Isolation is the number #1 tool of emotional abuse, withholding is the #2 tool.
This is where it all begins...and most women (because they are the primary gender abused for many reasons) never see it coming, yet everyone around them is capable of seeing it. Well...almost everyone. That depends on where on the continuum the emotional abuse is. I.E., if "the people all around them" have already been weaned down by the controlling spouse. The very objective in this lenghty, subtle, passive-aggressive process is to assure that the victim doesn't notice it.
This in itself is not terribly difficult especially if the wife is not working...her perspective becomes narrowed down to child-care and housekeeping. The isolation is also implemented by moving to an area which, due to its own culture, is not challenging to the woman. The abusive spouse will do anything to keep her "out of the mix" of spiritually and intellectually stimulating people. Generally, the abusive spouse will do much to avoid further education of his partner, because of his own insecurities. The real truth is that the man is generally terrified to have his partner become "all that she can be", since his own confidence is low. Often, the abusive spouse "looks" different than he really is. On the surface, he may be charming, well-employed, have monied family, but he really wants the "trophy" wife and children, so that they can proclaim his "identified value" to the circle of people he creates...again no one who ever challenges him is included in his circle...where his impoverishment is not so obvious.
As an example, I know a woman, who after a years-long grooming by the husband, was not allowed to go to her brother's wedding in another state, 'because we don't have any money for things like that". The knowledge that the husband had over two million dollars in assets failed to register in her brain...and to connect with how very little a plane ticket or gas would have been so that she could attend. Years later, she was outraged...mostly at herself...when she finally "connected". Then, she could say what she would have done in that moment, should the same event occur again. For many years she was sad about thtIt all begins, of course, with a power/control structure, mostly noticed by seeing otherwise strong, bright and capable women becoming depressed and anxious, more controlling themselves, perhaps drinking more, and trying harder and harder each day to be the perfect, trophy wife...the perfect mother.
This in itself is not terribly difficult especially if the wife is not working...her perspective becomes narrowed down to child-care and housekeeping. The isolation is also implemented by moving to an area which, due to its own culture, is not challenging to the woman. The abusive spouse will do anything to keep her "out of the mix" of spiritually and intellectually stimulating people. Generally, the abusive spouse will do much to avoid further education of his partner, because of his own insecurities. The real truth is that the man is generally terrified to have his partner become "all that she can be", since his own confidence is low. Often, the abusive spouse "looks" different than he really is. On the surface, he may be charming, well-employed, have monied family, but he really wants the "trophy" wife and children, so that they can proclaim his "identified value" to the circle of people he creates...again no one who ever challenges him is included in his circle...where his impoverishment is not so obvious.
As an example, I know a woman, who after a years-long grooming by the husband, was not allowed to go to her brother's wedding in another state, 'because we don't have any money for things like that". The knowledge that the husband had over two million dollars in assets failed to register in her brain...and to connect with how very little a plane ticket or gas would have been so that she could attend. Years later, she was outraged...mostly at herself...when she finally "connected". Then, she could say what she would have done in that moment, should the same event occur again. For many years she was sad about thtIt all begins, of course, with a power/control structure, mostly noticed by seeing otherwise strong, bright and capable women becoming depressed and anxious, more controlling themselves, perhaps drinking more, and trying harder and harder each day to be the perfect, trophy wife...the perfect mother.
How to Recognize and Cope with the Isolation in an Abusive Relationship
Isolation is one of the mechanisms used to create and maintain domination of one person over another.
Isolation is one of the mechanisms used to create and maintain domination of one person over another.
Evolution of Isolation in Abusive Relationships
It often evolves so gradually that you don’t realize it’s happening until you wake-up one day and notice you have few friends of your own, and your contact with your own family has vanished. Now the funny thing is that as your icy isolation is being groomed, you’re conditioned to believe that it is “good for you.” (There’s that conditioning, again.)
You’re told things like this person is not worthy of your company, that person is undesirable to your partner, another poses a threat to your relationship. People who may have different views than your partner, especially one which are healthier than his, are targeted by the spouse for "long-term removal". The most welcome in your life, as determined by the emotionally abusing spouse, are those which do not encourage your growth, and those who do not challenge you for your highest good. The abuser does not want you to grow mentally and emotionally, because that threatens his own impoverished ego. To him, there are as many reasons for you not to have people in your life, other than your partner, as there were people in you life, before the abusive relationship.
Another insidious strategy from the abusive spouse regards the parents and family of both partners...only the parents who represent the same dysfunction as in himself, are welcomed into his family. Any parent who represents challenge for a higher good, independence, individuation, etc., will, over time be sorted "out of the mix".
Another insidious strategy from the abusive spouse regards the parents and family of both partners...only the parents who represent the same dysfunction as in himself, are welcomed into his family. Any parent who represents challenge for a higher good, independence, individuation, etc., will, over time be sorted "out of the mix".
And when you internalize your partner’s perception of his/her preferences with respect to the people being walled out of your life, you are rewarded by the partner. Sometimes this reward maybe in the form of a positive gesture by him. Or, it may present as the absence of a previously negative spill of verbal emotional abuse when you failed to comply with the walling off of this particular person.
How This Isolation Serves Your Partner.
There are several ways in which your isolation serves your partner and helps maintain the abuse in your relationship.
a) Your isolation creates a relationship climate of dependence, as there are no other adults in your personal orbit other than your partner.
b) Your isolation creates an exterior shield of silence regarding the abuse in your home.
c) Your isolation serves to silence you from yourself with respect to your abusive relationship.
b) Your isolation creates an exterior shield of silence regarding the abuse in your home.
c) Your isolation serves to silence you from yourself with respect to your abusive relationship.
What You Can Do to Overcome Icy Isolation in an Abusive Relationship.
If you are in an abusive relationship, the “other” people falling out of your personal orbit may very well be your first tip-off that something is not right at home. When you notice yourself participating in the narrowing of your personal social or family circle, take a hard and honest look at all of the defining characteristics of abusive relationships.
If your relationship has progressed and you see yourself in many ways “stuck” or merely trying to work things out with your partner, make a personal commitment to yourself to always keep open at least one channel of contact with someone near and dear, even if you have to do so secretly. This person could be your lifeline in a time of need.
For more information about the dynamics of abusive relationships, visit http://www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com and claim your free Survivor Success Tips & eInsights. If you want to know all of the defining characteristics of abusive relationships, see the Intimate Partner Abuse Screen. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. ©2008 Jeanne King, Ph.D.
