Communication defines the quality of our relationships.
Communication is the "stuff of life." In all the psychological
studies that have been done describing "satisfying relationships,"
only one dynamic appears in all relationships studied: daily effective
communication. There are only two principles of effective
communication: sharing information and exchanging care. Since sharing
is a mutual activity, when we share information, we listen first. We
open our minds and hearts to what is true, necessary and nurturing.
We seek first to understand what our partner is communicating. That
understanding requires focused listening. Secondly, we speak of our
own thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. We speak honestly,
clearly, directly and expect to be understood.
When we exchange care, we label our love for each other without fear of the other's response. We listen to the other's heartfelt
communication. Then we express our genuine compassion for the other
and his/her well-being.
In our childhood families, simple communication is often absent.
Accurate, simple information is not always shared. Caring is not
always exchanged. When hidden motives, double meanings, deception,
lies, secrets and manipulations characterize our family patterns of
communication, we grow up listening for what is not said, what is
really meant, what might hurt us, and what we may need to protect
ourselves from. The focus of our attention is not on the simple, the
obvious, the present. When other family members never listened to us,
we felt unimportant, neglected and not worthy of attention and care.
We often make our lives more complicated than they need be. When
our childhood is distressed, we often overlook the power of the single
action, the simple sentence, the uncomplicated gesture. We don't
trust the simple. We find only the complex is of value. We pride
ourselves in the complexity of our minds, our relationships and our
lifestyles. We fail to appreciate simple elegance. We miss the
beauty of a caring gesture. We miss the healing of a single word or
touch. We miss the fulfillment of an honest, loving moment. When we
are attentive to the simplicity of the moment, alive to the present
instant, it becomes more difficult, if not impossible, to view life
through the lens of our past. Memories and habits of our childhood
have less impact on our present lives.
Life itself is very simple. We are the ones that make it
complicated. Here are some simple, but powerful principles, simply
expressed, any one of which, if followed, can make a profoundly
positive difference in your life.
Speak the truth. Love your neighbor as yourself. Revere Life.
Simplify. Be happy. Enjoy yourself. Travel lightly. Act kindly.
Be gentle. Breathe deeply. Focus your attention. Be aware. Learn
through practice. Take action. Exercise. Eat right. You reap what
you've sown. Take charge of yourself. Act compassionately. Know
yourself. Make a plan. Think ahead. Laugh a lot. Be fully
conscious. Practice creativity. Accept everything, condone little.
Read great books. Forgive everything. Judge not. Be peaceful
inside. Be a friend. Cooperate. Fear not. Share. Learn as you go.
Make conscious choices. Preserve nature. Understand natural laws.
Make music. Live abundantly. Death is inevitable. Care for
children. Perform useful work. Practice stillness. Be well. Take
full responsibility for yourself. Accumulate only what you need. Let
go of the past. Live in the present moment. Think positive thoughts.
Do small things with great caring. Be generous. Know yourself. Be
curious. Appreciate the little things. Dream big dreams. Risk
making mistakes. Create your happiness. Pursue your envisioned
future.
Pastoral counselor, Wayne Muller writes, "When our eye is attuned
only to things dramatic, sophisticated, or spectacular, we may miss
the birth of something strong, simple, and beautiful right in front of
us."
Communicate information and care with simplicity and truthfulness.
Make your communication reflect both your heart and your intellect,
and your relationships to yourself, others, and the world will
dramatically improve, perhaps even be healed.
Henry David Thoreau wrote, "Go confidently in the direction of your
dreams. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be
simpler." Communicate simply. Live simply. Live and communicate in
the present, while dreaming a brighter future, and you will certainly
experience more joy about your being alive.
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Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life
coach. He serves on the faculty of the International University of
Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams)
the book: "Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and
Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice...and Your Life!" (W.W. Norton
2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.
