ALWAYS INFLUENCE, NEVER CONTROL

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in "Practical Life Coaching" (formerly "Practical
Psychology").  Initial coaching sessions are free.  Contact him: (970)
568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.


By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

       When coaching couples, many times I hear statements like: "Our
marriage has gone flat."  "All we do is fight...if we talk to each
other at all;"  "If only s/he would change, I would be a lot happier;"
Each one complains about his or her partner

       Many young adults honestly believe that if they love their partner
enough, or relate to them long enough, that the partner will change.
If they criticize enough, point out the other's weaknesses enough,
blame enough, give enough, yell enough, go silent long enough...their
partner will change.

       Some people acknowledge they don't have the power to change
another's thoughts, feelings, opinions, or values.  Therefore, they go
on to conclude that they have no impact or influence on anyone.  If
what they say or do cannot change how another responds, then it seems
logical to conclude they themselves are powerless, helpless to
influence others.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

       Everything you do has an impact on yourself, others or your
environment.  You are the most powerful and influential creature on
earth.  Just because you cannot control the choices or responses of
others, does not mean you function without impact.  Simply because you
cannot determine how others think, feel or behave, does not mean you
have no important impact on them at all.

       Let's turn this dynamic around and view it from the opposite side.
If you cannot determine how others function, the reverse is also true.
 They cannot determine how you behave.  Viewed from this perspective,
who determines how we think, feel and behave?  Clearly, it is only
you.  We have all the power to change ourselves.  We have no power to
change others.

       Does this mean we are not impacted by the behavior of others?  Not
at all.  If you walk up and slap me across the face, your behavior
will have a powerful impact on me.  However, your slapping me in no
way determines how I will respond.  I am free to choose my response
from any number of possibilities.  Your slap does not determine my
response.  I do.

       When you realize you can and do have an impact on others, but have
absolutely no power to determine their responses, you are free to stop
wasting your time and energy focusing on how you can make your spouse,
child or colleague change anything.  With that freed-up time and
energy, you might as well use it to modify the only person you can
change...,yourself.

       When you change yourself, you modify the nature of the impact you
have on others.  Remember, you and your behavior always have
influence.  The nature of that influence is determined by your own
choices.  You never have control of others.  The nature of control
lies within each of us alone.  When you fully understand this, you
will stop blaming others, stop reacting to others, stop modifying what
you do in order to "make" someone else happy, angry, sad, or behave in
any way differently than they choose.

       Stephen Covey writes in his book, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective
People, "...if you want to have a happy marriage, be the kind of
person who generates positive energy and sidesteps negative energy
rather than empowering it.  If you want to have a more pleasant
cooperative teenager, be a more understanding, empathic, consistent,
loving parent.  If you want to have more freedom, more latitude in
your job, be a more responsible, a more helpful, a more contributing
employee.  If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy.  If you want the
secondary greatness of recognized talent, focus first on primary
greatness of [your own] character."

       Never forget that who you are...your character, always influences
others.  That is your personal power.  Manage your power wisely and
you influence the nature of all your relationships.  You are helpless
to control or change your partner, but you do have a powerful impact
on the quality of your marriage.  Improve the quality of your
character and you improve the quality of not only your marital
relationship, but all your relationships.  The only way you can
possibly change your life is to change yourself.  You may not
determine or control how life is, but you always have an influence
upon it.