• Certified Transpersonal Hypnotherapist ; Past experiences: Dream Analysis /10 Years Experience •Psychotherapist / Use of Gestalt, Jungian, Zen, Reality and Energy Therapies /10 Years Experience •EMDR • Men and Their Journey: the neuroscience of the male brain, and the implications in sexuality, education and relationship • Women: Their Transformation and Empowerment ATOD (Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drugs) / 21 years experience •Ordained Interfaith Minister & Official Celebrant • Social Justice Advocate • Child and Human Rights Advocate • Spiritual Guide and Intuitive • Certified Reiki Practitioner • Mediation / Conflict Resolution • “Intentional Love” Parenting Strategy Groups • Parenting Workshops • Coaching for parents of Indigo, Crystal, and Rainbow Children • International Training: Israel & England • Critical Incident Stress Debriefing • Post-911 and Post-Katrina volunteer

MSW - UNC Chapel Hill

BSW - UNC Greensboro

"An Unending Love"

This blog and video is devoted and dedicated to my daughter, my grand daughters, and my grand son. They are hearts of my heart. Our connection through many lives..... is utterly infinite.

The Definition of Genius


"ONLY LOVE PREVAILS" ...."I've loved you for a thousand years; I'll love you for a thousand more....."

The degree of our enlightenment is the degree of passion that we will have for the whole world." ~The Greystone Mandala

~The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Winston Churchill

"Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Do not go gentle into that good night."

Dylan Thomas


In “Conversations with God”, by Neale Donald Walsch, there is a warning I think of. I refer to it as the Atlantis passage, and I've quoted it a few times before." As I have said, this isn't the first time your civilization has been at this brink,"

God tells Walsch. "I want to repeat this, because it is vital that you hear this. Once before on your planet, the technology you developed was far greater than your ability to use it responsibly. You are approaching the same point in human history again. It is vitally important that you understand this. Your present technology is threatening to outstrip your ability to use it wisely. Your society is on the verge of becoming a product of your technology rather than your technology being a product of your society. When a society becomes a product of its own technology, it destroys itself."

Thursday, April 28, 2011


“Wayseers regularly have essentially the same brain scan patterns that most people only achieve when they are “falling in love”. Wayseers must continually tune in to love in order to express their full brilliance and overcome the traumatic effects of dissociation associated with being a Wayseer in this day and age.”

"What Is Emotional Abuse?"

from the Counseling Center at the University Of Illinois:

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10).

Types of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing.
  • Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
  • Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships.
  • Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ etc.
  • Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.”
  • Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of themselves and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from their own.
  • Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.
  • Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
  • Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

Understanding Abusive Relationships

No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints, and validate your own feelings and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even comfortable to you, although it is destructive.
Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically, abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings and self-perceptions.
Understanding the pattern of your relationships, especially those with family members and other significant people, is a first step toward change. A lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways. For example, you may act as an “abuser” in some instances and as a “recipient” in others. You may find that you tend to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you. In friendships, however, you may play the role of abuser by withholding, manipulating, trying to “help” others, etc. Knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life.

Are You Abusive to Yourself?

Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as “I’m stupid” or “I never do anything right” dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

Basic Rights in a Relationship

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:
  • The right to good will from the other.
  • The right to emotional support.
  • The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
  • The right to have your own view, even if the other has a different view.
  • The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
  • The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
  • The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
  • The right to live free from accusation and blame.
  • The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
  • The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
  • The right to encouragement.
  • The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
  • The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
  • The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
  • The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

What Can You Do?

If you recognize yourself or your relationships in this brochure, you may wish to:
  • Educate yourself about emotionally abusive relationships. Two excellent resources include:
    Engle, Beverly, M.F.C.C. 
    The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992.
    Evans, Patricia. 
    The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Holbrook, Massachusetts: Bob Adams, Inc., 1992.
  • Consider seeing a mental health professional. A counselor can help you understand the impact of an emotionally abusive relationship. A counselor can also help you learn healthier ways of relating to others and caring for your own needs.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Creating Rich Relationships

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in "Practical Life Coaching" (formerly "Practical
Psychology").  Initial coaching sessions are free.  Contact him: (970)
568-0173 or E-mail: or


By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

       Most of us are not very skilled at creating enriching relationships.
 Many of us take pride in our sense of independence.  Some of us are
unaware of the impact our behavior has on others.  We believe
ourselves to be separate from others.  We often use our sense of
"being different" as a protection against being disappointed, hurt or
abandoned.  We believe "my needs are different, so I don't belong" in
a group, community or network.  Sometimes we feel we don't belong even
in our own families.

       If we grew up in frightening, hostile or troubled families, we begin
to withdraw from others in our family.  We seek emotional safety by
mentally dividing the human species into two different
and everybody else.   In our minds and in our behavior, we isolate
ourselves from others.  We decide we are special and everyone else is
different, inferior or even dangerous.  Herein lays the root of
racism.  We fear and fail to recognize we are of one species...human.

       Buddha once said, "In separateness lies the world's greatest
misery."  Theologian, Paul Tillich wrote, "Sin is separateness."
Therapist, Wayne Muller writes, "As we close ourselves inward, we
create a sphere of safety that becomes smaller and smaller until it
has room enough only for ourselves, removed from anything or anyone
who could ever love us, from anyone who would touch, caress, or heal

       When we habitually isolate ourselves from others, our relationships
become psychologically bankrupt, empty of any kind of emotional
richness.  Such relationships die, and their deaths seem to prove to
the "loner" that he or she is indeed different, separate and alone.

       How can we enrich our relationships?  First, we need to recognize,
whether we like it or not, we are all interdependent.  We are each
unique individuals, yes.  Nevertheless, we depend on others for food,
shelter, transportation, clothing, music, entertainment, need
fulfillment, even life and breath.  Each of us is woven into a
delicate fabric of interdependence.

       After we realize our interconnectedness, we need to make what
Stephen Covey calls "emotional deposits" into those relationships.  We
need to balance our relationship accounts by not withdrawing more than
we deposit.

       Covey, in his book, "The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People,"
describes five types of emotional deposits and their counterparts,
emotional withdrawals.  The first is Kindness vs. Unkindness.  Every
act of kindness is nourishment to a relationship.  Every unkind act is
a poison.

       The second is: Keeping Promises vs. Breaking promises.  Trust is
based upon promises kept.  Relationships break when trust is violated
through broken promises.

       The third is: Honoring Expectations vs. Violating Expectations.
Healthy relationships are based upon mutual expectations.  We need to
respect the expectations we have of ourselves, and honor the
expectations others have of us.  When we violate others' expectations,
the relationship becomes weakened.

       The fourth emotional deposit is Loyalty.  Its counterpart is
Duplicity.  Loyalty is exemplified when we speak well of others when
they are not present.  Duplicity (being "two-faced") for example, is
when we speak well of others when they are present, and negatively
about them when they are absent.  Friendships thrive with loyalty, die
with duplicity.

       Covey's final emotional deposit/withdrawal to relationships is
Apologizing vs. Pride.  Recognize we all make mistakes.  When you or
another make mistakes, apologizing sincerely and forgiving completely
is a huge emotional deposit.  If we are so insecure and pride-full, we
never apologize, we make an equally huge emotional withdrawal from the

       I would add one more very important emotional deposit: regularly
communicating appreciations.  The opposite of appreciation is
criticism.  Positive appreciation enriches relationships, whereas even
"constructive" criticism makes a large withdrawal.  If you want to
create an emotionally nourishing relationship, begin by daily
communication of at least 5 characteristics, behaviors and attitudes
of the other person.  Keep in mind that repetition of appreciations is
okay.  The more often you genuinely express appreciations, the more
likely the people will believe you... and believe in themselves.

       Daily practice of making emotional deposits in all your
relationships will make you one emotionally very rich person.  Your
life will become filled with emotional health, abundance and delight.

"there were no words, but images flooded every cell in her being ...

"there were no words, but images flooded every cell in her being ...