Creating Rich Relationships

Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and
Licensed Psychologist.  He is available for coaching in any area
presented in "Practical Life Coaching" (formerly "Practical
Psychology").  Initial coaching sessions are free.  Contact him: (970)
568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.

CREATING RICH RELATIONSHIPS

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

       Most of us are not very skilled at creating enriching relationships.
 Many of us take pride in our sense of independence.  Some of us are
unaware of the impact our behavior has on others.  We believe
ourselves to be separate from others.  We often use our sense of
"being different" as a protection against being disappointed, hurt or
abandoned.  We believe "my needs are different, so I don't belong" in
a group, community or network.  Sometimes we feel we don't belong even
in our own families.

       If we grew up in frightening, hostile or troubled families, we begin
to withdraw from others in our family.  We seek emotional safety by
mentally dividing the human species into two different categories...me
and everybody else.   In our minds and in our behavior, we isolate
ourselves from others.  We decide we are special and everyone else is
different, inferior or even dangerous.  Herein lays the root of
racism.  We fear and fail to recognize we are of one species...human.

       Buddha once said, "In separateness lies the world's greatest
misery."  Theologian, Paul Tillich wrote, "Sin is separateness."
Therapist, Wayne Muller writes, "As we close ourselves inward, we
create a sphere of safety that becomes smaller and smaller until it
has room enough only for ourselves, removed from anything or anyone
who could ever love us, from anyone who would touch, caress, or heal
us."

       When we habitually isolate ourselves from others, our relationships
become psychologically bankrupt, empty of any kind of emotional
richness.  Such relationships die, and their deaths seem to prove to
the "loner" that he or she is indeed different, separate and alone.

       How can we enrich our relationships?  First, we need to recognize,
whether we like it or not, we are all interdependent.  We are each
unique individuals, yes.  Nevertheless, we depend on others for food,
shelter, transportation, clothing, music, entertainment, need
fulfillment, even life and breath.  Each of us is woven into a
delicate fabric of interdependence.

       After we realize our interconnectedness, we need to make what
Stephen Covey calls "emotional deposits" into those relationships.  We
need to balance our relationship accounts by not withdrawing more than
we deposit.

       Covey, in his book, "The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People,"
describes five types of emotional deposits and their counterparts,
emotional withdrawals.  The first is Kindness vs. Unkindness.  Every
act of kindness is nourishment to a relationship.  Every unkind act is
a poison.

       The second is: Keeping Promises vs. Breaking promises.  Trust is
based upon promises kept.  Relationships break when trust is violated
through broken promises.

       The third is: Honoring Expectations vs. Violating Expectations.
Healthy relationships are based upon mutual expectations.  We need to
respect the expectations we have of ourselves, and honor the
expectations others have of us.  When we violate others' expectations,
the relationship becomes weakened.

       The fourth emotional deposit is Loyalty.  Its counterpart is
Duplicity.  Loyalty is exemplified when we speak well of others when
they are not present.  Duplicity (being "two-faced") for example, is
when we speak well of others when they are present, and negatively
about them when they are absent.  Friendships thrive with loyalty, die
with duplicity.

       Covey's final emotional deposit/withdrawal to relationships is
Apologizing vs. Pride.  Recognize we all make mistakes.  When you or
another make mistakes, apologizing sincerely and forgiving completely
is a huge emotional deposit.  If we are so insecure and pride-full, we
never apologize, we make an equally huge emotional withdrawal from the
relationship.

       I would add one more very important emotional deposit: regularly
communicating appreciations.  The opposite of appreciation is
criticism.  Positive appreciation enriches relationships, whereas even
"constructive" criticism makes a large withdrawal.  If you want to
create an emotionally nourishing relationship, begin by daily
communication of at least 5 characteristics, behaviors and attitudes
of the other person.  Keep in mind that repetition of appreciations is
okay.  The more often you genuinely express appreciations, the more
likely the people will believe you... and believe in themselves.

       Daily practice of making emotional deposits in all your
relationships will make you one emotionally very rich person.  Your
life will become filled with emotional health, abundance and delight.