"What Should A 4-Year-Old Know?" / Alicia Bayer, Huffington Post

KUDOS !! to Alicia Bayer, A Magical Childhood,  who writes:   "I was on a parenting bulletin board recently and read a post by a mother who was worried that her 4 and a 1/2-year-old did not know enough. "What should a 4-year-old know?" she asked.

Most of the answers left me not only saddened, but pretty soundly annoyed. One mom posted a laundry list of all of the things her son knew. Counting to 100, planets, how to write his first and last name and on and on. Others chimed in with how much more their children already knew, some who were only 3. A few posted URL's to lists of what each age should know. The fewest yet said that each child develops at his own pace and not to worry.

It bothered me greatly to see these mothers responding to a worried mom by adding to her concern, with lists of all the things their children could do that hers couldn't. We are such a competitive culture that even our preschoolers have become trophies and bragging rights. Childhood shouldn't be a race.

So here, I offer my list of what a 4-year-old should know.

1. She should know that she is loved wholly and unconditionally, all of the time.
2. He should know that he is safe and he should know how to keep himself safe in public, with others, and in varied situations. He should know that he can trust his instincts about people and that he never has to do something that doesn't feel right, no matter who is asking. He should know his personal rights and that his family will back them up.
3. She should know how to laugh, act silly, be goofy and use her imagination. She should know that it is always OK to paint the sky orange and give cats six legs.
4. He should know his own interests and be encouraged to follow them. If he couldn't care less about learning his numbers, his parents should realize he'll learn them accidentally soon enough and let him immerse himself instead in rocket ships, drawing, dinosaurs or playing in the mud.
5. She should know that the world is magical and that so is she. She should know that she's wonderful, brilliant, creative, compassionate and marvelous. She should know that it's just as worthy to spend the day outside making daisy chains, mud pies and fairy houses as it is to practice phonics. Scratch that -- way more worthy.

But more important, here's what parents need to know.

1. That every child learns to walk, talk, read and do algebra at his own pace and that it will have no bearing on how well he walks, talks, reads or does algebra.
2. That the single biggest predictor of high academic achievement and high ACT scores is reading to children. Not flash cards, not workbooks, not fancy preschools, not blinking toys or computers, but Mom or Dad taking the time every day or night (or both!) to sit and read them wonderful books.
3. That being the smartest or most accomplished kid in class has never had any bearing on being the happiest. We are so caught up in trying to give our children "advantages" that we're giving them lives as multi-tasked and stressful as ours. One of the biggest advantages we can give our children is a simple, carefree childhood.
4. That our children deserve to be surrounded by books, nature, art supplies and the freedom to explore them. Most of us could get rid of 90 percent of our children's toys and they wouldn't be missed, but some things are important -- building toys like LEGOs and blocks, creative toys like all types of art materials (good stuff), musical instruments (real ones and multicultural ones), dress up clothes and books, books, books. (Incidentally, much of this can be picked up quite cheaply at thrift shops.) They need to have the freedom to explore with these things too -- to play with scoops of dried beans in the high chair (supervised, of course), to knead bread and make messes, to use paint and play dough and glitter at the kitchen table while we make supper even though it gets everywhere, to have a spot in the yard where it's absolutely fine to dig up all the grass and make a mud pit.
5. That our children need more of us. We have become so good at saying that we need to take care of ourselves that some of us have used it as an excuse to have the rest of the world take care of our kids. Yes, we all need undisturbed baths, time with friends, sanity breaks and an occasional life outside of parenthood. But we live in a time when parenting magazines recommend trying to commit to 10 minutes a day with each child and scheduling one Saturday a month as family day. That's not OK! Our children don't need Nintendo, computers, after-school activities, ballet lessons, play groups and soccer practice nearly as much as they need US. They need fathers who sit and listen to their days, mothers who join in and make crafts with them, parents who take the time to read them stories and act like idiots with them. They need us to take walks with them and not mind the .1 MPH pace of a toddler on a spring night. They deserve to help us make supper even though it takes twice as long and makes it twice as much work. They deserve to know that they're a priority for us and that we truly love to be with them.

And now back to those 4-year-old skills lists...

I know it's human nature to want to know how our children compare to others and to want to make sure we're doing all we can for them. Here is a list of what children are typically taught or should know by the end of each year of school, starting with preschool.

Since we homeschool, I occasionally print out the lists and check to see if there's anything glaringly absent in what my kids know. So far there hasn't been, but I get ideas sometimes for subjects to think up games about or books to check out from the library. Whether you homeschool or not, the lists can be useful to see what kids typically learn each year and can be reassuring that they really are doing fine.

If there are areas where it seems your child is lacking, realize that it's not an indication of failure for either you or your child. You just haven't happened to cover that. Kids will learn whatever they're exposed to, and the idea that they all need to know these 15 things at this precise age is rather silly. Still, if you want him to have those subjects covered then just work it into life and play with the subject and he'll naturally pick it up. Count to 60 when you're mixing a cake and he'll pick up his numbers. Get fun books from the library about space or the alphabet. Experiment with everything from backyard snow to celery stalks in food coloring. It'll all happen naturally, with much more fun and much less pressure.

My favorite advice about preschoolers is on this site though.

What does a 4-year-old need?

Much less than we realize, and much more."

This piece originally appeared on A Magical Childhood.

Attachment Parenting: More Guilt for Mother ~ AlterNet

Not only is 'attachment parenting' bad for women; it's not necessarily good for children, either.


READ MORE.....Attachment Parenting: More Guilt for Mother | Gender | AlterNet

"How to Love and Parent An 'Old Soul'

(A mother of seven uses a method called, “show, remind and tell” to raise a child who is an ‘old soul’)

GUEST COLUMN: DR. CHRISTINE JAX-CASTILLO — If you are a parent, you probably question if you are doing all that you can to ensure that your children find their own spiritual paths, and reach their full potential.  You wonder how you can help your children progress on their spiritual journeys, while encouraging them to follow your rules.

How can you can teach them right from wrong, while teaching them to see the good in all things?  How can you keep them safe, while relaying to them that fear is an illusion of the ego?

Now people are claiming that their children are “indigo” children or“old soul” children, and you wonder . . . are yours?

Because of your spiritual evolution and path, it is most likely that all your children, born or adopted, are “old soul” children.  But remember, we are all special and all have a reason for being on this planet at this time: we are each here for individual spiritual growthand to inspire further growth in others, and, if you are a parent, you have agreed to juggle both.  In the case of rearing an “old soul” child, you have agreed to expedite their spiritual development for their benefit, as well as for the benefit of humanity, as the children who are traveling this path have agreed to do so.

Common traits of “old soul” children

• Develop faster emotionally and intellectually than other children, yet may struggle in school due to constrictions on their creativity and critical thinking abilities
• Understand and demand justice long before such development is typically seen in children
• Demonstrate a global perspective and ask about people not like themselves
• Articulate a sense of charity and service; they want to help others
• Remember past lives
• Question the authority of adults and leaders, and demand respect for themselves
• Possess one or more “paranormal abilities:” ie. may see or communicate with non-physical beings such as angels, spirits, and ghosts; heal by touch; remember past lives; share mutual dreams with others; predict future events; sense when something is wrong; view remotely; experience astral projection
• Have a deep interest in religion or spiritual practices
• Communicate easily and actively with their guides, even if they have yet to identify what gives them knowledge about things

How to be a model parent for an “old soul” child

To raise an “old soul” child you need to model (show proper behavior), induct (bring out of the child what he or she already knows), and instruct (provide new information).  I refer to this as “show, remind, tell.”

Show your children how to be good citizens and stewards of the earth, and be mindful that they are going to emulate much of your behavior.  Also keep in mind that they will quickly recognize hypocrisy and just as quickly lose respect for you.   Do your best to walk your talk. This means not using physical force, coercion, insults or shaming to get what you want, including proper behavior, from your child.

I always tell people, “If you wouldn’t do or say something to or in front of your boss, don’t do or say it to or in front of your children.”

You can model empathy by speaking your thoughts out loud: “I guess I should pick-up this box I dropped.  It wouldn’t be nice to leave more work for the grocer.”  Show grace in how you admit mistakes and don’t blame others.  Find the good in all situations and in all people. When you are struggling with something someone has done, talk out loud to your child about how you are trying to understand their decisions without judging them.

Remember to teach love to all children

Remind your children of who they are and where they come from.  Let them know everything is made out of the same energy, love, which makes all people equal and everything worthy of care and respect.  Remind them that happiness is our right, and that it is found only in the moment because the past and present do not concurrently exist.

Help them remember that preparation for the next moment takes knowledge, good work, honesty, and faith; they will see whatever they believe and expect.  Discuss with them how forgiveness is essential for personal growth and happiness; peace can only exist if there is forgiveness. It may help to develop meditative and spiritual practices with them as part of your lifestyle.

Tell them every day that you love them, and tell them regularly that you are proud of them and amazed by them.   Let them develop with you the household rules and the consequences for breaking those rules.  Make sure they understand why there are rules, and be consistent and calm when you enforce those rules and enact punishment.  Give them opportunities to care for other people and to care for the earth.   Tell your children to follow their dreams, and then give them space and advice for how to do so.  Allow them to fulfill their dreams for themselves, not yourdreams for them.

Introduce your children to many different spiritual practices, including yours, but let them choose what is comfortable for them.  Let them experience chanting, drumming, walking a labyrinth, sitting silently with incense — experiment.  Point out to your children all that you have learned from other people and how much is achieved when people work together.  Explain that there are multiple perspectives of, and reactions to, any situation.

Create a life for yourself beyond parenting so you can allow and encourage your child to grow beyond you, your beliefs, and your needs, but always, always be your child’s biggest fan.

Dr. Christine Jax-Castillo has a B.A. in Child Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Education.  She is an author and international spiritual coach, consultant and speaker. She and her husband have seven children, ages 7 – 25, and they reside in West Palm Beach, Florida.

(Angel photo by Cyndi Ingle.)

Back to Basics: Parenting, the Divine Blueprint and the Boundaries of Free Will

Linda Steiner: Back to Basics in Parenting

Pre-scheduled release.

Back to Basics: Parenting, the Divine Blueprint and the Boundaries of Free-Will

Posted on May 8, 2011 by Dr. Linda Steiner
https://drlinsteiner.wordpress.com/2011/05/08/back-to-basics-parenting-the-divine-blueprint-and-the-boundaries-of-free-will/
We all come into the world with a divine blueprint – the unique guide to our spiritual evolution. And while we may all share this in common, our blueprints are customized and tailored to help us meet our own personal spiritual goals.
As parents, we certainly want what’s best for our children. But how parents relate to their children, in terms of expectations, is typically a function of what parents deem as “best”. Except in cases of abuse and neglect, most parents mean well when they prescribe or dictate certain goals, standards or aspirations for their children. But many parents may be shocked to learn that what they consider to be dedicated and responsible parenting, often constitutes a trespass across the boundaries of free will.
For example, I know a 12-year-old boy who has “professional” parents. His father is a lawyer and mother is a doctor. His parents want what’s best for their son, so they insist that he pull all “A’s” in the advanced-level classes where they insisted he be placed. Furthermore, they tell him that he must become either a doctor or lawyer when he grows up.
The boy, despite 3-4 hours of homework per night, does not get A’s, or even B’s. He is in over his head and stressed all the time. He’s unhappy and feels like a constant disappointment to his parents and dreads the prospect of following a career path that doesn’t serve his interests or resonate with his passion or gifts.
The boy has his heart set on working with aquatic mammals. But at the young age of 12, he spends his days under an oppressive parental cloud that not only over-shadows his childhood, but threatens to co-opt is future as well.
As parents, we simply haven’t the right to predetermine or confine the interests and pursuits of our children. We must keep them fed, housed, clothed, loved and cared for – but we mustn’t trespass on their free will.
We are each entitled to our one shot at a given lifetime. But many parents attempt to garnish the lives of their children either out of compulsion for control, or because they view their children’s lives as virtual second-chances as unrequited dreams.
To paraphrase from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, our children come to us and through us – but not from us. Parents are as bows – while children are as arrows. It is our job to maximize the ability of our arrows to fly as far and straight as possible – but in the direction of the arrow’schoice – not the bow’s.
While conscientious parenting is commendable, sometimes less is more. When we rein ourselves in a bit, we allow our children room to breathe and grow in the direction of the light.  Just as a flower turns its face toward the sun naturally, and without external guidance – so too, is our divine blue print self evident.
Too many restrictions on free will can lead to short and long terms effects of depleted self-confidence, lowered self-esteem, resentment, substance use or abuse and/or reactionary backlash. In extreme circumstances suicidal thought or tendencies may result. This is because free will is the soil that embeds the spirit. Restrict it – and you eliminate the sun, water and air supply.
True happiness can not be attained through material means. Occupations, money and status can not, in and of themselves, constitute the completion of one’s soul. Only those behaviors that resonate with the frequency of one’s vibrations can result in true happiness, and as parents, we have no greater responsibility than to shelter, support and facilitate our children’s spiritual growth.
So keep your child safe and well – but from a healthy distance.    Support them in the directions they choose and love them for who they are, unconditionally – with no strings attached. Allow them to explore what the world has to offer (both from within and without) and allow them to listen to the voice that speaks to them from their center. For it is their own inner voice – that speaks only to them – that holds the key to their Divine blueprint and the path that will ultimately maximize the potentialities of their spirit.