Therapeutic Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy) Defined

by Jack Elias, CHT


     Conscious, subconscious, unconscious. These concepts pervade our culture, and we freely use them in talking about ourselves. To the degree that we do this without having contemplated the meaning of these terms in the context of personal experience, or to the degree that we haven’t determined the usefulness of labeling various kinds of experience with these terms, we really don’t know what we are talking about. We are merely engaged in hypnotizing ourselves by the very familiar process of sloganeering.
     For example, the political slogan, “America! Home of the free!” has no specific, universal meaning, but can trigger strong emotional responses of varying kinds depending on the audience. Likewise, a phrase such as, “I know this problem is in my subconscious but I can’t get at it,” gives a person a false sense of knowledge that is really a state of confusion (i.e., a hypnotic state). The idea itself creates the dilemma.
Here’s one we all can identify with: “I know that intellectually, but I can’t stop…”. The phrase, “I know intellectually” is one of the most common supports of ongoing trance. Its most important characteristic is that it short-circuits the possibility of accessing or maintaining an awake state of openness, while affording a bit of comfort in seemingly knowing something. What “I know intellectually” usually means is not that we know something at all. (Knowing it would mean that it is alive within us, an actively available resource capable of facilitating change.) Rather, saying “I know it intellectually” indicates nothing more than our ability to pronounce the words, saying them over and over in our head like a lullaby, with little or no effect on our awareness.
     I point this out in order to alert you, especially while you are a student, not to settle for this false kind of “learning.” It is what most of us are conditioned (hypnotized) to do. Bearing that in mind, here are a few of the definitions that successful, highly recognized hypnotists have applied to hypnosis:
     “Hypnosis is the use of suggestion, whether direct or indirect, to induce a heightened state of suggestibility in which there is bypass of the critical faculty of the mind, and selective attention to suggestions given.”
—Dave Elman
“Hypnosis is a state of awareness dominated by the subconscious mind.”
—Michael Preston, M.D.
“Hypnosis is a ’shrinking of the focus of attention.”
—Milton Erickson
     Can any useful sense be made of these statements? What is “the use of suggestion…to heighten suggestion”? What is “the bypass of the critical faculty”? And how can “a state of awareness” be “dominated by the subconscious mind”?
     What are these expert hypnotists attempting to describe? Can you relate the terms they are using to your personal experience? First, it is helpful to recognize that such labeling, which we have all been trained (hypnotized) to do, dissociates us from the experience we are labeling and creates subtle and not-so-subtle limitations.
     It is important to note the difference between labeling, which diminishes interest and awareness in ongoing phenomena, and descriptive activity, which keeps us engaged with the phenomena. When descriptive interest is reduced to labeling, something alive and vital is lost in the process. The ability to label is, nevertheless, valuable when used appropriately. Labeling is inappropriate in the learning process when it does no more than satisfy the urge to say, “I know that intellectually.” Because no sooner do we say it, than we have put ourselves into trance, and are living in the box created by our words.
     We all do it. In fact, this tendency lies at the root of all our worldly difficulties, personal and political, social and cultural. For once we have created a label, a conceptual box we can hold onto, we will grasp it and defend it, even in the face of irrefutable evidence to the contrary. It is easy to observe this everyday phenomenon in the prejudices and politics of our times, but have you ever thought about some of your own problems from this point of view? Take a moment now to remember being in the grip of some personal limitation — one of those times when you act and feel like a helpless two-year-old, despite the truth of your six-foot-two-hundred-pound-body-having-taken-care-of-yourself-daily-for-years experience. That’s hypnosis!
     The phenomena these men are trying to describe as hypnosis are marked by the same qualities that pervade our conscious functioning. There is no clear distinction between the two. Even the “critical faculty” is actually a trance state. From this perspective, it is not so important to create a neat label to apply to the phenomena, because that so easily leads to a lazy, and false, sense of knowledge. It is more challenging, and more helpful to the client, to develop and access more resourceful trance states that expand the client’s awareness of choice and power — to the point that, ultimately, they come into an awareness that is beyond trance states altogether.
Buddhism calls this the state of No-Mind. 
     In all trance states, the thinking mind is busy labeling and defining reality, whereas the No-Mind state allows the direct perception of reality without conceptual mediation. (That’s a euphemism for “distortion and interference.”) No-Mind is a state in which the heart/mind and the head/mind functions merge, releasing one’s true, clear intelligence. The mark of this union is one’s reliance on the spontaneous guidance of intuition, direct perception and recognition of identity between subject and object. This intuition of identity engenders an unwavering sense of spaciousness, luminosity, and love. It manifests in a person as the revived capacity to be moved by the beauty of a flower, to see the focus, love, and attention of the whole universe in the movement of a fly’s wings, and to care for the life of all beings as one’s own life.
     I define therapeutic hypnosis as taking hold of the mental functions we use every day to contract our focus and numb our sense of being (or to maintain the status quo of an already acceptable contracted state) and using those same functions to expand our awareness of being organically alive. Therapeutic hypnosis releases this mental contraction, the nature of which is fear, into an expansiveness, the nature of which is love. As with natural medicine, we distill the very poison that causes an illness in such a way that we produce its antidote.
     Using this as our working definition of hypnotherapy, there is no real or solid boundary between the conscious and the unconscious to get in the way. No borderline exists to stop our own mental processes, skillfully used, from destroying the hypnotic state that keeps us boxed up in the world of our words that prevents us from truly seeing the tree. If one understands this definition of therapeutic hypnosis, not as a label, but as a phenomenon being displayed by the mind, it becomes very delightful to do hypnotherapy. We do not have to be concerned about who can be hypnotized and who cannot be hypnotized. We need only develop the sensory acuity to notice how each person does it to themselves, how we do it to ourselves, and then make the kinds of adjustments that this course intends to teach.
     To do this kind of work, we as therapists must place primary emphasis on our own daily practice. We must cultivate greater and greater awareness of our own habitual states, of when these states are triggered and what triggers them. And we must notice these states in ourselves with a growing capacity for spacious, kind-hearted acceptance of their presence. Our daily practice must include some form of body-mind coordination through physical activity. It must also include a meditation or contemplation practice, to develop the capacity to detach from the hypnotic turmoil of subconscious thoughts and feelings — the constant “internal gossip” that we all generally accept as a given and therefore rarely challenge in ourselves.

Hypnosis vs. Hypnotherapy

What is the difference between hypnosis and hypnotherapy?
     First of all, it helps to understand that the subconscious mind is like a machine in some respects. Using the techniques of hypnosis, you can deliver an instruction to your subconscious such as “Don’t smoke,” and for a time you will stop smoking. However, we’re not just machines: we’re living beings motivated by needs. Bad habits are “bad” simply because they don’t really meet the need they’re trying to meet. If you give your mind a hypnotic suggestion to stop a bad habit, you may succeed in stopping that behavior for a time, but the pressure of the unanswered need will eventually bring that bad habit back, or create another, equally troublesome problem to take its place.
     Hypnotherapy combines the power of hypnosis and hypnotic suggestion with therapeutic understanding. Hypnotherapy helps you connect with your genuine need and design an effective strategy to fulfill that need. Your bad habit or life problem is like a dandelion in your yard. Trying to solve it with hypnosis is like pulling off the top of the weed and leaving its roots in the ground. For a time, you won’t see a dandelion in that spot on your lawn, but as the rain falls and the sun shines, that dandelion will grow back. Hypnotherapy is like digging out the weed by its root so that it will never grow back again.

"Soul Groups.....Soul Families"

(To hear this video adequately, scroll down to the bottom of the site, and turn off the music player.)

"You May Be in An Abusive Relationship, If....." - Madelaine Watson, MSW, CIM's MySpace Blog |

"You May Be in An Abusive Relationship, If....." - Madelaine Watson, MSW, CIM's MySpace Blog |

The Wounded Healer

Last year, Humanities Healing, a group to which I belong, sent me this video which is also on YouTube. Long before I entered graduate school, as I breathed in the various ways of assisting people through this life, I attached myself to the Humanist and Spiritual Psychology schools of thought.  In the beginning of that journey, I needed so much more than simple modalities of therapy.  There were many personal epiphanies, but none lead me to my heart as a healer than did the sense of "Wounded Healer".  A common theme, this is written about in classics, and is such a perfect fit for the heart of the healer who wants to guide a personal journey, not because of what he or she knows, but because they have been blessed with a life which has experienced much which has had to be spiritually and emotionally transcended.
       This immolation...this carving out....does nothing if it does not inspire personal depth, compassion, understanding, and appreciation and joy for every moment in which we live.  Their has never been a patient or client whom I did not love, in the sense of human agape love.  To be sure, we have irritated each other in one way or another, but that abiding unconditional positive regard to be a therapist who is allowed to be present on another's road of discovery, pain, joy, adaptations, love, family, work, play.....well, it is the most precious gift one can imagine.  I see this time as a sacred gift...bringing me to my own sacred....to then share again.  The teachings and gifts one receives in my field are almost ineffable....and always received with a profound sense of gratitude.
     This video speaks to that known phrase of "wounded healer"...the phrase that, in itself, reminds us Creator works through us...in every moment of that therapeutic alliance.

(To listen, scroll down to the music player, and turn it off during this presentation.)

Sacred Contracts

Have you ever wondered what your mission in life is supposed to be?

You probably know people who seem to have had their entire life mapped out from the day they were born. You may have envied their sure sense of what they were born to do -- their work, career, marriage, and personal goals.

And yet you have probably also wondered whether that was really all there was to it. So have I. The answer I found is that there's much more involved. I believe that each of us is guided by a Sacred Contract that our soul made before we were born. That Contract contains a wide range of agreements regarding all that we are intended to learn in this life. It comprises not merely what kind of work we do but also our key relationships with the people who are to help us learn the lessons we have agreed to work on. Each of those relationships represents an individual Contract that is part of your overall Sacred Contract, and may require you to be in a certain place at a certain time to be with that person.

This doesn't mean, of course, that free will plays no role in your Sacred Contract. At any given moment -- or "choice point" -- your Contract may provide you with an opportunity for growth. It can come in the form of a challenge at work, the dissolution of an old relationship or the formation of a new one. As you work with my book "Sacred Contracts," you will keep notes on each of the significant Contracts in your life. I recommend that you keep a notebook or journal for just this purpose. (I've designed a Journal of Inner Dialogue to help you organize all the information you'll accumulate as you review the key relationships in your past and present by answering the many questions in my book.)

Your Contract is made up of all these components of your life, yet it can't be reduced to any one of them by itself. One way of viewing your Contract is as your overall relationship to your personal power and spiritual power. It determines how you work with your energy and to whom you give it. Finding and fulfilling your Sacred Contract also depends on how much you are willing to surrender to divine guidance.

The Basis of Sacred Contracts

I believe that we each agree to the terms of our Contract before entering the physical realm of this world. This applies whether you accept the concept of reincarnation, or believe in a single lifetime followed by heaven or hell -- or neither. I go into the background for my beliefs in much greater detail in "Sacred Contracts", but one fascinating parallel occurs in the writings of Plato. In the tenth and final book of his great work The Republic, Plato relates the Myth of Er.

In brief, the story concerns a Greek soldier named Er who is left for dead on the battlefield. Twelve days later he awakens on his own funeral pyre, and later tells a remarkable tale of what he observed while he was suspended between life and death. Er found himself in a kind of way station between heaven and earth where souls were passing from one plane to the other. Dead souls were waiting to be judged and assigned to their reward or punishment, while other souls prepared for their journey to earth. Some were old souls returning for another go-round; others were freshly minted and awaiting their first life on Earth.

At one point the waiting souls are presented with many possible life scenarios, and are advised to choose from these "samples of lives." Plato informs us that "there were many more lives than the souls present, and they were of all sorts. There were lives of every animal and of man in every condition," including tyrants.

Before entering life on the Earth plane, however, the souls were led to the plain of Forgetfulness, a barren waste with no vegetation, where they were required to drink from the river of Unmindfulness. They then promptly forgot everything that had just happened to them. The reason should be obvious: if you know in advance exactly what's going to happen in your life, you would have great difficulty making decisions or taking actions that are intended to teach you something, often through painful experiences. You might naturally be reluctant to begin a relationship with someone who you knew would hurt you, even though you needed to learn a valuable lesson from that person.

Whether we take this myth literally or simply as a teaching device of Plato's, we can use it to gain a higher perspective on our life. If you think of your life's direction as something to which you have agreed, then what formerly seemed like arbitrary or even absurd conditions can be seen in another light. They are part of the roadmap that you've agreed to follow. Each event, each person of any significance whom you encounter, has an agreed-on role in your learning experience. Sometimes the learning is difficult because you don't always surrender to the situation. It may take time for you to see the reasons for it. But the sooner you do, the less painful it becomes. In time, you can learn to accept each event as it happens without struggling against it and prolonging your psychic -- and physical -- suffering. To have a serious illness or injury is difficult enough; seeing it as a punishment or the cruel caprice of fate only makes it harder to bear. The resulting stress will probably also make it worse, and you will take longer to heal or recover.

     Naturally, you can't be expected to see everything immediately, or in advance. But if you have a way of looking at the symbolic meaning of your experiences, you will be better prepared to accept the inevitable changes to your life. Fighting change builds up emotional scar tissue. Surrendering to divine will allows you to accept the changes, and get on with your life.To help you understand and fulfill the terms of your Sacred Contract, you have been encoded with a set of 12 primary archetypes. Four of these are universal archetypes of survival: theChild, Victim, Prostitute, and Saboteur. The other eight are drawn from the vast storehouse of archetypes dating back to the dawn of human history. "Sacred Contracts" shows you how to determine the identity of your eight personal archetypes from a comprehensive Gallery of Archetypes in the Appendix.

If you do not yet have the book, you can gather more information on the role of archetypes in your Sacred Contract by clicking on that link above.

by Carolyn Myss

Detachment, not Abandonment

     Detachment is an inner state of calmness and being uninvolved on the emotional and mental planes. It is definitely not indifference. People who are indifferent do not care about anything, and are not active and initiative. On the other hand, people who possess emotional and mental detachment can be very active and caring, though they accept calmly whatever happens. Such people accept the good and the bad equally, because they enjoy inner balance and peace.

     If they cannot do or change something, it does not disturb their peace of mind. If they are convinced of the importance of some action, they will pursue it whole-heartedly, and can ignore distractions easily. If they succeed with what they do, that is fine, and if they don't, they will either try again or forget the matter and move to something else.

     Count the number of times you got emotionally involved in something against your will and better judgment. How many times have you got angry, frustrated or disappointed? How many times have your moods swung high and low? Each time you tell yourself that next time you will stay cool and calm, and yet each time you forget what you said.

     When it comes to personal affairs, it is hard to stay emotionally uninvolved. You get involved, and this is quite natural, otherwise life would have been boring. Involvement makes life ticking and active. Yet, it advisable to develop at least some detachment, as this will help you in many situations.

     Detachment is important in daily life, in the pursuit of ambitions and on the spiritual path. It is of great importance to everyone, whether pursuing spirituality or material success. Every spiritual tradition speaks about detachment, but detachment cannot be confined only to spirituality.

     Let me give you some examples of detachment. Suppose you meditate, but thoughts keep coming into your mind. You get emotionally involved with your thoughts, follow them and forget about your meditation and concentration. If you were able to manifest detachment it would have been easier to ignore the disturbing thoughts.          Detachment would have helped you to stay collected and concentrated.

What happens when somebody says to you something that you do not like? You will probably become angry, unhappy or insulted. Why is this so? Because you value other's people words and opinions more than you value your own thoughts and opinions of yourself. You let other's people thoughts, words and actions influence your happiness, actions and reactions. Your happiness and actions depend on them.

     On the other hand, if you are able to stay detached, you will not be disturbed. You will stay calm. You will even be able to benefit from what they say. You will not waste hours thinking about their words.

Have you ever thought how much time and energy is wasted every day brooding on useless thoughts and feelings because of the lack of detachment? Much of the anger, frustration, unhappiness, disappointments and fights are due to lack of detachment.

     One of the ways to develop detachment is through meditation. It is a gradual and automatic process. In meditation one endeavors not to follow the thoughts and feelings that rise. It is a time of a mental and emotional vacation. Meditating day after day develops the habit of staying cool and calm, not only during meditation, but also in all daily life.

     If you practice any kind of meditation, sooner or later you will start to experience detachment. You will find that you feel and behave in a different way under circumstances that previously raised anger or agitation. You will find that you handle your daily affairs of life in a calm and relaxed way.

     Real detachment means inner strength, and the ability to function calmly and with full inner control under all circumstances. A detached person is not harassed and hurried, and can do everything with concentration and attention, thus insuring a successful outcome of his actions.

How to love and parent an "old soul"

A mother of seven uses a method called, “show, remind and tell” to raise a child who is an ‘old soul’

GUEST COLUMN: DR. CHRISTINE JAX-CASTILLO — If you are a parent, you probably question if you are doing all that you can to ensure that your children find their own spiritual paths, and reach their full potential.  You wonder how you can help your children progress on their spiritual journeys, while encouraging them to follow your rules.

How can you can teach them right from wrong, while teaching them to see the good in all things?  How can you keep them safe, while relaying to them that fear is an illusion of the ego?

Now people are claiming that their children are “indigo” children or“old soul” children, and you wonder . . . are yours?

Because of your spiritual evolution and path, it is most likely that all your children, born or adopted, are “old soul” children.  But remember, we are all special and all have a reason for being on this planet at this time: we are each here for individual spiritual growthand to inspire further growth in others, and, if you are a parent, you have agreed to juggle both.  In the case of rearing an “old soul” child, you have agreed to expedite their spiritual development for their benefit, as well as for the benefit of humanity, as the children who are traveling this path have agreed to do so.

Common traits of “old soul” children

• Develop faster emotionally and intellectually than other children, yet may struggle in school due to constrictions on their creativity and critical thinking abilities
• Understand and demand justice long before such development is typically seen in children
• Demonstrate a global perspective and ask about people not like themselves
• Articulate a sense of charity and service; they want to help others
• Remember past lives
• Question the authority of adults and leaders, and demand respect for themselves
• Possess one or more “paranormal abilities:” ie. may see or communicate with non-physical beings such as angels, spirits, and ghosts; heal by touch; remember past lives; share mutual dreams with others; predict future events; sense when something is wrong; view remotely; experience astral projection
• Have a deep interest in religion or spiritual practices
• Communicate easily and actively with their guides, even if they have yet to identify what gives them knowledge about things

How to be a model parent for an “old soul” child

To raise an “old soul” child you need to model (show proper behavior), induct (bring out of the child what he or she already knows), and instruct (provide new information).  I refer to this as “show, remind, tell.”

Show your children how to be good citizens and stewards of the earth, and be mindful that they are going to emulate much of your behavior.  Also keep in mind that they will quickly recognize hypocrisy and just as quickly lose respect for you.   Do your best to walk your talk. This means not using physical force, coercion, insults or shaming to get what you want, including proper behavior, from your child.

I always tell people, “If you wouldn’t do or say something to or in front of your boss, don’t do or say it to or in front of your children.”

You can model empathy by speaking your thoughts out loud: “I guess I should pick-up this box I dropped.  It wouldn’t be nice to leave more work for the grocer.”  Show grace in how you admit mistakes and don’t blame others.  Find the good in all situations and in all people. When you are struggling with something someone has done, talk out loud to your child about how you are trying to understand their decisions without judging them.

Remember to teach love to all children

Remind your children of who they are and where they come from.  Let them know everything is made out of the same energy, love, which makes all people equal and everything worthy of care and respect.  Remind them that happiness is our right, and that it is found only in the moment because the past and present do not concurrently exist.

Help them remember that preparation for the next moment takes knowledge, good work, honesty, and faith; they will see whatever they believe and expect.  Discuss with them how forgiveness is essential for personal growth and happiness; peace can only exist if there is forgiveness. It may help to develop meditative and spiritual practices with them as part of your lifestyle.

Tell them every day that you love them, and tell them regularly that you are proud of them and amazed by them.   Let them develop with you the household rules and the consequences for breaking those rules.  Make sure they understand why there are rules, and be consistent and calm when you enforce those rules and enact punishment.  Give them opportunities to care for other people and to care for the earth.   Tell your children to follow their dreams, and then give them space and advice for how to do so.  Allow them to fulfill their dreams for themselves, not yourdreams for them.

Introduce your children to many different spiritual practices, including yours, but let them choose what is comfortable for them.  Let them experience chanting, drumming, walking a labyrinth, sitting silently with incense — experiment.  Point out to your children all that you have learned from other people and how much is achieved when people work together.  Explain that there are multiple perspectives of, and reactions to, any situation.

Create a life for yourself beyond parenting so you can allow and encourage your child to grow beyond you, your beliefs, and your needs, but always, always be your child’s biggest fan.

Dr. Christine Jax-Castillo has a B.A. in Child Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Education.  She is an author and international spiritual coach, consultant and speaker. She and her husband have seven children, ages 7 – 25, and they reside in West Palm Beach, Florida.

(Angel photo by Cyndi Ingle.)

"Another Look At Reincarnation"

by Cara Newman

     Reincarnation is a commonly known belief regardless of its acceptance as one’s personal dogma. Due to the new age movement in the mid to late twentieth century, as well as the blossoming of many Eastern religions in the West, this ancient Eastern doctrine has truly gained strong recognition and popularity in the contemporary world.
     Even though as strongly as many fundamental Christians might argue against reincarnation otherwise, one might be surprised to find that the similar teaching of personal responsibility and its effects such as “reap what you sow” in Christianity. From the Bible, Galatians VI (King James Version), it states “Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” After all, perhaps the core teaching of reincarnation is not just a belief system of the East, it is embedded in the center of human civilization and the longing for an eternal life.
     Unfortunately, reincarnation is widely misunderstood as only a belief system of the afterlife. Yes, a “component” of the teaching on reincarnation speaks of the return of another lifetime. However, its core focuses on our personal choices of the life “right now”.
     What happens after death has been a long debated subject and will continue to be so for as long as the human existence. This great unknown brings many fears as well as enormous hopes. The question is: Why are we so eager to know about the afterlife? Some of us pray that we go to Heaven after we die, while many others believe that if life is lived well this time, one might be allowed to return to the physical world and learn many more spiritual lessons under much better circumstances in future lifetimes. However, if we take a critical look at both belief systems, there is an unspoken acceptance of that “one’s choices and actions have immense effects on his or her future, this life, the afterlife, or for some, another lifetime.”
     Regardless of the acceptance of reincarnation as a personal doctrine, one cannot take on the responsibilities of our lives lightly. All of us have choices in life. However, choice brings responsibilities and consequences. It is the beauty of free will.
     In hope, in the vast opportunities of life, we aspire to choose well, live well, and leave all those around us a better place. When we depart, will we come back for another round called “life”? We will only one day realize…

The American Psyche: Tipping Toward Solitude?

By Bella DePaulo, Ph.D.

     I live in the most ordinary American household - I live alone. Knock on any door in the nation and you are more likely to find a household like mine than a household with mom, dad, and the kids, or a household with a married couple and no kids, or a single-parent household, or any other kind.

     There has been a tremendous surge in the number of single-person households, and a decline in the number of married-with-kids households. This is not a fad - it is a decades-long demographic juggernaut. It has many pundits and prognosticators plenty worried.

One of their fears is that we may be on the cusp of an epidemic of loneliness. Interventions, they say, may be in order. Some even present statistics in support of the link between living alone and feeling lonely. Not bogus statistics but real ones. For example, a recent report about the well-being of older people noted that 17% of older people living alone say that they are often lonely  compared to only 2% of those living with others.

     That's a meaningful difference. I do believe that some older people are isolated, lonely, and depressed (though not as many as our stereotypes would lead us to believe). Their problems should be taken seriously. But let's not make a pathology out of a preference.

     Think again about the statistic that 17% of older people living alone report that they often feel lonely. What strikes me about this finding is that 83% of older people living alone do NOT often feel lonely. Remember that they are old, some may have health problems that limit their mobility, others may have close friends and family who have died, and they are living without anyone under the same roof readily available for small talk or interesting excursions. Yet 83% say that they are not often lonely.

     When I was writing Singled Out, I read voraciously about demographic patterns (such as the increase in 1-person households) and about loneliness, and thought a lot about my own life. I live alone and I am almost never lonely. I am also rarely bored. Then I realized something that seemed startling at first: During those atypical times when I am bored, I am almost always with other people. I'm never bored when I'm alone.

     I don't consider myself an introvert. I love to socialize (with people who do not bore me), I love the visits (time-limited) from friends and family who come to catch up with me and soak up the sun from my deck, and I love to entertain. But I also cherish my solitude.

     Introverts and loners: They are not apologizing anymore! Jonathan Rauch does consider himself an introvert. In 2003, he wrote an essay for the Atlantic magazine that began like this:

     Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day?  Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at wasting time on small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

     If so, do you tell this person he is 'too serious,' or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

     If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands - and that you aren't caring for him properly. Rauch, a prolific writer, got more enthusiastic responses to that essay than to anything else he had ever written. Three years later, the Atlantic reported that readers were still clicking their approval: Online, no other piece had drawn more traffic than Rauch's "Caring for Your Introvert." The same year that Rauch's essay appeared, the witty and wonderful Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto was also published. Loners, notes author Anneli Rufus, are people who prefer to be alone. They are not sad, lonely, or deranged.

     Contrary to stereotypes and TV-punditry, loners are not serial murderers and they are not school shooters, either. True, there are criminals who look like loners, in that they spend lots of time alone. Typically, though, they are just pseudo-loners, who never craved all that time to themselves. They wanted to be included but were instead rejected.

True loners do not withdraw in order to stew in misery or plot violent revenge. Instead, Rufus reminds us, loners "know better than anyone how to entertain themselves...They have a knack for imagination, concentration, inner discipline, and invention." They are confident with the creativity of their minds.

     Not all introverts or loners live alone. Their experiences, though, should give pause to those whose thoughts leap to loneliness when imagining the experiences of solo-dwellers, and to those who are tempted to swoop in with their interventions to rescue people who may be perfectly content exactly as they are.

Togetherness can also breed loneliness

The same report that underscored a link between living alone and feeling lonely also implicated divorce in the mix. As one headline put it, "Easy divorce has left elderly lonely and depressed." The logic is that people who are divorced, and who also feel lonely, are lonely because they are divorced. Probably a good number really are.

     The reverse sequence, though, should not be discounted. Some people divorce because they are lonely in their marriages. In the anthology, Women on Divorce, several contributors described such experiences. Ann Hood, for example, said, "I wanted my old pre-marriage back...I remembered how at night I used to sleep well. How being alone felt fine because there was no one down the hall not talking to me." Daphne Merkin added, "I, for instance, married a man who left me feeling lonely not because he wasn't home but because he was."

     Preferences for togetherness can change over the course of your life.  When I arrived at my first academic job at the age of 26, I considered it my great good fortune to have colleagues who wanted to go out to lunch every day. Now, 28 years later, if I had to go out to lunch every day - even with people I really like - I would go stark raving mad.

     Early theorists of aging believed that with age came isolation. Some thought that older people were socially marginalized by a society preoccupied with youth. Others believed that older people wanted to withdraw from society, so they isolated themselves on purpose.

     Then along came Laura Carstensen and her colleagues, who actually studied the social interaction preferences of people of different ages. Carstensen found that older people socialize more selectively.They still spend time with the people to whom they feel closest. They don't bother as much, though, with people they do not know so well, or with people who annoy them. That's by choice.

Tipping toward solitude

If there is such a thing as a national psyche, then I think the American version is showing signs of change. Think of trends such as the growing number of people who live alone, the growing preference for working from home, the increasing inclination for families (who have the means to do so) to give their kids rooms of their own, and the preference for older people to live independently as long as possible (instead of moving in with other family members, as they once did). There are many possible reasons for each of these trends, but perhaps at least some of the people in each of the categories have one thing in common: They like their time alone.

     In all of our lives, we negotiate a balance between the time we spend with others and the time we spend alone. There are, and always will be, big individual differences. Some love the constant give-and-take of the company of other people, and others prefer more alone time.

     Of course, humans are social beings. Meaningful relationships with other people, and time spent with others, will always be important. Still, if there were a national average of the solitude-sociability balance, and if that average were computed over time, I bet it would show that the American scales are tipping toward solitude.

"Living While Dying"

 

By T. Byram Karasu, M.D.

"And I who have been Virgin and Aphrodite,

The mourning Isis and the queen of corn

Wait for the last mummer, dread Persephone

To dance my dust at last into the tomb."

-Kathleen Raine

     If we do not allow the malignant fear of death to pervade our minds, we will instinctively extract every sweetness out of life, even at the moment of actual dying. Timothy Miller's book How to Want What You Have tells the story of a man who, in traveling across a field in the jungle, encountered a tiger. When he tried to flee, the tiger ran after him. When the frightened man came to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. As the tiger sniffed at him from above, the trembling man looked down to where, far below, a second tiger was waiting to attack him. He had only the vine to sustain him. Suddenly, he noticed a luscious strawberry growing on a branch near him. He grasped the vine with one hand and vigorously plucked the strawberry with the other. It tasted especially sweet.

     For a patient of mine this story sounded totally absurd. "What difference would it make to taste the sweetness of a strawberry while you are about to plunge into your death? It is like asking a dead man walking what he would like to have as his last meal. I would ask for nothing! Well, maybe a wild mushroom omelette. What is a few more minutes, hours, or even days?" Because he couldn't live forever, he wasn't appreciating the moment. But eternity is made of moments. I dared to repeat the story told by Prince Myshkin, based on the Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevski's own experience:

     This man had once been led out with the others to the scaffold. And a sentence of death was read over him.  Twenty minute later a reprieve was read to them, and they were condemned to another punishment instead. Yet the interval between those two sentences, twenty minutes or at least a quarter of an hour, he passed in the fullest conviction that he would die in a few minutes...

     He said that nothing was so dreadful at that time as the

continual thought, "What if I were not to die! What if I could go back to life-what eternity! And it would all be mine! I would turn every minute into an age; I would lose nothing, I would count every minute as it passed, I would not waste one!"

     The patient apparently knew the story; he was listening with a grin on his face. As soon as I finished he shouted, "But, my good doctor, the story doesn't end with Myshkin wishing to live forever. That fury of time actually got him to the point that he longed to be shot very quickly. You see, I don't long to die quickly or slowly. I want longevity, real physical longevity, not your psychological longevity."

     He missed the point of the story-the man wanted to die in order to capture permanently that exaltation of the moment before he was to die. The meaning of death is precisely its relation to the value of life. My patient was wasting his precious living time by his preoccupation with dying.

T. Byram Karasu, M.D. author of The Art of Serenity