be sure to comment, like, share and do all that good social media stuff so more people can see this cartoon and we'll continue to have a discussion about these ridiculous laws.

[Shoot-em-up Charlie]
Hi there, gun-lovers and soon-to-be gun lovers!  
Shoot-'em-up Charlie here [blam-blam] to tell you how we got George Zimmerman off the hook!
As much as I'd like to, I can't take all the credit!
It's the NRA and ALEC who laid the groundwork!
They've specialized in getting shoot-em-up-friendly laws passed all across the country!
See, the law in Florida is an awful lot like the "model legislation" distributed by ALEC and passed in twenty-six states . . .
Which is an awful lot like the jury instructions in the Zimmerman trial!
These "Stand-Your-Ground" shoot-em-up-friendly laws let you shoot someone if you kinda' reasonably feel you might sorta' be in danger--
Even if you created your own danger by seeking it out. [blam-blam]
Which makes it the victims fault for scaring you, and gives more rights to the person with the gun!  [blam-blam]
Sooo we plan on expanding these laws to give more protections and benefits to gun owners everywhere!
Tired of long lines at the DMV?  
First-In-Line gun laws will allow you and your gun to move to the head of the line and be on your way faster!
Guns-On-The-Go legislation will let you breeze through tollbooths, unmolested and with rights intact!
Right-To-Feast laws will guarantee you an unlimited food supply,
And Bullet Banking legislation will end your financial worries, and give you more time for your Second Amendment rights!
So whether you're shooting kids on your porch, or screaming at the 911 dispatcher about your new rights, Shoot-Em-Up Charlie and the NRA are here to make shooting easier!
[blam-blam]
I rest my case.
[blam]

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO COMICS ON FRI JUL 19, 2013 AT 06:50 AM PDT.

ALSO REPUBLISHED BY SHUT DOWN THE NRA AND DAILY KOS.

"The Zimmerman Drones" / From Tom Tomorrow/Daily Kos

The Zimmerman Drones"

Monday, July 22, 2013

IMPORTANT!!! "Five Ways to Divest from Monsanto" (originally from Urban Times, then in Utne Reader)


Five Ways to Divest From Monsanto

Corn-Close-Up 
This article originally appeared at Urban Times  
Monsanto, the mistress of the GMO initiative, needs a wake up call. While campaigns to label genetically modified organisms increase and state governments work to bring the legislature into action, many Americans are not aware of just how entrenched Monsanto is within national and global food production. Whether it is due to the call of convenience or general ignorance of the millions of genetically engineered ingredients masquerading as food, the biggest blow we can deliver to the GMO giant is to convince the general public to divest from Monsanto (and the rest of the biotech food industry) completely.
What does it mean to divest? Let’s take a page from the current college playbook and replicate what activist Bill McKibben has done for fossil fuels and climate change – and apply it to our food. Colleges across the country are stepping up and divesting from the companies that support fossil fuels in a nationwide campaign to illustrate how wrong it is to profit from climate damage. The entire premise behind this movement is to see if the divestment campaign can push fossil fuel companies towards an environmental ecobalance that no longer hinders the planet, but, rather, supports a sustainable future. Campuses nationwide are divesting – and the corporations are listening. Why can’t we do the same thing when it comes to genetically modified food and the companies that create it?

Five Ways to Divest from Monsanto Now:

  1. Rethink where you buy your vegetables and fruit. Farmers’ markets and CSAs are great places to find non-GMO varieties while also supporting local farmers and communities. If you have room, plant a garden, but make sure your seeds are purchased from a reputable non-GMO seed company like High Mowing Seeds rather than one of the many seed companies owned by Monsanto. Doing research before you plant is important.
  2. Purchase meat and eggs locally. Not only are CAFOs inhumane, but animals within these factory farms are fed a grain-based diet, which is usually genetically modified corn. Grass-fed beef, pastured chicken, and wild hogs are tasty alternatives to the grocery store variety. While they can cost more per pound, one way to decrease the cost is by purchasing a whole or half cow (or hog) and also buying whole chickens (rather than processed into specific cuts).
  3. Find alternatives for pantry staples. With so many food producers jumping on the non-GMO bandwagon, there’s an abundance of choices with which to stock your pantry. In order to make sure that you are purchasing a non-GMO verified item, visit the Non-GMO Project’s list of safe companies.
  4. Promote a unified social media identity that does not contradict the message. While the recent March Against Monsanto was attended by over two million well meaning activists in 52 countries and 436 cities, many confused the message by posting post-march celebration photos that showed them eating the very food that they were marching against. Social media is a powerful way to connect with the world and an easy way to advance these ideas. Use it carefully.
  5. Be an environmental steward. Many of the practices associated with mass food production and food surplus deplete soils, hurt land fertility, and destroy habitats. By choosing food wisely, it helps sustain a healthy ecosystem, one that will continue to provide food for years to come.
Creating a calculated, organized, and supported divestment from Monsanto and other Big Food companies stocking the shelves with GMOs is a powerful message that will not be ignored. Let’s start investing in our health and the future health of our food. If everyone starts today, our message will gain support and create the ripple effect needed to regain control of our food.
Image by Wayne Truong, licensed under Creative Commons 


Read more: http://www.utne.com/environment/five-ways-to-divest-from-monsanto.aspx#ixzz2ZmGtgddV

"The Differences Between A Sociopath and A Narcissist" by Learus Ohnine / Sanctuary for the Abused



The Differences Between A Sociopath And A Narcissist

by 

When we try to analyze the people we cross paths with in society, it is possible to misinterpret our analysis for lack of a better understanding. For those who have crossed paths with a sociopath and a narcissist (on separate occasions), it may seem like there is little to no difference between the two when in fact one can be mistaken for the other. Both are considered to be  social terrorists, however, there are distinguishing characteristics that would imply neither of them are one in the same. Therefore, I would like to explain briefly the differences in character between these two personality disorders…

Narcissist will let you know up front what they’re about. 
They will tell you grandiose stories of themselves of either their accomplishments (real or fake) or of their associations with important people (real or fake). 
They generally do not tell these stories for any other gain than to hear praises. 
They have an unquenchable desire to be admired, worshiped, and adulated with no real gain from those that respond to them in this way other than to feed their own ego. 
They need to be the center of attention at all times in any social gathering.

Sociopath will NOT let you know up front what they are about, because they wear a mask to hide their true identity. 
They will tell you grandiose stories of themselves of either their accomplishments (real or fake, but mostly fake) or of their associations with important people (real or fake, but mostly fake). 
They generally tell these stories to appear as a “good person” to gain trust and as a cover-up for their ulterior motives. 
They have the same unquenchable desires as the Narcissist as a result of the power and control they gain over their victims. 
They do not care to be the center of attention at all times in any social gathering unless doing so promises to earn them more unsuspecting victims.

Here’s a few more brief distinguishing characteristics:
  • A Narcissist can have a conscience, and will sometimes hurt others unintentionally. A Sociopath has no conscience whatsoever, nor do they have any remorse for hurting others intentionally.
  • A Narcissist can be constructive. A Sociopath is alwaysdestructive.
  • A Narcissist’s world can be built by their own hands. A Sociopath prefers their world to be built by someone else’s hands.
  • A Narcissist is self-deceptive. A Sociopath is socially deceptive.
  • A Narcissist needs admirers. A Sociopath needs victims.
  • A Narcissist needs to be adulated to appease their insecurities and fragile ego. A Sociopath needs to be adulated to appease their ulterior motives.
  • A Narcissist lacks empathy in the form of belittling, name-calling, and defaming another’s character. A Sociopath lacks empathy in a criminal or physically violent way.
  • A Narcissist accepts who they are but exploits themselves in a grandiose manner. A Sociopath pretends to be someone who they are not to hide their hidden agendas.

Both think they are superior to anyone and everyone, both think they deserve special treatment, both process the world differently, and both play to “win”. However, it is possible for both personality traits to be combined into one, which is called a “Narcissistic Sociopath,”  and is more dangerous than the two of them separately.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

"Inside the Mind of An Abuser" ~ Mary Alward / Sanctuary for the Abused website


Inside the Mind of an Abuser


What you Need to Know
by Mary M. Alward

Abusers use warped logic to brainwash their victims. They use methods very similar to those of prison guards, who know that to control prisoners they have to have full co-operation. Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.

The Logic of Brainwashing
Abusers use warped logic to brainwash their victims. Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are the perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.

The Process of Brainwashing
The abuser uses several methods of coercion to brainwash his victim. They are as follows:

Isolation
Abusers deprive their victims of social interaction with family members and friends. This is necessary to gain control over the victim.

Resistance
The abuser manipulates his victim to become mentally and physically dependent upon him, which reduces the ability of the victim to resist his abuse.

Threats
Abusers use threats to cultivate anxiety, despair and the ability to resist. Most often they threaten children, family members or friends with harm if the victim doesn’t comply with his demands.

Indulgences
Occasionally the abuser will comply with the wishes of the victim in order to provide motivation to comply with his every demand.

Omnipotence
The abuser suggests to the victim that it is futile to resist his demands.

Trivial Demands
Abusers strictly enforce trivial demands in order to create a habit of compliance in his victim.

Degradation
Abusers degrade their victims in order to damage their self esteem and make them think they are unable to face life on their own. Self esteem can be damaged beyond repair and the victim is often reduced to animal level concerns.


About the Abuser


The methods that abusers, both male and female, use to manipulate their victims are a natural part of their personalities. Abusers all share behaviors and thinking patterns. This labels them as dysfunctional, insecure and unable to have a relationship unless they are in complete control.

Abusers keep their victims in the dark about events that are taking place. They are most always in control of the finances, talk about the victim behind their back in order to cause them to become isolated and make plans that include the victim without consulting them. The abuser’s goal is to monopolize the victim’s time and physical environment and suppress their behavior. An abusive partner tells you what social events you can attend and who you can go with. He may insist you quit work and remain at home where he can keep an eye on you, or he may tell you that you can no longer participate in hobbies. Abusers often insist you move to a location away from family members, friends and other contacts that will give you support.

Abusers do their best to instill feelings of fear, powerlessness and dependency in their victim. Both verbal and emotional abuse heightens these feelings and they grow more pronounced as time passes.

The abuser’s system of logic is closed. She doesn’t allow her partner to voice opinions or criticize her in any way. She lets you know, without a doubt, that her word is law
Abuser’s Tactics
There’s a wide range of tactics that the abuser uses to debilitate the victim. If you recognize any of these tactics, a red flag has been raised.

Domination
Abusers are extremely dominating to the point that they want to control everything that the victim does. If they don’t get their way, they act like spoiled children. On top of that, they use threats to get what they want. If you allow your abuser to dominate you, you will lose your self respect.

Verbal Assault
The abuser tends to verbally assault their victim by calling names, degrading, screaming, threatening, criticizing, berating and humiliating. They will center their victim out in front of family and friends by taking small personality flaws and embellishing them to the extreme. They make snide remarks and use sarcasm to erode the victim’s sense of self-worth and self confidence. Making the victim look bad in front of others is an attempt to isolate the victim and keep them at their mercy. Then, the abuse worsens.

Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a slang term from the 1950’s but is the perfect word to describe one tactic of the abuser. The dictionary definition of gaslighting is to drive someone crazy. This is used to keep the abuser’s victim under control. The abuser will swear that events never occurred and that certain things were never said. The victim knows better, but over time will begin to question their sanity. Be alert to gaslighting tactics that can beat you down and make you think you are going insane.

Blackmail
The abuser uses emotional blackmail to get what they want by pushing your buttons. He plays on his victim’s sense of compassion, fears, sense of guilt and values in order to get his own way. He may refuse to talk to his victim or threaten to end the relationship or withdraw financial support if the victim is dependent on him for basic living necessities. Emotional blackmail is the act of working on the victim’s emotions so the abuser can get what he wants.

Constant Chaos
An abuser will keep the household and his victim’s emotions in total chaos by starting arguments and constantly being in conflict with other family members.

Abusive Expectations
This happens when the abuser makes unreasonable demands on their victim. They may expect their partner to reject everything in their life to tend to the abuser’s needs. Included can be frequent sex, forcing the victim to perform sexual acts that are against their will, demanding all of the victim’s attention or demanding that the victim spend all free time with the abuser. No matter how hard the victim tries to please the abuser, she will always demand more. The victim, whether male or female, will be constantly criticized and berated because they are unable to fulfill the abuser’s demands.

Unpredictable Responses
This includes emotional outbursts and extreme mood swings on the part of the abuser. If you partner likes something you do today and hates it tomorrow, or reacts to the extreme at an identical behavior by the victim, this is an unpredictable response. This behavior damages the victim’s self esteem, self confidence and mental well-being because they are constantly on edge, wondering how their partner is going to respond to their every move.
Living with a person who has unpredictable response is difficult, stressful, nerve wracking and it causes a great deal of anxiety that can lead to health problems. The victim lives with fear and security and has no sense of balance in their life. Abusers who drink excessively are alcoholics or drug abusers often have unpredictable responses to trivial events.

Inside the Abuser’s Mind

Abusers have a tendency to feel they are unique individuals (narcissistic) and shouldn’t have to live under the same rules as everyone else. However, the opposite is true. Abusers share many of the same thinking patterns and behaviors and use the same tactics to keep their victims under their control.

Blaming
Abusers tend to shift responsibility for their actions to their victims and become angry because the person caused them to behave inappropriately. The abuser might say, “If you hadn’t talked back to me, I wouldn't have had to hit you.” Don’t fall for it. The abuser did the hitting and no matter what you did, you are not to blame. He is blaming you for his shortcomings and do not believe that you are the one to blame for even one second.

Making Excuses
Abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, but try to justify their behavior by making excuses. They may blame the abuse on a difficult childhood or a hard day at the office. Their mind-set tells them that they are never to blame for any negative behavior.

Fantasies of Success
Abusers believe that they would be famous and rich if the victim and other people weren’t holding them back. Because he believes his failure in life is due to others, he feels he is justified in retaliating in any way he can, including physical and emotional abuse. He belittles, berates and puts others down, including the victim, to make himself feel more powerful.

Manipulation
Abusers combine manipulative tactics, such as upsetting people to watch their reaction, lying and provoking arguments and fights among family members and his peers. He charms his victims and other people who he wishes to manipulate by professing that he cares and is interested in their well-being, when all he is doing is opening the door for a deeper level of abuse.

Redefining
The abuser will often redefine situations to blame others for his troubles. Abusers will seldom admit that they are wrong, or for that matter, less than perfect. It’s always someone else’s fault when they act inappropriately.

Assuming
An abuser’s thought patterns lead them to believe that they know what others, including their victim, is feeling and thinking. They use this warped logic to blame these people for their behavior. For instance, an abuser might say, “I knew you’d be angry about that, so I went for a few drinks after work to enjoy myself. Why should I come home to listen to you nag?”

Dependence
Believe it or not, abusers are emotionally dependent on their victim. This causes an inner rage that encourages the abuser to lash out. Because he is so dependent, he takes control of his victim’s life. This is the way they deny their weaknesses and make themselves feel powerful.

Symptoms of Emotional Dependency
Symptoms of emotional dependency include, but are not limited to, excessive jealousy, jealous rages and possessive actions that are usually sexual in nature. Abusers spend an excessive amount of time monitoring the action and movements of their victims. Often, abusers have no support network and lack those supportive roles that others depend upon. Another sign of emotional dependency is the extreme affect the abuser suffers if his victim leaves. He will go to any lengths to get the victim to return.

Rigid Gender Attitudes
Abusers in a domestic atmosphere tend to have extremely rigid attitudes about the role that their spouse should play in a marriage or common law situation. Wives may expect their husbands to fulfill all of the family’s chores, such as repairs and hold up his role as a father. Husbands may expect their wives to hold down a full time job, keep the house spotless, the laundry caught up, meals made on time and also tend to the kids’ every need. All of these examples are things that should be shared in a normal relationship.

Lying
Most abusers are liars. They lie to manipulate their victim by controlling information. They also lie to keep their victim, and others, off balance psychologically. This enables the abuser to gain control of every situation.

Withdrawal
Abusers have a tendency to put up emotional walls and never give out personal information freely. He keeps his real feelings to himself and is not interested in what others think of him. Abusers like secrets and are righteous and close-minded. An abuser always feels she is right in every situation.

Drama
Abusers, either male or female, can’t seem to develop close, satisfying relationships, or even bad relationships that last. They replace closeness with drama in order to make their life more exciting. They love watching others argue and fight and often do things to keep those around them in a state of constant chaos and upheaval.

Minimizing Actions
Abusers always minimize their actions and refuse to accept their mistakes. An abuser might tell his spouse who has a black eye, “I didn’t hit you hard enough to give you a black eye.”

Ownership and Possession
Abusers are extremely possessive and believe that they should get everything they want. They also feel they can do whatever they wish with their possession and abusers see their partner or spouse as something they own. They feel they are justified in hurting their victim by taking their possessions, attacking them mentally and physically and controlling all aspects of their life.

Anger Management
Most abusers have had a violent and abusive childhood in a dysfunctional family setting. These children are very likely to grow up into spousal abusers. They are taught from the time they are babies that violence is a way to settle disputes and get their own way. It’s a way to settle differences of opinion and they see abuse as normal. As adults, they won’t be able to find alternate ways of showing or channeling their anger. People who do not have a method of outlet for anger on a daily basis allow it to build to a point where it explodes. When this happens, the people closest to them become their sounding board emotionally, mentally and physically.

Rules
Abusers feel they are superior to others and don’t have to follow the rules of society. This is also the attitude of hundreds of criminals in prisons world wide. Inmates often believe that while other inmates are guilty of their crimes that they aren’t. Abusers feel it is always their partners who need counseling and that they can take care of their life without help or support from others.

Fragmentation
The abuser, whether male or female, does their best to keep their abusive behavior separate from the rest of their life. For example: abusers will beat their spouse and kids on a regular basis, but seldom physically attack anyone outside of their home. They also separate their lives psychologically. They may attend church on Sunday morning and play the role of a loving spouse and parent and then go home and beat their spouse and kids on Sunday afternoon. Abusers see this as acceptable and normal behavior and feel it is justified. Yet if they hear a report that someone else has abused their loved ones, they are the first to condemn them.

Verbal Communication
Abusers are seldom capable of a relationship that includes real intimacy. It is believed that they feel vulnerable when they are open and truthful with others. Abusers feel that it is up to their partners to turn feelings of anger and frustration into gratification and to fulfill their every need. Partners of abusers are essentially expected to be mind readers and know in advance the needs of the abusive spouse. When this doesn’t happen, the abuser feels insecure, unloved and rejected and rejection is grounds for emotional, mental and physical abuse.

Glorification
Abusers, both men and women, think of themselves as independent, self-sufficient, superior and strong. If someone criticizes them or says something that causes them to feel insulted, the feeling will cause them to react violently toward their victim. This is the only outlet that they know to use to quell feelings of inadequacy.

Being Vague
Abusers think and speak vaguely to avoid their responsibilities. When asked why they are late or where they’ve been, answers will be vague. If their partners pursue the reason, the abuser becomes defensive and strikes out in order to remain in control of the situation.

Abusers: Things You Need to Know
  • Both men and women abuse their partners, emotionally, mentally, physically and verbally.
  • Female abusers tend to have a macho attitude toward womanhood. They look at female qualities as weaknesses and fear closeness and intimacy will make them vulnerable.
  • A batterer’s level of hostility is extremely higher than that of non-batterers. Emotions easily turn to anger, which in turn is acted out in violent behavior. Abusers suppress anxiety, tension and stress until they eventually explode in a fit of violent behavior.
  • Abusers suffer from low self esteem. They become dependent on their partners emotionally and feel threatened if they thing that they are going to be left on their own.
  • Abusers often show emotions of excessive jealousy and are extremely possessive.
  • Many abusers are alcoholics or use drugs frequently. If they discontinue alcohol and drug abuse, they tend to be violent through the process of withdrawal.
  • Many people who are abusers have experienced or witnessed violence during their childhood. This leaves them with a feeling of worthlessness and low self esteem, which in turn traumatizes them and leaves life-long emotional scars.

Red Flag Signals

Many people of both genders interpret early warning signs of abuse as attentive, caring and romantic. Here is a list of early warning signs of future domestic abuse.

  • Your partner insists you spend all of your free time with them in order to isolate you from family and friends.
  • You always have to tell your partner where you are going, who you are going with, what your plans are and when you will be home.
  • Your partner is extremely agitated or angry when they don’t get their own way.
  • Your partner tells you what you can and can’t wear and insists on going shopping with you when you shop for clothes.
  • You are accused time and time again of cheating, flirting or having an affair.
  • Your partner refers to women in derogatory slang, or is secretive about previous relationships.
  • The person was abused mentally, physically, emotionally or verbally as a child.
  • Your partner grew up in an environment where one parent abused the other emotionally, He is a charmer or a smooth talker.
  • He is abusive to his mother or sister and refers to them in derogatory slang.
  • The person has expectations that are not realistic.
  • The person has a tendency to be cruel to animals or pets.
  • The person has hurt a child in some way. (emotional or physical)
  • Your partner has abused spouses in a previous relationship. If so, it will happen to you too.
  • The person displays a tendency to have extreme mood swings for little or no reason.
  • Male abusers often feel women are inferior and were born to indulge their every whim.
  • Female abusers feel men are inferior and expect their partner to give them their full attention at all times.
  • Abusers like to intimidate and use threatening body language. They may throw things, punch walls or destroy their victim’s possessions.
  • Abusers stop their victims from leaving the room during an argument or dispute.

Warning!

If you see any of these warning signs in your partner, be ever vigilant. For your own safety, it’s best to end the relationship immediately. It’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship where you are constantly abused in any way. Get help now!

Friday, July 19, 2013

"Dealing with Control Freaks" by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D, R-CSW


Dealing With Control Freaks

Angry


by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW
Dr. Thomas J. Schumacher is a pshychotherapist who specializes in individual, couple, and marital counseling. He maintains practices in New York City and Long Island..


Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.
Repetition Compulsion
Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

Two Types of Control Freaks
Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Some Coping Strategies


1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you.

Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow
.

 
SOURCE

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

7 Signs You're Dating A Narcissist ~ by Nichi Hodgson/Huffington Post

This is a virulent disorder growing in our culture, especially in males.  My cheeky (at least to some) opinion is that the criteria for this disorder should be begun (with discernment) to be taught to our daughters beginning at 7. 

The percentage of college males in the US who have been researched to have this disorder is 67!  That means 2 of every 3 men (well, actually boys) your daughter dates is in this category.

This is an excellent "quick" description....and having any close relationship with this sort is guaranteed to have seriously negative outcomes. Make no mistake, more and more women are recorded with this disorder, too.


By the standards of the DSM-IV, a narcissist is broadly defined, not just as someone overly concerned with their own appearance, as per the over-simplified Greek myth, but as someone who takes advantage of others to reach their own goals, expects to be recognized as superior without having superior accomplishments, is envious, power-hungry, and lacks empathy on a scale nearly as grandiose as his or her ego.
By my own hapless experience, I'd add that it's someone who only cares about you insofar as you are fulfilling their (often unrealistic) needs, somebody who is secretly happier when you are lower than them--unless it affects the supply of your support to them of course.
In fact, to fall in love with a narcissist is basically to stare lovingly into the back of a mental mirror--a mirror defended by barbs. When I fell in love with one, it was one of the unhappiest times of my life. The irony was that I'd attracted him by being narcissistic myself --playing the role of dominatrix to his submissive--only for him to soon switch the power dynamic so that I was the one on my knees. When he'd first darkened my door, he'd come looking to enact his most potent and persistent fantasy--that of women that loved him castrating him. Quite soon, he'd exploited me to satisfy so many of his own sexual and egotistical ends that I almost gave him his ultimate fantasy. Funnily enough, at that point, it ceased to become quite so erotic to him.
And what's more, I decided that to give him his ultimate fantasy would have resulted in yet more privileging of his needs over mine. But attention is the narcissist's oxygen. Take this away and he or she begins to choke on their own noxious, and fast-depleting hot air. So instead, I got up out of his bed one night, dressed hastily and never returned.
All sounds a bit extreme, I bet you're thinking; a bit Anastasia Steele with an Anti-androcentricity Studies degree. I mean, how does any sentient and self-respecting adult end up falling prey to a narcissist in the first place? Follow the slides to see.
1. Do they, at first, shower you with attention? This preliminary deception stage is crucial for building faux rapport. During your 'seduction,' they will give you the false impression of being interested in you for your own sake.
2. Do they retract when you pay positive attention to someone else at a party or social gathering? Narcissists' hyperbolic need for validation makes them irritable and impatient when they witness others receiving what they believe to be 'their due' of attention.
3. Do they seek to criticize or reduce others? Narcissists will often pick apart those they perceive as threats to their attention/glory quota.
4. Do they never seem satisfied with positive feedback, and are always angling for more specific affirmations? The insatiable need for compliments is a hallmark of narcissism.
5. Do they lack empathy towards others, and you? If they cannot offer physical or verbal comfort when you or someone else is visibly distressed, seem unresponsive to your expression of feelings, intimate thoughts, or emotions, or even merely seem to purposefully ignore social niceties (believing themselves above them), don't walk, don't try and gather up the stuff of yours you have at theirs, just get the hell out.
6. Do they have an unrealistic belief in their own abilities? A true narcissist will self-mythologize, over-exaggerating or even lying about their talents. Being frequently convinced of their own powers of influence, narcissists often manage to readily convince people of their lies (think Californian cult leader).
7. Do they use you and others purely for their own gain? If you've felt repeatedly duped, put upon, manipulated or abused (all in the so-called name of love), commiserations--you too have fallen for a narcissist.
Nichi Hodgson is the author of the new book Bound To You.

"there were no words, but images flooded every cell in her being ...

"there were no words, but images flooded every cell in her being ...