How to Fight: 10 Rules of Relationship Conflict Resolution / Huffinton Post

How to Fight: 10 Rules of Relationship Conflict Resolution

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rory-vaden/conflict-resolution_b_1474742.html?view=print&comm_ref=false

Posted: 05/11/2012 6:10 am

Great relationships develop not from the absence of conflict, but from determining an agreeable pattern for how to resolve conflict. Defining the rules of engagement for how you "fight" with someone you care about is ultimately much more important than trying to never have a disagreement.

If you care about someone, then consider adopting these 10 rules as part of the way you communicate with them when you are trying to resolve a conflict:

Rule #1: Don't yell. 
Adding emotion clouds the clarity of what actually happened. If the other person is yelling, it becomes especially important that you don't raise your voice so as to prevent a natural escalation of competing interests.

Rule #2: Always start and end the conversation by affirming that you care about the other person. 
In the midst of a disagreement, you can never underestimate the power and importance of reminding the other person that you care about them and believe in them.

Rule #3: Be open to the idea that you made a mistake even if you are sure you did not.
People rarely get upset for no reason, so there is a good chance that there is at least a kernel of truth to what they are saying.

Rule #4: Don't speak in generalities of another person's behavior; speak only to direct examples and instances of action. 
It's hard for anyone to own up to a generalization and so you'll likely just see his or her defensiveness activate. By isolating an instance of fact, everyone can quickly see where he or she was right and wrong.

Rule #5: Always work to be the first to apologize when any dispute arises.
Although the idea of waiting for the other person to apologize first seems vindicating, it's actually a guaranteed sign of how you care more about being right than in coming to a reconciliation.

Rule #6: Focus on trying to discover what's right, not who is right. 
When thinking about what happened, try to remove yourself from the situation and evaluate right and wrong based solely on the actions that took place regardless of which side you're on. Treat it as if you are refereeing someone else's game.

Rule #7: Do not cuss. 
Exaggerated language is often proof of an exaggerated understanding of what actually happened. If you swear, the other party is likely to only hear the expletives and will stop listening for any validity in what you're saying.

Rule 8: No name-calling. 
Belittling a person always shifts the focus off of resolving the actual problem. Verbal abuse is never welcome to a conflict resolution party.

Rule #9: Remind yourself the other person also cares about reconciling the relationship. 
One of the fundamental causes of many disagreements is feeling hurt that the other person is no longer considering your perspective, but if they didn't care about a resolution with you they wouldn't be fighting for one.

Rule #10: Remind yourself to never expect the other person to fill a hole in your life that only God can fill. 
Sometimes we fall into the trap of placing improper expectations on other people because we are hoping for them to satisfy a need in our life that they are not really capable of satisfying.

If we are fighting with someone, it means we both care about finding the best course of action and we both care about preserving the relationship. If we didn't care about one another, then we would just ignore each other and leave.

The reason these 10 rules are important is because as long as they are in place, then no disagreement or conflict will ever shake the critical bedrock of knowing that the other person cares about you. As long as we know the other person cares about us, it will give us a common ground to work from as we try to unite two seemingly conflicted views.

For more by Rory Vaden, click here.

For more on emotional intelligence, click here.

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Sacred Love

Sacred Love Connects Us All The Web of Love is an energetic web which connects the sacred essence of all beings in ou

Sacred Love Connects Us All The Web of Love is an energetic web which connects the sacred essence of all beings in our world.

READ MORE: Sacred Love (From Web of Love.org)

Peter Russell on Paradigm Shift (VIDEO)

Peter Russell on Paradigm Shift

"How the Ayn Rand-Loving Right Is Like a Bunch of Teen Boys Gone Crazy" ~ Sara Robinson/Alternet

Flowers are nice, but this Mother's Day, what I really want is for these immature boys to grow up already.........


CONTINUE READING: http://www.alternet.org/teaparty/155393/how_the_ayn_rand-loving_right_is_like_a_bunch_of_teen_boys_gone_crazy/

May 11, 2012  |  

Photo Credit: ShutterStock.com

  

"My Mother, Myself" ~ Terri Apter, Ph.D/Psychology Today

Mother, Damned-est

Most people think their mom was difficult, but some mothers put their children in a bind that actually warps their development.

By Terri Apter, Ph.D., published on January 01, 2010 - last reviewed on May 02, 2012

Who has a difficult mother?

I pose the question to a group of teenage girls, who raise their hands high. Grown women, too, nod knowingly, while adding, "I hope I don't turn out to be like her."

Teenage boys and men are, of course, less absorbed with wondering how to be different from Mom. Nonetheless, their highly charged love and empathy with her can make them uneasy about regulating closeness and distance.

In a sense, difficult mothers are the norm. Our need for a mother's attention, appreciation, and understanding is great; our expectations are high. We tend to be critical of responses that are not precisely what we hope for. Her shortcomings—the endless reminders to be careful; her compulsive checking-up whether you have your keys as you head out the door, when you forgot them only once, two years ago; her inability to read an instruction manual—irritate and embarrass us, because we retain our idealization of the powerful nurturer of infancy.............

READ MORE: http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201204/my-mother-myself/mother-damned-est

"Mitt, the prep-school sadist" ~ Joan Walsh / Salon

His attacks on gay students and disabled teachers reveal a preppy, entitled cruelty. Not remembering makes it worse...........

READ MORE: Mitt, the prep-school sadist

Obama Winning Investors by 49%-38% Against Romney in Poll~ Mike Dorning/Bloomberg

By Mike Dorning - May 10, 2012

Global investors increasingly prefer President Barack Obama to Republican challenger Mitt Romney and most say they believe the incumbent will remain in the White House for another four years.

Asked who would be the better leader for the global economy, 49 percent favor Obama against 38 percent for Romney, according to a quarterly Bloomberg Global Poll. In January, the two candidates tied on the question.

By the same margin, they say Obama has a better vision for the U.S. economy, according to the survey of 1,253 Bloomberg customers, who are investors, analysts or traders.

Obama “managed the U.S. economy pretty well, solving a lot of imbalances created by the previous administration,” says poll respondent Mario Di Marcantonio, 35, a senior portfolio manager at Eurizon Capital in Milan.

“I believe the second Obama term will be better than having a U-turn with Romney,” he says. “More stability will mean more visibility and more investment in the future.”

The American presidential election is dividing foreign investors and those based in the U.S., where Romney is favored across the board. U.S. investors choose the Republican candidate as best for the global economy by more than 2-to-1. Respondents outside the U.S. prefer Democrat Obama by almost 3-to-1 in the poll, conducted May 8.

Anti-Regulation

Even with global sentiment against Romney, Republican criticism of new financial-industry regulations that Obama has backed resonates, with 54 percent of poll respondents saying the rules have caused job losses.

Still, Obama’s popularity with global investors is the highest in two and a half years, at a time when political incumbents across the Atlantic, including French President Nicolas Sarkozy, are being turned out of office.

The U.S. president is viewed favorably by 56 percent of global investors and unfavorably by 40 percent.

Investors have turned more negative on Romney during the Republican primary campaign, giving him the highest unfavorable reading in the year that respondents have been asked their opinion of the former Massachusetts governor.

The onetime private-equity executive is viewed favorably by 40 percent and unfavorably by 46 percent. In May 2011, he was seen favorably by 25 percent and unfavorably by 28 percent.

Debt-Ceiling Fallout

Doyle Gustus, president and chief investment officer of Cornerstone Select Advisors LLC in St. Louis, cited Romney’s support for congressional Republicans’ “destructive” resistance to raising the U.S. debt ceiling last year.

“It was not necessary to have that debate at a time when the economy was struggling and it raises a serious question about the party’s ability to lead on economic matters,” Gustus said. “Since Romney has followed the party’s positions completely, for me, his leadership is in serious question.”

Even among U.S. investors, Obama’s standing has risen during the past four months. Thirty-one percent have a favorable opinion of the president against 27 percent in January. Seventy percent of non-U.S. respondents have a favorable view of the president, up from 65 percent in January.

Poll respondents hardly fit the demographic profile of typical Obama supporters. Almost 80 percent describe themselves as politically right of center or centrists. Ninety-five percent are men. Two out of five of those who disclosed their net worth are millionaires.

Betting on Re-Election

Investors in every region are betting on an Obama re- election. Seventy-four percent say he will either certainly or probably win another term, about the same as in January.

Investors in Obama’s America have been rewarded. The U.S. stock market’s benchmark Standard & Poor’s 500 (SPX) Index climbed about 8 percent this year and is up 60 percent since Obama took office.

Respondents are now more willing to credit Obama for improvements in the U.S. economy. Forty-seven percent say he deserves credit, the same portion as says he doesn’t. In January, 43 percent attributed improvement to him against 49 percent who didn’t.

They also see another Obama term as favorable to U.S. markets, with 48 percent saying the president’s re-election would be a “good thing” for domestic markets compared with 36 percent who predict it would be detrimental. In January, only 44 percent saw another Obama term as favorable for U.S. markets and last December 38 percent thought so.

Not Caving In

“President Obama hasn’t caved in to the arguments in favor of austerity and deserves some credit for this,” says Brandon Fitzpatrick, 34, a poll respondent and equity portfolio manager at DB Fitzpatrick in Boise, Idaho. “Given the still-weak economy, we need continued stimulus, both fiscal and monetary.”

Asked which candidate has laid out a better vision for the U.S. economic future, 45 percent chose Obama and 34 percent Romney. Another 21 percent had no idea.

As with other measures of Obama, U.S. investors diverge with their counterparts in other countries. U.S.-based investors favor Romney’s economic vision 61 percent to 26 percent; investors based in other countries favor Obama’s vision 55 percent to 19 percent.

“The Democrats have fallen into the belief that if one has made a lot of money, it must be by taking other people’s share of a fixed supply of wealth,” says Bruce Lawrence, 62, a macro strategist at Infinium Capital Management in Chicago. “I believe and hope Romney believes the supply of wealth in the world is not fixed and can be grown.”

Millionaires Negative

Within the U.S., millionaires have a more negative view of Obama than investors with a lower personal net worth. Seventy- four percent of U.S. millionaires have an unfavorable view of Obama versus 60 percent of less wealthy U.S. investors.

Romney is viewed favorably by 68 percent of U.S. millionaires versus 55 percent of less wealthy U.S. investors

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, who has been exhorting European leaders to take stronger action on the region’s debt crisis, has gained popularity among poll respondents. Fifty-one percent view him positively against 38 percent negatively; a year ago, they divided almost evenly.

Members of Congress from both political parties are held in low esteem. Just 31 percent of global respondents give the Democrats a favorable rating, compared with 55 percent who view them negatively. Republicans do even worse: 26 percent view them favorably, compared with 60 percent who have a negative view.

U.S. and European respondents believe the financial system remains vulnerable in a crisis. Asked if systemic risk in the banking system has been sufficiently addressed by requlators in their own country, 53 percent of U.S. respondents said it hasn’t, as did the same portion of Europeans. Only 41 percent of Asia respondents said their regulators haven’t addressed systemic risk.

The Bloomberg Global Poll was conducted by Selzer & Co., a Des Moines, Iowa-based firm. It has a margin of error of plus or minus 2.8 percentage points.

To contact the reporter on this story: Mike Dorning in Washington at mdorning@bloomberg.net.

To contact the editor responsible for this story: Steven Komarow at skomarow1@bloomberg.net