There is nothing so strong as gentleness; there is nothing as gentle as real strength. -

The Amazing Power and Bliss of Senior Sex

Entry coming soon.

The Joy's of Little Boys

The Joy's of Little Boys

The Best Things About Having Boys

After our fifth boy was born we decided that our family was only meant for boys. I often get questions of “Are you going to try for a girl?” to which I reply with a smile “No I’m not.” Although I sometimes think I should be sad, and I would love to have a little girl, my life with five boys under the age of nine is lively, wonderful and irreplaceable.

How do I paint a picture that adequately relays the fun, the challenges and the satisfaction that I feel when thinking of my life with these little gentlemen? I wouldn’t explain mothering five boys as a job, a career, or a trudergy; I would more fully describe it as a sport. It takes strategy, hard work, practice, failure, and patience but in the end it is extremely fulfilling.

Little boys usually come with 5 superpowers which bring excitement, laughter and sometimes disaster. These are creativity, physical play, building, destroying, and love and I have plenty of laughable experiences and examples to share.

Creativity

Creativity is something that we don’t lack at our home. The other morning it was still dark outside and I awoke to the feeling that someone was looking at me. As I opened my eyes, my 4 year old was standing at my side, dressed in soldier attire, complete with armbands, helmet, and breast plate. He said nothing but stood at attention with a slight smile on his face. I think he was sure that he had me fooled. “Oh Mr. Soldier have you protected me all night? I asked. To which he responded with a nod, then turned in an about face and ran off to conquer some unseen foe, all before 6:00 am.

I love to hear the creativity when my boys play together. They often create portals, fight sharks, or pretend they are ninjas. In their view the world is split into two kinds of people, “good guys” and “bad guys”, and the good guys always win. After their adventures they flock to tell me about what happened and how they won. Their narrative is complete with hand gestures, playbacks, and spit flailing sound effects.

Sometimes they can get too creative for their own good. When the twins were 7 years old they called me into their room in a panic. When I raced to see what was the matter they were both hiding under their sheets. Still squealing with fear they pointed to a mound of blankets piled on the other side of the room. The blankets were made into a blob with a hat sitting on the top and two squinty paper eyes placed on the front.  They had literally created a monster. I chuckled and said “It looks like you made that monster.” One twin in a panicked voice cried out “Yes but we didn’t know he would look so freaky!”

We use this creativity to our advantage at our home. Instead of the normal set of chores we have command posts with assignments. These include Lord of the Laundry, Boss of the Bathroom, Car Commando, King of the Kitchen, and Floor Fighter. Since these command posts are weekly assignments I address the boys throughout the week according to their command post. For example I will yell “King of the Kitchen please come upstairs.” The boys love the titles and don’t know that chores can be done any other way.

I love the flare that little boys add to the way that I personally interact with them. Since they were young, I have always tried to sing each of them a lullaby. Night after night they beg for me to come and sing, tuck them in or read them a story. I find that it is often a time when they open up about their day or express their latest troubles before they go to bed. After years of singing the same songs I finally ran out. Instead of learning new ones, I now ask them to pick a song and then pick a style. The styles include swedish chef style, concerned mommy style, zombie style, and our favorite--creepy style. Creepy style usually starts with me at the end of their bed, sneaking closer and closer. It ends with them hiding under their blankets and me pouncing in a final tickle. I end up laughing just as hard as they do.

Physical Play

Physical play is definitely an added bonus of little boys. The other day while riding in the car my 4 year old randomly cried out. “I’m more powerful than lava!” He had his chest puffed out and is arms flexed. I couldn’t help but smile. The others barely stopped to glimpse at him because it is so normal. Little boys have so much energy at times that it gives them a sense of power. We often start our family nights with a lesson and a prayer but end with a pileup of laughing boys with daddy at the bottom.  

Sometimes this physical play ends in fighting but even in their fighting they still love each other. Once I heard my twins wrestling unhappily. After I pulled them apart they explained that one had bit the other and it had escalated into a mad wrestle. I made them sit together 15 minutes and talk about what they will do next time they disagree. When I came back to hear their report, I asked them what they decided. One twin said “Next time he bites me, I will give him a piece of candy.” The other smiled and nodded in agreement. They thought they had come up with the perfect solution.

I will readily admit that having boys is fun and games even when it shouldn’t be. We take up an entire long row at our church for a reason. Maybe with a family of adults or even a couple of girls in the mix we wouldn’t need so much room. But because we have all little boys who roam outside the normal movement bubble, it is just better to take up the whole bench. Although mostly well behaved, they fidget, move around, and rock in ways that can’t always be contained. With the superpower of physical play, we find as parents that we need to manage this constant leak of energy in healthy, forward thinking and proactive ways.

Building

I am always surprised at how my boys can make something spectacular out of some random thing that they find in the backyard or our recycle bin. They can easily turn a set of lawn chairs into a spacecraft or an American Ninja Warrior obstacle course. Not a day goes by that a child doesn’t bring something to me that they have created out of legos, Mr. Potato head parts, or lincoln logs; or a mix of all three. Most often the things that they create were never intended for that purpose but my boys have the eye and the ability to make it work.  

One year I held a lego club in my home. I had 18 kids signup, mostly boys ages 4-9. The first day I held my breath as each child came in and I thought “What was I thinking?” Having boys myself, I knew what I was in for. I was extremely surprised, however, when I gave the assignment, pulled out the small kiddy pool full of legos and the kids got started. There was silence, no movement other then 36 little hands moving methodologically and strategically to build some of the most amazing creative works of lego art I have ever seen. After that I have realized that boys have a real knack for building things.They can play for hours doing tedious things that take focused energy as well as physical precision as long as it involves building.

Destroying

With the super power of building there also exists the superpower of sheer destruction. I am amazed at how most little boys seem to come designed to destroy. I believe that this desire to destroy provides balance and scaffolding to their abilities to create, build, and see how things are put together. One year we moved across the country to an empty home as we waited for our furniture and belongings to arrive. We went and bought an air mattress from the store and only had our clothes that we could fit in the car. I blew up the air mattress and turned my back for just a moment while my four year old was drawing pictures with a pen nearby. You can guess what happened next. He made four pen sized holes in our new air mattress. Not because he was mad, not because he was being naughty, but out of simple curiosity.

There are millions of stories of destruction at our house where the motive was curiosity. I once went window shopping for furniture with a friend. She was trying to convince me to buy for quality and to get a couch that would last. I explained that nothing that we had was going to last, not through 5 young boys. My best option was to wait until they were at least partly grown before we bought something too fancy. If it is breakable and within arms reach, they will break it. If it is unbreakable, they will break it. It is just how we roll. Each child goes through a phase where they tear, push, stomp or crush. I once turned my back as I was feeding my 1 yr old. He had a full glass of water and my phone was within reach. When I turned back around only a moment later my expensive phone was in the cup of water. Later the same child a little older escaped for only a second and headed into the bathroom. I was right behind him and he had my phone. The bathroom was dark and when I reached him and snatched him up the only light that could be seen in the bathroom was coming out of the toilet. Again he had found the one sure way to destroy the iPhone. You would think that I would have implemented a phone ban after this but it took another child purchasing a “mountain of diamonds” for $100 real dollars on a kids game for me to finally make the “no touch” rule.

Love

One thing that I hear often is “You are lucky you don’t have to deal with the emotions of girls.” Although I hear this fairly often I am not sure if this is true. We still have plenty of emotion around our house but one emotion that I treasure is the love that I feel from my boys. When we sit down for family study there is a sudden race for mom. It is kind of like the opposite of an explosion. When my husband announces that it is time, all the boys rush in from the different parts of the house at light speed in order to try to land a place next to me. I usually curl in a ball of protection until the dust settles.

These little boys have so much love for their mom. I have told them several times that they cannot undo my love. No matter what they do I love them and there is nothing that will change that. I was surprised that at the end of each day they seem to also reflect this sentiment. They don’t hold grudges, they easily forgive. I am sometimes tired and taxed by the wonderful but challenging task of raising so many little balls of energy at once. With these little fireballs close together I often have to cry out in order to protect one child from another or to keep a child safe from himself. I always feel bad after words. While saying goodnight to one of my boys after a harder than normal day, he wrapped his arms around my neck tightly and hugged me. I asked him to forgive me for getting upset with him earlier. In pure, sweet innocence and with a spirit of complete love he said “Mom, I will always forgive you for everything you will ever do.”

The Honor of Being a Mom to Boys

Every day my heart nearly bursts at the joy and love that I feel from raising these beautiful little boys. Their superpowers of creativity, physical play, building, destroying and love bring great rewards to this sometimes imperfect momma. When I think about this sport of raising boys and the patience, practice and strategy that it takes, there is one word that comes to my mind as to how I feel: “honored”. It is a complete honor to be a mom to boys.

"LOVE"

(Prior to writing this, I wish to note that, during my lifetime, I have been tested extensively at three universities, for foreshadowing and other abilities. That often enters into my evaluations.)

"Love" is the longest word in any language.

Undoubtedly, it is the most complex. As time goes on, I discover people and events that enrich me a thousand fold. No, that is not extreme, because that four-letter word is really quite unlimited in its entire scope.
We sometimes meet a human being who evokes feeling in us which we know is not at all similar to any before. Thus, we may experience an increased vigilance. Also increased may be the feeling of tenderness about that human. Also, as a mental health professional, we have at our fingertips a plethora of resources to form a critical analysis of that "feeling".

"Tenderness" does not presuppose an unawareness of the reality of that person. One of the most exemplary photographic sites hails from Portsmouth, Ohio. The work of this artist/photographer displays exceptional awareness of the inner sense of the bird:

Instagram: MoJo1877

Joyful Stuff!

The day gets "juicier and juicier"!

• Above ALL else!  An incredible photograph, by a very special friend!    So deeply treasured, more than they probably imagine........knowing that in that very second, he saw the world this way. 

•A new person, a surprise in my life. a beautiful human who has been  tested by everything possible.......and yet he still stands tall and strong. Is there anything more beautiful?

• Ed Sheeran (esp. "Dive")

• Amos Lee!

• Adele

• A window looking out on Carolina Blue skies, shiny leaves reflecting         the blazing sun....then going back to the #1 photograph above.

It gets hard to breathe sometimes, in receiving ALL of that into my heart.

Well,  JJC,  45 years later, Adele's song ("When We Were Young") gives me pause.......and many fond memories. I have learned how a person can impact one's life leaving an indelible imprint...never to erode.
You knew this ... as did I. While that song was years from being sung, I never hear it without getting brief tears, and a profound thankfulness for those times....and you.
I remember your calm and gentle confidence. I remember trusting in those minutes. They are engraved in my soul's perpetuity.  I can see your face as if it was yesterday, and your movements, your beliefs in this world and life , your silent thoughts so apparent on your face, and your glances in everyday situations which needed no translation. Your gentle acceptance of some difficult situations, simply heroic to me. You gave me much from which to learn in the decades since.
If there is anything I wish for is to "see" you again in the many soul centuries.
I pray you enjoy good health, and inner growth.

PS- Do you remember the day the carpule shattered? That moment for you, I knew, was critical. I will never, ever forget the way you responded to all levels of that event.

COMMON THREADS by Madelaine J.Watson, MSW,CHT,CIM: James Blunt - No Bravery [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

FOR CHILDREN EVERYWHERE! FOR THOSE WHOSE LAUGHING EYES HAVE DULLED THROUGH PAIN.
COMMON THREADS by Madelaine J.Watson, MSW,CHT,CIM: James Blunt - No Bravery [OFFICIAL VIDEO]: James Blunt served in Kosovo, 1999. Through this song, he shares the compassion for all those children, and the poignant pain and sadness he felt for them.

Westlife - I'll See You Again with Lyrics

Andrew, Ernest, Jenn Cara, Brogan, Brannock, Brinkley,  John J.C., Gary, William (Jr., and III), Rosemary.....as I go through memories, I treasure those who are really still with me every day, in real life or in memory.  As I summon back times and events, I comprehend,  and fathom,  the utter synchronicity of it all.

When I think of each of these people, I am profoundly moved by their strength. Their qualities; the smallest of their facial expressions; the beauty of their grins; their laughter; their burning intensity about life;  the depths of their apparent souls: and things they have said.........seem to literally be engraved on my heart and in my mind forever. 

I view it from decades as these memories transform. They transform as I do. Each day of understanding life more allows me to see the intersection of their lives with my own. And what I had to learn within myself about their presence evoked.

There is a divinity in it all..........a true Divinity........and these humans are a profound gift in my life.

I'll See You Again

Westlife

Always you will be part of me
And I will forever feel your strength
When I need it most
You're gone now, gone but not forgotten
I can't say this to your face
But I know you hear

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

When I'm lost, I'm missing you like crazy
And I tell myself I'm so blessed
To have had you in my life, my life

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

When I had the time to tell you
I never thought I'd live to see the day
When the words I should have said
Would come to haunt me
In my darkest hour I tell myself
I'll see you again

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

I will see you again
I'll see you again
I miss you like crazy
You're gone but not forgotten
I'll never forget you
Someday I'll see you again
I feel you walk beside me
Never leave you, yeah
Gone but not forgotten
I feel you by my side
No this is not goodbye

In this season of Thanksgiving and Christmas, we think of everything that enhances our lives. Of course, we think of all the "good things". Well, that is ok for a part of it.

Think about some of the people, events, things that are negative.......there is much about each that give us the real "juice" of Thanksgiving.

For starters the horrific fires in California.......almost unimaginable.  They have been/are the size of most of our cities PLUS the city next to us. Sadly, there are hundreds more examples.

On these days, I think especially of children. If  you are thinking how you might help, I usually favor St. Judes Children's Hospital.

Another excellent resource is:
Givewll.org/Charity Reviews and Research. There are many charities which are happy to receive a few dollars a month.

I think your holiday week will be much richer as you realize you have contributed to a child's life.

"Our Daughter Keeps Complaining About Her Childhood!"

Our Daughter Keeps Complaining About her Childhood!

  

Q. Our estranged daughter is 28-years-old. In limited contacts with us beginning about a year ago she insisted on bringing up what she perceives as a horrible childhood due to horrible parenting. (Naturally we see it as quite the opposite.) We tried to listen to her complaints with empathy and have apologized for our inevitable parenting mistakes. It seemed the more we attempted to make things right, the more she ranted on and abused us verbally. We finally told her we would not discuss the past ever again because we had said everything we could think to say and anything she had to say was extremely hurtful and not productive. We should add that this is the second episode of the same thing we have been through with her; the first being when she was in her early twenties. At that point we said the same thing and things got better for awhile but then we "slipped up" by allowing her to start again...This time we REALLY mean it. Or do we?

We heard you say a couple times that we should let our child know we are open to discuss her issues any time but honestly, neither of us wants to open that door ever again because we know what's behind it and we don't see the point in allowing her to verbally beat us up yet one more time. (We have offered to discuss it with a therapist but she lives in a different state and refused anyway.) 

We are hoping to slowly mend the relationship by using some of the strategies you have recommended - but just refuse to discuss parenting issues. Are we on the right track or are we doing the wrong thing by refusing to talk about her issues?

A. I think youʼre right to limit or at least to structure these conversations with her. The fact that she has to yell at you as opposed to simply tell you speaks to fragility or an immaturity on her part. From this perspective, a parent has several aims:

* Teach her appropriate response to conflict

* Work toward resolving that conflict

Weʼll talk more about this in future webinars, but in general, you can say, the next time this comes up, "We are very interested in discussing the past with you and can tell that you feel hurt and misunderstood. But, it hasnʼt felt productive to have the meetings go in the ways that they have so far. Maybe you feel better afterwards? It doesnʼt seem like you do. I guess if we really felt like your yelling at us was moving things toward resolution weʼd be open to a few sessions of that. But since weʼve tried that and it hasnʼt worked we have to assume that it may not feel any better or more progressive to you than it does to us. Weʼre happy to talk to a family therapist with you, or maybe you could write out in a letter some of the things that you wish weʼd respond to. We feel like we have, but maybe it wasnʼt enough."

In that case you're both encouraging communication but you're shinging a light on her behavior and

“And I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know.” - Mitch Albom