Our Daughter Keeps Complaining About her Childhood!
Q. Our estranged daughter is 28-years-old. In limited contacts with us beginning about a year ago she insisted on bringing up what she perceives as a horrible childhood due to horrible parenting. (Naturally we see it as quite the opposite.) We tried to listen to her complaints with empathy and have apologized for our inevitable parenting mistakes. It seemed the more we attempted to make things right, the more she ranted on and abused us verbally. We finally told her we would not discuss the past ever again because we had said everything we could think to say and anything she had to say was extremely hurtful and not productive. We should add that this is the second episode of the same thing we have been through with her; the first being when she was in her early twenties. At that point we said the same thing and things got better for awhile but then we "slipped up" by allowing her to start again...This time we REALLY mean it. Or do we?
We heard you say a couple times that we should let our child know we are open to discuss her issues any time but honestly, neither of us wants to open that door ever again because we know what's behind it and we don't see the point in allowing her to verbally beat us up yet one more time. (We have offered to discuss it with a therapist but she lives in a different state and refused anyway.)
We are hoping to slowly mend the relationship by using some of the strategies you have recommended - but just refuse to discuss parenting issues. Are we on the right track or are we doing the wrong thing by refusing to talk about her issues?
A. I think youʼre right to limit or at least to structure these conversations with her. The fact that she has to yell at you as opposed to simply tell you speaks to fragility or an immaturity on her part. From this perspective, a parent has several aims:
* Teach her appropriate response to conflict
* Work toward resolving that conflict
Weʼll talk more about this in future webinars, but in general, you can say, the next time this comes up, "We are very interested in discussing the past with you and can tell that you feel hurt and misunderstood. But, it hasnʼt felt productive to have the meetings go in the ways that they have so far. Maybe you feel better afterwards? It doesnʼt seem like you do. I guess if we really felt like your yelling at us was moving things toward resolution weʼd be open to a few sessions of that. But since weʼve tried that and it hasnʼt worked we have to assume that it may not feel any better or more progressive to you than it does to us. Weʼre happy to talk to a family therapist with you, or maybe you could write out in a letter some of the things that you wish weʼd respond to. We feel like we have, but maybe it wasnʼt enough."
In that case you're both encouraging communication but you're shinging a light on her behavior and
