The most common form of withholding is what we commonly call "the silent treatment," but withholding encompasses any unwillingness to express your true feelings. It is the dominant form of emotional abuse, and of passive-aggression. It includes an unwillingness to give support, praise, or positive attention to the people you love. It is not much less damaging when you use withholding on friends, co-workers, etc., for it also signals an inability to have appropriate human intimacy...the flaw of the withholder.
We have all known someone, or may currently be experiencing someone's pattern of emotionally draining and hurtful behaviors. Many of you may have suddenly found yourselves at the other end of a chilly silence with no explanation.
No one deserves to be subjected to withholding. Feeling ignored, disrespected, or shut out, and to not know why, is a terrible feeling. The first thing to remember if this is happening to you is that you are not to blame. You are caught in someone else's pain pattern. This person does not know how to express feelings in a healthy way probably because this is what they learned when she or he was a child. The second helpful thing to remember is that the withholder is acting out of pain. They are stuck in a habitual mode of response that is self-defeating and alienating to the people they love. Remembering this will help you feel compassion for the person hurting you. However, if you have suffered too long with this pattern, you may need to get some space. Take some time to look at your own patterns and understand why you have taken part in this drama. If you are dealing with people in a family situation, you can step up to the plate to help break the chain of this behavior pattern.
At the same time, many of us will recognize our own tendency to withhold our emotions rather than express them. At times though, when one is in the process of attempting to mend these same relationships, they are in need of silence... but a constructive bout of silence is the key to distinguishing whether one is going to be helpful, or hurtful.
Sometimes, people distance themselves and during this time force blame, rationalize their side of the disagreement and seek refuge and validation from those around them about the matter in question. Sometimes however, you may see that this is not the case at all. Perhaps, someone has taken themselves out of the equation to figure out where they went wrong, how they hurt those they love the most, and most importantly... how to begin to mend the broken bonds that were left in their narcissistic, self-absorbed mad dance. Often times, this continual pattern lands us at a spot of looking back at a path of emotional debris we trailed along the hurricane we call our life. It is devastating and miraculous in the same breath when we see this.
Upon this realization, and if we are the "withholder", there is often a pronounced experience of almost clairvoyance insight from a never before seen perspective of neutrality. This position often has us looking at ourself as we truly are, and not who we have attempted to be for as long as we can remember. We often will experience this because we are tired of lying to ourselves, we have run into the truth about ourselves and wish to carry forward to rebuild the bonds which have subsequently deteriorated as a result of this pattern.
Most of us have seen both sides of the withholding dilemna. Emotional pain is at the root of our tendency to withhold, and withholding causes pain to the people subjected to it. For the withholder, it is a means of pseudo-power and control (or so they believe). It is a dysfunctional pattern that creates a breakdown in communication and understanding.
If, on the other hand, it is you that tends to withhold, understand that this is a learned response and it can be unlearned. Find safe places to begin to express all that you've been holding back. Begin to make an effort to say what you're feeling and thinking. Give praise to someone who deserves it. The more you do this, the healthier you and your relationships will become. What was learned over a course of a life cannot be changed overnight-remember, one day at a time.
