"LOVE"

(Prior to writing this, I wish to note that, during my lifetime, I have been tested extensively at three universities, for foreshadowing and other abilities. That often enters into my evaluations.)

"Love" is the longest word in any language.

Undoubtedly, it is the most complex. As time goes on, I discover people and events that enrich me a thousand fold. No, that is not extreme, because that four-letter word is really quite unlimited in its entire scope.
We sometimes meet a human being who evokes feeling in us which we know is not at all similar to any before. Thus, we may experience an increased vigilance. Also increased may be the feeling of tenderness about that human. Also, as a mental health professional, we have at our fingertips a plethora of resources to form a critical analysis of that "feeling".

"Tenderness" does not presuppose an unawareness of the reality of that person. One of the most exemplary photographic sites hails from Portsmouth, Ohio. The work of this artist/photographer displays exceptional awareness of the inner sense of the bird:

Instagram: MoJo1877

Joyful Stuff!

The day gets "juicier and juicier"!

• Above ALL else!  An incredible photograph, by a very special friend!    So deeply treasured, more than they probably imagine........knowing that in that very second, he saw the world this way. 

•A new person, a surprise in my life. a beautiful human who has been  tested by everything possible.......and yet he still stands tall and strong. Is there anything more beautiful?

• Ed Sheeran (esp. "Dive")

• Amos Lee!

• Adele

• A window looking out on Carolina Blue skies, shiny leaves reflecting         the blazing sun....then going back to the #1 photograph above.

It gets hard to breathe sometimes, in receiving ALL of that into my heart.

Well,  JJC,  45 years later, Adele's song ("When We Were Young") gives me pause.......and many fond memories. I have learned how a person can impact one's life leaving an indelible imprint...never to erode.
You knew this ... as did I. While that song was years from being sung, I never hear it without getting brief tears, and a profound thankfulness for those times....and you.
I remember your calm and gentle confidence. I remember trusting in those minutes. They are engraved in my soul's perpetuity.  I can see your face as if it was yesterday, and your movements, your beliefs in this world and life , your silent thoughts so apparent on your face, and your glances in everyday situations which needed no translation. Your gentle acceptance of some difficult situations, simply heroic to me. You gave me much from which to learn in the decades since.
If there is anything I wish for is to "see" you again in the many soul centuries.
I pray you enjoy good health, and inner growth.

PS- Do you remember the day the carpule shattered? That moment for you, I knew, was critical. I will never, ever forget the way you responded to all levels of that event.

COMMON THREADS by Madelaine J.Watson, MSW,CHT,CIM: James Blunt - No Bravery [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

FOR CHILDREN EVERYWHERE! FOR THOSE WHOSE LAUGHING EYES HAVE DULLED THROUGH PAIN.
COMMON THREADS by Madelaine J.Watson, MSW,CHT,CIM: James Blunt - No Bravery [OFFICIAL VIDEO]: James Blunt served in Kosovo, 1999. Through this song, he shares the compassion for all those children, and the poignant pain and sadness he felt for them.

Westlife - I'll See You Again with Lyrics

Andrew, Ernest, Jenn Cara, Brogan, Brannock, Brinkley,  John J.C., Gary, William (Jr., and III), Rosemary.....as I go through memories, I treasure those who are really still with me every day, in real life or in memory.  As I summon back times and events, I comprehend,  and fathom,  the utter synchronicity of it all.

When I think of each of these people, I am profoundly moved by their strength. Their qualities; the smallest of their facial expressions; the beauty of their grins; their laughter; their burning intensity about life;  the depths of their apparent souls: and things they have said.........seem to literally be engraved on my heart and in my mind forever. 

I view it from decades as these memories transform. They transform as I do. Each day of understanding life more allows me to see the intersection of their lives with my own. And what I had to learn within myself about their presence evoked.

There is a divinity in it all..........a true Divinity........and these humans are a profound gift in my life.

I'll See You Again

Westlife

Always you will be part of me
And I will forever feel your strength
When I need it most
You're gone now, gone but not forgotten
I can't say this to your face
But I know you hear

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

When I'm lost, I'm missing you like crazy
And I tell myself I'm so blessed
To have had you in my life, my life

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

When I had the time to tell you
I never thought I'd live to see the day
When the words I should have said
Would come to haunt me
In my darkest hour I tell myself
I'll see you again

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again

I will see you again
I'll see you again
I miss you like crazy
You're gone but not forgotten
I'll never forget you
Someday I'll see you again
I feel you walk beside me
Never leave you, yeah
Gone but not forgotten
I feel you by my side
No this is not goodbye

In this season of Thanksgiving and Christmas, we think of everything that enhances our lives. Of course, we think of all the "good things". Well, that is ok for a part of it.

Think about some of the people, events, things that are negative.......there is much about each that give us the real "juice" of Thanksgiving.

For starters the horrific fires in California.......almost unimaginable.  They have been/are the size of most of our cities PLUS the city next to us. Sadly, there are hundreds more examples.

On these days, I think especially of children. If  you are thinking how you might help, I usually favor St. Judes Children's Hospital.

Another excellent resource is:
Givewll.org/Charity Reviews and Research. There are many charities which are happy to receive a few dollars a month.

I think your holiday week will be much richer as you realize you have contributed to a child's life.

"Our Daughter Keeps Complaining About Her Childhood!"

Our Daughter Keeps Complaining About her Childhood!

  

Q. Our estranged daughter is 28-years-old. In limited contacts with us beginning about a year ago she insisted on bringing up what she perceives as a horrible childhood due to horrible parenting. (Naturally we see it as quite the opposite.) We tried to listen to her complaints with empathy and have apologized for our inevitable parenting mistakes. It seemed the more we attempted to make things right, the more she ranted on and abused us verbally. We finally told her we would not discuss the past ever again because we had said everything we could think to say and anything she had to say was extremely hurtful and not productive. We should add that this is the second episode of the same thing we have been through with her; the first being when she was in her early twenties. At that point we said the same thing and things got better for awhile but then we "slipped up" by allowing her to start again...This time we REALLY mean it. Or do we?

We heard you say a couple times that we should let our child know we are open to discuss her issues any time but honestly, neither of us wants to open that door ever again because we know what's behind it and we don't see the point in allowing her to verbally beat us up yet one more time. (We have offered to discuss it with a therapist but she lives in a different state and refused anyway.) 

We are hoping to slowly mend the relationship by using some of the strategies you have recommended - but just refuse to discuss parenting issues. Are we on the right track or are we doing the wrong thing by refusing to talk about her issues?

A. I think youʼre right to limit or at least to structure these conversations with her. The fact that she has to yell at you as opposed to simply tell you speaks to fragility or an immaturity on her part. From this perspective, a parent has several aims:

* Teach her appropriate response to conflict

* Work toward resolving that conflict

Weʼll talk more about this in future webinars, but in general, you can say, the next time this comes up, "We are very interested in discussing the past with you and can tell that you feel hurt and misunderstood. But, it hasnʼt felt productive to have the meetings go in the ways that they have so far. Maybe you feel better afterwards? It doesnʼt seem like you do. I guess if we really felt like your yelling at us was moving things toward resolution weʼd be open to a few sessions of that. But since weʼve tried that and it hasnʼt worked we have to assume that it may not feel any better or more progressive to you than it does to us. Weʼre happy to talk to a family therapist with you, or maybe you could write out in a letter some of the things that you wish weʼd respond to. We feel like we have, but maybe it wasnʼt enough."

In that case you're both encouraging communication but you're shinging a light on her behavior and

“And I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know.” - Mitch Albom

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Traci Stein Ph.D., MPH

The Integrationist

Dealing With Everyday Sadists and Other "Dark Personalities"

5 important tips for protecting yourself from those who would do you harm

Posted Aug 20, 2014

There are several personality types that are more likely to harm another than the average person would. Sadists possess an intrinsic motivation to inflict suffering on innocent others, even when this comes at a personal cost. This is because for sadistic personalities, cruelty is pleasurable, generally exciting, and can be sexually stimulating.

In a recent study, Buckels and colleagues examined examples of everyday sadism as part of what they refer to as the “Dark Tetrad,” sadism plus the original members of the “Dark Triad”—psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism. These personalities have some overlap and are characterized by callous manipulation, self-centeredness, disagreeableness, and exploitation. In their research, the team sought to determine whether everyday sadism could be captured in the laboratory, as well as whether measures of sadistic personality would predict these behaviors beyond already established measures of the Dark Triad. Among the findings were that sadistic personalities were the most likely members of the Dark Tetrad to select the task involving killing from an array of unpleasant tasks. Those sadists who killed more bugs derived greater pleasure from the act than those who killed fewer bugs.

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In a second, related study, those high in sadism, psychopathy, and/or narcissism, as well as those low in empathy and perspective-taking, were willing to aggress against an innocent person when aggression was easy. Only sadists increased the intensity of their attack once they realized the person would not fight back, however. Furthermore, sadists, unlike the other "dark personalities," were the only ones willing to expend additional time and energy (in this case, first completing a boring task) in order to have the opportunity to hurt an innocent person.

Previous research has found that although psychopaths have no qualms about hurting others, they are more likely to do so when it serves a specific purpose. Narcissists are less likely to aggress upon another unless their ego is threatened. Machiavellians will usually aggress upon others only if there are sufficient perceived benefits and the risk to themselves is acceptably low.  

Sadists (and Other Members of the Dark Tetrad) in Everyday Life

Most of us will encounter an "everyday sadist"—someone who actively seeks to cause us emotional pain. Given the potential for overlap among sadism, narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, for the purposes of the below we will refer to anyone who purposefully causes emotional harm as an everyday sadist, or ES. The actions of an ES can range from the petty to the severe.

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Common examples of everyday sadism include:

• Intentionally repeating secrets that the ES promised to keep private 
• Portraying someone in a false or unflattering light in an effort to damage their reputation
• Working to bring about someone’s being fired or otherwise jeopardize their job in the absence of cause
• Seeking to ruin another person's relationship
• Theft of property—physical, financial, or intellectual
• Deliberately marginalizing a coworker, classmate, or family member, or student
• Cyber or other bullying

ESs can be very skillful at orchestrating such situations, and often set them up so that it is difficult to prove that they are culpable (they will never take responsibility or feel remorse for harming another, regardless). Because of their ability to charm others, ESs may be popular, professionally successful or socially influential, and thus, others may be either unaware or unable to acknowledge the deliberate and harmful nature of their actions.

As described above, the ES may seek to harm another because they believe it benefits them in some way, because they feel threatened or envious, if they perceive the target as weak and/or unlikely to retaliate, or simply because hurting another is pleasurable. In some cases, the reason for the attack may be difficult for the victim to discern. Although we may like to think of ESs as strangers, the ES may very well be someone you know and consider yourself close to, such as a family member, friend, partner, or colleague.

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Some Everyday Scenario“Mike” experienced considerable self-consciousness and anxiety when he lost his job and was having a hard time finding another one. Mike sought support by talking to his brother “Jerry,” but asked Jerry not to tell anyone else. Jerry agreed. Several weeks later, Jerry invited Mike to what he described as a “casual barbeque” at his house. Mike was uncomfortably surprised when he arrived at what turned out to be a party to celebrate Jerry’s recent promotion. 

He was further stunned and self-conscious when several of the other guests offered their condolences to Mike on the loss of his job.  

When Mike later raised the issue with Jerry, Jerry denied revealing Mike’s secret and said he had “no idea” Mike would feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. Mike remembered felt guilty for assuming the worst about Jerry, but still had a difficult time sitting with his anger and resentment. Although Mike wanted to accept Jerry’s excuse, he realized that throughout their relationship, he and Jerry had engaged in a dance where Jerry attempted to draw Mike in, “unintentionally” hurt him, and always denied responsibility.

“Janice” had been friends with “Kelly” since grade school. As teens, Janice told Kelly that she liked “Jim.” Soon after this disclosure, Kelly began dating him. Although Janice remembered having felt betrayed, foolish, and profoundly hurt, she reluctantly accepted Kelly’s explanation that she and Jim were “meant for each other.”  Kelly’s passion for Jim quickly dwindled when Janice began dating someone else, however, and Kelly soon dropped a heartbroken Jim only to flirtwith Janice’s new boyfriend. Attempts to discuss similar situations with Kelly over the years invariably led to denials and profuse declarations of her loyalty to Janice. When Janice would attempt to create distance from her, Kelly worked hard to draw Janice back in. Janice usually wound up forgiving Kelly, until, years later, Janice walked in on her husband having an affair—with Kelly—in Janice’s bed. Remarkably, Janice recalled wondering what she could have done to make her husband prefer Kelly over her.

ESs can make you doubt your sanity and question whether you are entitled to be angry. In the study referenced earlier, members of the Dark Tetrad were more willing than the average person to inflict harm in the complete absence of provocation. Sadists in particular increased the intensity of their attack once they realized that the innocent person would not fight back.

What Can You Do?

1. Pay attention to your feelings. Members of the Dark Tetrad are supremely skilled at inducing self-doubt, shock, shame, anger, and feeling betrayed—as well as guilt for having these feelings about the offender. If your interactions with the someone in your life are characterized by the above, you may very well be dealing with someone who fits into one of the DT categories. 
2. Acknowledge and release any hope of changing, “healing,” or “reforming” the ES or other “dark personality.” It won’t work, and will only convey another “weakness” to someone who is essentially exploitative, callous, and will delight in your continued suffering or humiliation. Relatedly, let go of any hope that the ES will acknowledge wrongdoing or be remorseful. It's not in their nature.
3. Examine whether you may be a “prime target.” ESs are uncannily able to discern when someone is likely to tolerate, ignore, deny, rationalize, or even take responsibility for the ES’s malicious behavior for whatever reason. If you tend to attract ESs in your life either at work or in social relationships, ask yourself why you have tolerated this kind of treatment thus far. Write down the costs and benefits of remaining in relationships with people who treat you poorly. Seek support from those who have a track record of respecting your boundaries and treating you well.
4. Decide what healthy limits will look like for you—or what kind of boundary you will need to establish in order to feel emotionally or otherwise safe with the ES, if this is someone you will continue to deal with in some way (e.g., if the ES is a boss, sibling, parent or in-law). Setting healthy boundaries may include limiting the frequency and/or duration of encounters with the ES, being selective about what you reveal to him/her, or cutting off contact altogether for either a period of time or indefinitely.  Initially, the ES will likely resist your efforts to change your relationship, but if you are consistent with maintaining the new boundaries, eventually they will have to look for their “supply” elsewhere.
5. When in doubt, seek professional help. Many people have a difficult time wrapping their minds around the idea of someone they know taking delight in their misery, particularly if the ES is someone close to them. It’s just not how most people are wired, and the rest of us tend to assume others will operate according to the same social rules and personal values we honor. A common response is to resolve any cognitive dissonance between what you observe and what is comfortable to believe by denying the problem. A professional can help you perform the necessary “reality check” and develop a plan to protect yourself. 

Everyone has caused emotional hurt in some way at some point, whether out of ignorance, in the heat of an argument, or when having felt threatened. Key components in everyday sadism, however, are the intention to harm, pleasure in causing another's distress, a lack or remorse, and failure to take responsibility. The above tips can help you spot others who are intentionally harmful and take steps to protect yourself.

Be well!

For further reading:

Buckels, E. E., Jones, D. N., & Paulhus, D. L. (2013). Behavioral confirmation of everyday sadism. Psychological Science, 24(11), 2201-2209.

Furham, A., Richards, S. C., & Paulhus, D. L. (2013). The dark triad of personality: A 10 year review. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 7(3), 199-2

About the Author

Dr. Traci Stein, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist, certified clinical hypnotherapist, and health educator who integrates complementary/alternative and conventional healing approaches.

Il Divo - Hallelujah (Alelujah) (Live Video)

Exquisite, on so many levels! I particularly love the serenity of their facial and body language, and the precision of each of them.......and their joyful  expressions which reveal their love of their art.

"It's Time to Say Goodbye" ~ another beautifully heart-wrenching song

https://ildivo.com/

Il Divo has stood out for its mixture of opera in songs of different genres, thus becoming an icon of the crossover groups of classical music. Since its debut in 2004, the group comprising the Spanish Carlos Marin, the Swiss tenor Urs Buhler, the Frenchman Sebastien Izambard and the American tenor David Miller, triumphed on the most important stages around the world and have sold millions of records as throughout his career.

Currently, Il Divo returns with a unique and unique material that brings together the songs of love and romance of all times.

For the past 15 years, at Il Divo we have taken songs from a wide variety of genres and made them unmistakably ours. Now we wanted to make a tournament through time and overcome all the differences between the styles of different areas, with Urs, when talking about the preparations of “Timeless”

“This album represents our tribute to the eternal nature of all music…” declared David.

While Carlos said, “Timeless is for me one of the most special records we have done so far in our career with IL DIVO. We select songs from all periods that have been reproduced in movies and amazing romantic soundtracks from the 30 to songs of our days such as the mythical song “Smile” based on an instrumental theme used in the soundtrack of the 1936 film Charlie Chaplin”.

Thus arises his new and awaited album “TIMELESS”, the seventh album of his career, for the first time under the executive production of Il Divo, totally produced, mixed and mastered by Alberto Quintero in Los Angeles. In the month of August will go on sale, however the world launch will be on April 18 in Mexico and let us delight with the eternal anthems of romance, mostly famous and popular in different languages, which will bring us to the memories great unforgettable moments.

“I’m very proud of this record and I bring it to life on stage with incredible ideas. I hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoy creating it.” said Sebastien.

The tour of the album, “TIMELESS TOUR” will begin on April 20 in Mexico City and will end, after eight months of world tour, passing through Asia, South Africa, Australia and Latin America; in the United States with 40 shows giving a total of 120 annual where the public will enjoy the classics renewed in the masterful voices of Il Divo that will tour the most important scenarios .

Once again trying to take a step forward “Timeless Tour” will be an elegant, romantic, dramatic and sensual show that will include elements such as video, dancers, acrobatics and above all: Voices! A trip to the most exciting experience of Il Divo so far!Joined by Simon Cowell in 2003, Urs Buhler, Sebastien Izambard, Carlos Marin and David Miller, pioneered an entirely new musical genre when they released their groundbreaking debut album in 2004. Since then, the group of four international members has achieved success without comparison in the whole world, with more than 30 million discs sold, 50 discs No.1, 160 recognitions of Gold and Platinum in more than 33 countries and four world tours with all tickets sold.Il Divo have released seven albums to date. After the debut album that bears his name (and whose sales earned them the Platinum album), his later albums – Ancora (2005), Siempre (2006), The Promise (2008) and Wicked Game (2011) – have developed the successful combination of virtuosity and popularity of the group. With their recording of 2013, A Musical Affair, they celebrated the classics of Broadway and The West End. In 2015 they released “Amor y Pasion” compiling the best Hispanic songs, debuting in the first week at number 1 of the Latin Albums Chart, with 5 thousand copies sold in America in the first week, according to the Billboard magazine.

Un soldado a casa regreso
Y un niño enfermo se curo
Y hoy no hay trabajo en el bosque de la lluvia

Un desamparado se salvo
Por causa de una buena acción
Y hoy ya nadie lo repudia, Aleluya

Aleluya, Aleluya
Aleluya, Aleluya

Un ateo que consiguió creer
Y un hambriento y tener de comer
Y hoy donaron a una iglesia una fortuna

Que la guerra pronto se acabara
Que en el mundo al fin reinara la paz
Que no habrá miseria alguna, Aleluya

Aleluya, Aleluya
Aleluya, Aleluya

Porque la norma sea el amor
Y no gobierne la cruzión sino
Lo bueno y lo mejor del alma pura

Porque Dios nos proteja de un mal final
Porque un día podamos estar de en tal
Porque acaben un día con tanta furia, Aleluya

Aleluya, Aleluya
Aleluya, Aleluya
Aleluya, Aleluya

"Italian Men Are the Best Lovers" by Fiona Macrae

Dedication: John J. C., Jr./ A.J.T.  /  Il Divo, The Tenors, Luciano Pavarotti and Italian opera, a grin, intense "in any situation", espresso, a man’s love of flowers, teacher of men, mutual intuition, deep sensual nature/ very best ever! Smolder.... Salutare!

Bad news, men: 

Italian men are the best lovers - 
and English men are bottom of the table

64 per cent of Italian men and women are happy with their love lives
But only 54 per cent of British people are satisfied with their sex           lives

Scottish people have the lowest expectations - one in 10 expect sex to last less than two minutes, a third of Italians think over 10 minutes is the norm.

By FIONA MACRAE SCIENCE CORRESPONDENT

English men might want to look away now.

Italians came out on top in a ‘sex of the nations survey’.

Some 64 per cent of the Italian men and women polled said they were satisfied with their love life.

A poll found 64 per cent of Italians are satisfied with their love lives compared to 54 per cent of English people. The survey was conducted as part of a drive, supported by rugby players Sean Maitland of Scotland (left) and Danny Care of England (right), to encourage people to seek help for their sexual health problems

England only managed a below average 54 per cent – the lowest of the six nations surveyed.

However, Scots shouldn’t be too smug

The survey of more than 6,000 people from Italy, France, England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland found Scots to have the lowest expectations.

Almost one in ten said they expect sex to last less than two minutes.

The poll also revealed Scottish people have the lowest sexual expectations. Dan Biggar of Wales (pictured) has also been involved in the campaign

In contrast over a third of Italians think more than ten minutes to be the norm.

The research, commissioned to help highlight the prevalence of premature ejaculation, the most common male sexual health problem, also found that more than one fifth of people would like sex to last longer.

Martin Tod, chief executive of the Men’s Health Forum, said: ‘Premature ejaculation can lead to feelings of frustration and disappointment.
‘It can have a real negative impact on quality of life for men and their partners.
‘It is more common than people think and men should not feel embarrassed to do something about it.
‘Help is available from your GP.  There’s no need to suffer in silence.’ 

The research was done for drug company Menarini, which has teamed up with international rugby players, Danny Care, Sean Maitland and Dan Biggar, to encourage people to seek help for sexual problems.