By Susan Hartman Brenizer
Guest columnist
Lately we've heard lots about parents who overindulge children to produce the "me" generation. Little attention has been given to those quieter, sensitive children who, even with a well-intentioned parent, can fall into a role therapists call "the parentified child."
In healthy families, very clear boundaries exist between the generations. Adults are the caretakers, giving the love, attention, instruction, and daily care to the children.
A "hole" in the family--(death of a parent, divorce, serious illness or addictions in one parent, long military deployments)--leaves a parental vacuum, and the more emotionally sensitive or responsible child can very easily become "parentified." That child behaves as if he or she were one of the parents, caring for younger siblings and becoming the remaining parent's confidante. Some families even brag of the 10-year-old boy being "the man of the house" after his father dies, or the 11-year-old girl who is "the little mommy" after the divorce.
We used to believe this happened to the first born child, but we now know that is not necessarily so. Usually, it is the more vulnerable or sweet-natured child who shows compassion early on and can be trained easily. Once parentified, this child carries adult responsibilities, as well as secrets and stories, that he or she is not equipped to comprehend.
Why is this so destructive for the child?
Each of us gets one childhood. It's our time for innocence, to play with abandon, to make mistakes, to have one's own fears soothed. A child who is parentified mortgages his or her childhood to the parent. He or she is not allowed to make the normal mistakes of childhood; his or her own emotional authenticity is given up to acting like the responsible one. It is a lonely existence for the child who cannot turn to a parent for help getting through the family trauma, because they are in the position of being there for the parent. Additionally, the other children in the family may come to resent the parentified child.
Research has shown that the practice of parentifying children passes from one generation to the next, which means the parentified child may choose one of his or her own children to play the role later. This has serious consequences for the marital partners one may choose. Commonly, therapists see the grown up parentified child choosing a needy partner, or growing up with unresolved anger that leads to a "controlling" relationship. Both circumstances can produce serious marital problems.
For most parents, casting a child into this role is not a conscious decision. So, what can one do to guard against parentifying a child?
* Should your family suddenly become a single parent household, be aware that you need to pre-empt and shield any of your children from this role.
* If a sensitive, aware child begins to slip into this role, reassure him or her again that you are fine and that his or her job is to play, not to take care of mommy.
* After a divorce or death, say things to the children like, "Just because Daddy is sad right now does not mean that he is not going to get up and make dinner in a few minutes. It also does not mean that I will not be able to take care of you."
* Keep routines and discipline the same as before. This reassures children that the parent is in charge.
* Showing some sadness is normal, and healthy. Save the sobbing or ranting for trusted adults only.
* If you are feeling overwhelmed, don't turn to the children. Seek help from adult friends, extended family, neighbors you trust, a church congregation, a minister or spirtual leader, other single parents, or a therapist or support group.
* Correct, in front of the children, those who may say to your eldest, "Now you are the man of the house," with something like, "Grandma, he may be the eldest, but he is still a child. I have things well under control."
* Talk to your children frequently about their feelings. This can give you a good read on whether a child is feeling responsible or slipping into a parentified role.
* Remember always that children fear abandonment. Continually reassure that just because Mommy left does not mean Daddy will leave.
* Consider consulting a therapist if a child shows signs of excessive worry or concern, depression, or slipping into the parent role. This is more helpful sooner, so the role does not become calcified.
