"Parental Alienation Syndrome - The Parent/Child Disconnect"

Parental Alienation Syndrome — The Parent/Child Disconnect By Amy J. L. Baker, PhD Social Work Today Vol. 8 No. 6 P. 26 Divorce and separation can breed bad blood between parents and children when one partner uses the children to target the other partner. Among the many areas of concern for social workers working with divorced or separated couples with children are two related problems: parental alienation, or the efforts on the part of one parent to turn a child against the other parent, and parental alienation syndrome, or a child’s unwarranted rejection of one parent in response to the attitudes and actions of the other parent. Social workers may encounter these problems in a number of settings, such as family service agencies, schools, and family court, as well as in private practice working with high-conflict divorcing couples, parents who believe that the other parent has or will turn the children against them, alienated children refusing to see a parent, adults who are still alienated from a parent, or elders who have “lost” their children to parental alienation. While some social workers may be unaware of the name for this particular phenomenon, they have probably dealt with it over the course of their careers. For example, clients may enter individual therapy presenting with anxiety, depression, or relationship problems and later reveal that they have been cut off from one parent by another parent. These clients may be unaware of the meaning of the lost relationship and may even minimize its effect on their growth, development, and current mental health concerns. Children referred to a school social worker for acting out or experiencing academic problems may casually reveal that they have no contact with a “hated” parent. When questioned about the absent parent, these children may vehemently denounce the parent as “good riddance to bad rubbish.” The family of such a child may be maneuvering behind the scenes to exclude the other parent from the child’s school life by misrepresenting that parent’s intentions to school staff, withholding information from that parent to create the appearance of a lack of interest, and removing contact information from school records. A third scenario is represented by clients who enter therapy consumed with fear that the other parent is turning the children against them. Such parents will be desperate for advice and guidance about how to cope with the chronic provocation of the other parent. These parents live with anxiety, depression, and helplessness, as well as feelings of victimization by the other parent, the child, and myriad systems (legal, mental health, school) that are not always responsive to the needs of targeted parents. In all these cases, social workers may formulate a hypothesis that one parent has engineered the child’s rejection of the other parent. However, unless the social worker is familiar with parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome, he or she is missing a useful conceptual framework for understanding how one parent is able to poison a child’s relationship with the other parent in the absence of just cause. Parental alienation is a set of strategies that a parent uses to foster a child’s rejection of the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome develops in children who come to hate, fear, and reject the targeted parent as someone unworthy of having a relationship with them. Richard Gardner, PhD, who coined parental alienation syndrome, described in The Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Guide for Mental Health and Legal Professionals that there are eight behavioral components that have been validated in a survey of 68 targeted parents of severely alienated children (Baker & Darnall, 2007). Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome 1. A Campaign of Denigration. Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared. 2. Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true. 3. Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities. 4. The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision. 5. Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent  Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them. 6. Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict  Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children. 7. Presence of Borrowed Scenarios  Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail. 8. Rejection of Extended Family Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected. In a recent study (Baker & Darnall, 2007), targeted parents rated their children as experiencing these eight behavioral manifestations in a way that was generally consistent with Gardner’s theory. Parents reported that their children exhibited the eight behaviors with a high degree of frequency. One exception was alienated children being able to maintain a relationship with some members of the targeted parent’s extended family, which occurred in cases where that relative was actually aligned with the alienating parent. This suggests that the context of the contact with the targeted parent’s extended family (that relative’s role in the alienation) needs to be understood prior to concluding whether this component is present in the child. Study of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome Gardner identified parental alienation syndrome only 20 years ago. However, researchers and clinicians have been concerned about these cross-generational alliances for much longer. For example, divorce researchers such as Wallerstein and colleagues (2001) have noted that some children develop unhealthy alliances with one parent while rejecting the other. Family therapists have observed that, when a child is “taller” than a parent (i.e., able to look down on), it is usually because he or she is standing on the shoulders of the other parent (i.e., being supported by). Although this problem has long been of concern to mental health practitioners, little research has been conducted on the specific problem of children rejecting one parent due to the overt or covert influence of the other. In contrast to the dearth of research, demand for knowledge about parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome is overwhelming. There are several Web sites devoted to this problem, many of which receive tens of thousands of visits each year. The few books on divorce that discuss this problem are best sellers, and there are several Internet chat groups comprised of anxious parents who fear that the other parent of their child is turning their child against them. Saddest of all are the parents who have already lost their child to parental alienation syndrome and want to know whether they will ever get the child back. This is the question that guided the current study on parental alienation syndrome of adults who as children had been turned against one parent by their other parent (Baker, 2007). In order to participate in the study, the individuals needed to have been alienated from one parent as a child and had to believe that the alienation was at least in part due to the actions and attitudes of the other parent. Forty adults participated in in-depth, semistructured telephone interviews. A content analysis was conducted. Some of the major themes and research findings relevant to the work of social workers are the following: Findings Different Familial Contexts Parental alienation syndrome can occur in intact families, as well as divorced families, and can be fostered by fathers, mothers, and noncustodial and custodial parents. The prototypical case is a bitter ex-wife turning the children against the father in response to postdivorce custody litigation. That is one but not the only pattern. Mental health professionals should be aware that other familial contexts exist within which parental alienation syndrome can occur so as to avoid ruling out parental alienation syndrome as an explanation because the family context does not fit the prototype. Emotional, Physical, and Sexual Abuse Many of the interviewees revealed that the alienating parent had emotionally, physically, or sexually abused them. These data should help put to rest the prevailing notion that all children (in their naive wisdom) will ally themselves with the parent better able to attend to their needs. The people interviewed appeared to side with the parent on whom they had become dependent and whose approval they were most afraid of losing, not the parent who was most sensitive or capable. Apparent Psychopathology A related finding is that many of the alienating parents appeared to have features of narcissistic and/or have a borderline or antisocial personality disorder, as well as being active alcoholics. Thus, social workers providing individual therapy with a client who may have been alienated from one parent by the other should be aware of the importance of exploring these other abuse and trauma factors in the client’s early history. Cult Parallels Cults offer a useful heuristic for understanding parental alienation syndrome. Alienating parents appear to use many emotional manipulation and thought reform strategies that cult leaders use. Awareness of this analogy can help individuals who experienced parental alienation syndrome (and their therapists) understand how they came to ally with a parent who was ultimately abusive and damaging. The analogy is also helpful for understanding the recovery and healing process. The research and clinical literature on recovery from cults offers useful ideas for therapists working with adult children of parental alienation syndrome. For example, the way in which a person leaves a cult has ramifications for the recovery process. Cult members can walk away from a cult, be cast out of a cult, or be counseled out of a cult. Those who walk away (come to the realization on their own that the cult is not healthy for them) and those who are counseled out (those who are exposed to a deliberate experience designed to instigate the desire to leave) tend to fare better than those who are cast out (those who are rejected from the cult for failing to meet its regulations and strictures) (Langone, 1994). Regardless of how the cult is abandoned, leaving represents only the beginning of the recovery process. Considerable time and effort is required (usually in therapy) to process the experience and undo the negative messages from the cult that have become incorporated into the self. The same may be true of adult children of parental alienation syndrome. Different Pathways to Realization There appear to be many different pathways to the realization that one has been manipulated by a parent to unnecessarily reject the other parent. Eleven catalysts were described by the interview participants. This represents both good and bad news. The good news is that there are many different ways to evolve from alienation to realization. The bad news is that there is no silver bullet or magic wand to spark that process. For some participants, it was a matter of time and gaining life experience. For others, it was the alienating parent turning on them and, for others, it was becoming a parent and being the target of parental alienation from their own children. For most, the process was just that—a process. There were a few epiphanies, but most experienced something like a slow chipping away of a long-held belief system, a slow awakening to a different truth and a more authentic self. Most gained self-respect and a connection to reality and were grateful to know “the truth.” At the same time, they acknowledged that this truth was hard won and quite painful. Once they were aware of the parental alienation, they had to come to terms with some painful truths, including that the alienating parent did not have their best interest at heart, that as children they had probably behaved very badly toward someone who did not deserve such treatment, and that they missed out on a relationship that may have had real value and benefit to them. Long-Term Negative Effects Not surprisingly, the adult children with parental alienation syndrome believed that this experience had negative long-term consequences for them. Many spoke of suffering from depression, turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, failed relationships and multiple divorces and, most sadly, becoming alienated from their own children later in life. In this way, the intergenerational cycle of parental alienation syndrome was perpetuated. Wide Range of Alienation Tactics The adult children with parental alienation syndrome described a range of alienating strategies, including constant badmouthing of the targeted parent, chronic interference with visitation and communication, and emotional manipulation to choose one parent over the other. These same strategies were confirmed in a subsequent study of close to 100 targeted parents (Baker & Darnall, 2006). More than 1,300 specific actions described were independently coded into 66 types, 11 of which were mentioned by at least 20% of the sample. There was considerable but not complete overlap in the strategies identified by the targeted parents with those described by adult children. Working With Targeted Parents Social workers counseling parents who are facing parental alienation need to offer support, education, and guidance. The social worker’s primary role is to help the client become educated about parental alienation (what are primary behaviors that turn a child against the other parent) and parental alienation syndrome (what are the behavioral manifestations of an alienated child) so the parent can determine whether this is in fact the problem. These clients must be encouraged to look at themselves and their relationship with their children prior to blaming the other parent for their difficulties. If the conclusion is that parental alienation is at work, the targeted parent should be taught a series of responses to parental alienation that can allow the targeted parent to maintain the high road while not becoming overly passive or reactive. Such parents need ongoing validation and support in dealing with the pain and suffering associated with parental alienation. Working With Alienated Children Social workers who come into contact with children currently alienated must be self-reflective and aware so that they do not ally with the child against the targeted parent. A second concern is avoiding becoming intimidated or manipulated by the alienating parent. The child should be helped to develop critical thinking skills in order to enhance his or her ability to resist the pressure to choose sides. The targeted parent and the child’s relationship with that parent must be validated for the child. The social worker can be a role model who values and respects the targeted parent in order to counter the ongoing message that this parent is inadequate and someone to be discarded. In private practice, family service agencies, and school settings, social workers may work with clients affected by parental alienation. Some of these individuals may even be unaware of the source of their pain and suffering and/or uninformed about the name and nature of this phenomenon. Familiarity on the part of the social worker is the first step in providing the client with information, guidance, and hope when dealing with this complicated and painful issue. — Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, is director of research at the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection in New York City and author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. Resources for Targeted Parents Amy J. L. Baker, PhD: Information about Baker’s book and e-paper, as well as links for Internet and face-to-face support groups for targeted parents and a free 45-minute video, www.amyjlbaker.com Custody Calculation: Web site with information about a program designed to help parents have input into the creation of custody orders, www.custodycalculations.com Divorce Support: Web site with information about divorce, www.divorcesupport.com Parental Alienation Awareness Organization: Web site with information about parental alienation, www.parental-alienation-awareness.com The Rachel Foundation for Family Reintegration: Organization offering reintegration programs and services for targeted parents and alienated children, www.rachelfoundation.org References Baker, A. J. L. (2007). Adult children of parental alienation syndrome: Breaking the ties that bind. New York: W. W. Norton. Baker, A. J. L. & Darnall, D. (2006). Behaviors and strategies employed in parental alienation: A survey of parental experiences. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 45 (1/2), 97-124. Baker, A. J. L. & Darnall, D. (2007). A construct study of the eight symptoms of severe parental alienation syndrome: A survey of parental experiences. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 47(1/2), 55-75. Gardner, R. (1998). The parental alienation syndrome: A guide for mental health and legal professionals. Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc. Langone, M. (ed) (1994). Recovery from cults: Help for victims of psychological and spiritual abuse. New York: W. W. Norton. Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J., & Blakeslee, S. (2001). The unexpected legacy of divorce: The 25-year landmark study. New York: Hyperion.

Why Is It So Hard to Leave the Narcissist in Your Life?"

Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D.Understanding Narcissism

Why Is It So Hard to Leave the Narcissist in Your Life?

How Narcissistic trauma bonding keeps you coming back for more.

Posted Jan 31, 2018

Source: Jess Watters/PexelsI am seeing more and more people in my office who tell me some version of the following story:

I used to be a really confident and mentally healthy person. I had a good job, lots of friends, and I was happy most of the time. Now I am a total wreck. I can't concentrate on my work and I feel as if I am going crazy. I know that I am in a really destructive relationship with a Narcissist who abuses me, but somehow, I can't manage to leave once and for all.

This person used to be incredibly loving to me, but now they treat me like dirt. I don't understand what is happening or what I have done that makes them treat me this way. I love them so much! I have tried to leave, but each time I come back the moment that they start being nice to me again. I literally cannot make myself stay away. Can you help me? 

Why is it so hard to leave the abusive Narcissist in your life?

If the above story resonates with you, and you too have found yourself begging for crumbs of affection from an abusive person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I may be able to help you understand how you got here—and why you are finding it so hard to just walk away and not look back. The answer is that you have become “Trauma Bonded” to this person through a blend of “Intermittent Reinforcement” and “Stockholm Syndrome.”

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What is “Narcissistic Trauma Bonding”?

Humans are wired to emotionally bond with the people around them. This ability to bond is the glue that keeps families and relationships together. When we feel endangered or insecure our natural reaction is to reach out to those we are bonded with for protection. But what happens when the person we are bonded to is the one who is mistreating us? Then our tendency to bond works against us. 

Under normal circumstances, we might be able to walk away from our abuser and look for help elsewhere. Unfortunately, the conditions that create trauma bonding are not at all normal.  

With “Narcissistic Trauma Bonding,” you are initially showered with intense love and approval. It is like a fantasy come true. Then gradually the ratio of positive to negative events shifts—often so subtly that you cannot say exactly when this happened. You find yourself in fights with someone you desperately love who claims that everything bad that is happening is all your fault. 

Unless you walk out immediately and never look back, you are well on your way to becoming this person’s psychic prisoner. You will find yourself “Trauma Bonded” to someone who is destroying you. This is like your own personal opiate addiction crisis. You are now addicted to this person’s approval and only desire their love and no one else’s. You know you should stop, but you do not have the willpower to do so on your own. 

• The 7 Stages of Narcissistic Trauma Bonding

Stage 1: “Love Bombing”—The Narcissist showers you with love and validation.

Stage 2:  Trust and Dependency—You start to trust that they will love you forever.  You now depend on them for love and validation.

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Stage 3:  Criticism Begins—They gradually reduce the amount of love and validation that they give you and start to criticize you and blame you for things. They become demanding.

Stage 4: “Gaslighting”—They tell you that this is all your fault. If you would only trust them and do exactly as they say, they would shower you with love again. They try to make you doubt your own perceptions and accept their interpretation of reality.

Stage 5:  Control Is Established—You do not know what to believe but think that your only chance of getting back the good feelings of Stage 1 is to try doing things their way.

Stage 6:  Resignation and Loss of Self—Things get worse, not better. When you try to fight back, they up their abuse. Now you would just settle for peace and for the fighting to stop. You are confused, unhappy, your self-esteem is at its lowest.

Stage 7:  Addiction—Your friends and family are worried about you. You know that this situation is terrible, but you feel as if you cannot leave because this person is now everything to you. All you can think about is winning back their love.

How is it possible that this can happen to a normally sane and functional person like you?

The answer to this question lies in understanding the underlying dynamics of how humans react to a combination of dependency and abuse coupled with “intermittent reinforcement.”

• Intermittent Reinforcement

Many research studies have focused on how to get healthy laboratory rats to keep pressing a bar in the hope that they would continue to get food pellets. The researchers’ goal was to keep the rats working for rewards long after they had stopped giving them any. They chose lab rats because they react very similarly to humans in these types of situations.

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The researchers experimented with different patterns of rewards and found the following:

Pattern 1—Reward them every time they press

This was the least effective reward schedule. The rats expected to be rewarded after every bar press. When the rewards stopped, they might press one or two more times just to see whether any new food appeared. But...even the dumbest rats quickly wandered away and stopped paying attention to the bar.

Pattern 2—Reward for every 10th press

Here the researchers got the rats used to pressing the food bar 10 times before the food came out. This means that the rats could not learn that no more food would come until after they had already done the work of pressing at least 10 times. Most tried at least one more time and did another set of 10. Eventually, all the rats realized there were no more food rewards for bar pressing and they stopped working and wandered off to look elsewhere for food.

Pattern 3—Reward every 10 minutes

Here the rats learned that they would only get food on a set time schedule. Once they figured out that they would get rewarded 10 minutes after a press, they would eventually get very economical with their presses. They would press once or twice towards the end of the 10-minute period, then stop and wait for their reward. After the rewards stopped, it only took a few non-rewarded 10-minute periods for the rats to stop pressing the bar.

Result: The researchers learned that having any predictable pattern of rewards for pressing the bar resulted in fewer bar presses after the rewards stopped for good.

Pattern 4—Intermittent Reinforcement

The researchers finally outwitted the rats by doing away with any predictable pattern of reward. They varied the times between rewards and how many bar presses would be required to get food in exchange for work.

Result: The rats kept pressing the bar, even though they were never rewarded again.

In the terminology of “Learning Psychology,” the response of bar pressing was never extinguished on a schedule of “intermittent reinforcement.” In human language, the rats continued to work in the hope that someday they would once again be rewarded.

• Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm Syndrome is the term for a situation in which adults who are mistreated by their captors develop positive feelings towards the people who are mistreating them. As the situation progresses, the captives start to become more childlike and dependent. They become grateful for any small signs of approval and affection. Eventually they may bond with their captors and even come to love them.

The name comes from a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden in which the robbers took hostages. Much to the world’s surprise, by the time the captives were freed, they had developed positive feelings towards their captors, instead of hating them.

How does all of this apply to being in a relationship with an abusive Narcissist?

Stage 1—Continuous Reward with Nothing Required in Return

In the beginning, when the Narcissistic individual is focused on “getting” you, they give you lots of emotional food pellets in the form of attention, praise, and sweet gestures. They tell you how wonderful you are, bring you thoughtful gifts, and focus on making you feel good.

Almost everyone responds well to getting continuously stroked and praised by someone that they find attractive. This is the Narcissistic courtship pattern that has come to be known as “Love Bombing.”

All that they ask for in return is that you continue to give them a chance to prove their love to you. This is the human equivalent of teaching the lab rat where to look for food pellets.

Stage 2—Performance Rewards

Once Narcissistic individuals feel more secure with you, they stop continuously rewarding you. Now you only get positive attention when you do things that make the Narcissist feel good. Enough positive attention is still flowing your way that you do not really notice that now you only get rewarded when you “press the bar.”  In human terms, you are being groomed to want to please the Narcissist in your life.

Stage 3—Devaluation Starts, Rewards Decrease

In this stage, your Narcissistic mate starts to occasionally mistreat you. They may become critical of you, become controlling, or publically put you down. You still get occasional emotional “treats,” but now they are unpredictable. The bad moments start to outweigh the good. You are now on the equivalent of an “intermittent reinforcement schedule.”

Stage 4—“Gaslighting”

If this is your first experience with an abusive Narcissist, you are likely to be extremely puzzled as to why this is happening. Your Narcissistic mate supplies the answer. They insist that you are the problem. If only you would do more of a, b, or c, and stop doing x, y, and z, everything would go back to being perfect. The term “Gaslighting” comes from a movie in which a man deliberately tries to drive his wife crazy by making her doubt her own perceptions of reality.

Stage 5: Control Is Established

If you give in and start to believe what your Narcissistic mate says and give them even more control over you, BINGO!! You are now in a mini Stockholm Syndrome situation. The person who is mistreating you is now in charge of doling out everything. You have allowed yourself to become dependent and infantilized.

Stage 6: Resignation and Loss of Self

You are now their helpless prisoner hoping that if you do exactly what they say and show them enough love, they will love you back and be kind to you again.

Stage 7—Addiction, Leaving, and “Hoovering”

Addiction: At this point you are addicted to their approval. You are no longer thinking rationally. Instead of hating them for abusing you and wanting to be rid of them, you are afraid of losing them to someone else. You are totally trauma bonded to them. This means that you refuse to see the obvious: This person never loved you, cannot love anyone, and they are too Narcissistic to care how you feel or how much damage they do to your life.

Leaving: If you happen to summon up the inner strength to leave, your Narcissistic mate will suddenly change their tactics. They now start trying to suck you back into the relationship. This is informally called “Hoovering,” after the vacuum cleaner by that name.

Hoovering: They may start by doing something minor, like suddenly starting to “like” your social media posts. Then they may send you a casual text asking how work is going. If that does not get you to respond, they up the ante. They go back to the “Love Bombing” tactics that got you interested in them in the first place. If you continue to resist, they try even harder.

They make promises that they have no intention of keeping. They say anything that they think you want to hear.

• I love you so much.
• Life is not worth living without you.
• I made the biggest mistake of my life when I treated you that way.
• I see now that it was all my fault.
• I learned my lesson. From now on I will treat you like the Queen/King that you are.
• I will prove my love for you every day.
• Everything will be different this time.
• I have changed.

Wishful Thinking: Many people get sucked back into the relationship again at this point. After all, you reason, what if they really have changed? Won't I regret it forever if I do not give them a chance now? At this point, you are choosing to ignore everything that you know about this person on the slim chance that they have somehow magically transformed themselves into a decent and reliable human being who actually cares about you. 

What is really going on is that it feels really good to be wanted again. Everything that they are telling you, no matter how unlikely, is like a soothing salve for your wounds. You were so so humiliated and hurt by the careless way that they discarded you, and you have already invested so much in the relationship, that you hate to believe that all of this has been a total waste. In addition, it feels so good to be courted again that you simply do not want to walk away while you are getting more of what you have always wanted from them.   

• The Cycle of Abuse Begins Again

Unfortunately, the moment that your Narcissistic loved one realizes that you are now "caught," the rewards diminish, and the cycle of abuse begins again and continues until you walk away or get discarded.

Punchline: Even strong people can be trained to submit by the right combination of praise and punishment.

I once had a German Shepherd dog that would not stop biting people. I tried everything that the books recommended. to break her of the habit. Nothing worked.  She was a really big, strong dog and I was afraid that she would hurt somebody seriously and would have to be put down. In desperation I hired an animal psychologist. He said: “Don’t worry! I can cure her in less than ten minutes.”

I brought her over to him. He bent down and put his face near hers while I held her leash. She lunged to bite him. Before she could get her teeth into him, he punched her in the side of her head. Then he quickly petted her and said, “Good doggy, good doggy!”

She gave him an evil look and went for him. He punched her again, petted her, and said “Good doggy, good doggy!” She paused and looked at him and I could see the wheels turning in her head. She sat down in front of him and never bit anyone again.

I said: “I hate that you had to hit her but at least that I understand. What I don’t understand is the “Good doggy, good doggy!”

He said: “The punch was to stop her from biting me and to make her think. The “Good doggy, good doggy” was to reward her for not biting me.”

Adapted from a Quora.com post: How could I, at age 62 without history of co-dependency, or abusive relationships, become trauma bonded to my partner with NPD

About the Author

Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., CGP, is a Gestalt therapy trainer who specializes in teaching the diagnosis and treatment of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid adaptations.

In Print: 

 

Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety

"A Common Problem for Men in Bed"

Lisa Thomas LMFTSave Your Sex Life

A Common Problem for Men in Bed

Ways to last longer in bed? Learn control over premature ejaculation.

Posted Feb 07, 2018

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Premature Ejaculation can be a terrible problem to have.  The amount of suffering and the blow to a man’s self-esteem is enormous.  I know this because I work as a sex Therapist and relationship expert in a private practice setting in Denver, Colorado.  I have clients contact me from all over the world looking for the premature ejaculation cure.  This is the advice I give to these men.

1. You have to learn how to last longer by practicing.  You learn this the fastest through masturbation. 

2.  When you masturbate, pay attention to how it feels right before you ejaculate.  This sensation is called your “Point of No Return”. 

3. The goal is to learn how to control that "Point of No Return" reflex through masturbating and then stopping right before you ejaculate. Learning how to back off and breathe and calm yourself will help you learn how to generate control over when you ejaculate.

4. By learning how to back off when you feel like you’re going to ejaculate, you create control and feel more in control of the sexual experience.

5. Practice by masturbating this “Start-Stop Technique” at least 2-3 times every time you masturbate. In other words, masturbate until you are about to ejaculate then stop, let your erection die down a little bit, take a few breaths, then start masturbating again.  Repeat this cycle 3 times before you allow yourself to finally ejaculate. 

6. To help cure premature ejaculation, you should be masturbating every day if not twice per day. It helps to desensitize your reflex to ejaculate.   

7. Sexual control is a learned mechanism, it may take months of daily practice to learn how to last longer.

8. Be patient with yourself. There is no quick fix. 

9.  When you are with a sexual partner, make sure you have ejaculated already that same day.  If you haven’t ejaculated recently you are very likely to ejaculate faster than you would like.

10.   If you happen to ejaculate with a partner before you have wanted to, do something to make sure your partner has an orgasm.  When your partner is left hanging it is not as good as a sexual experience for them. Making sure they are pleasured is what makes you a good lover.

11. If your anxiety is all about having intercourse, have sexual relations without penetration.

12. If you are in a relationship, tell your partner you are working on lasting longer.  It may help ease some of the nervousness associated with having relations.

Overall, make sure that you give yourself credit when you do make progress.  Sometimes even lasting a few seconds longer is reason to celebrate.

One of the things that really kills the mood is criticism.  If you or your partner is being critical of your sexual skillset, kindly remind them you are working on it.  If you are being critical of yourself don’t make it a focal point of the sexual experience.  Nothing kills the mood faster than comments about your performance. 

The last tip is to enjoy and relax.  We only want sex or a sexual experience to be tension reducing and relaxing.  Focus on staying aroused and relaxed.  Let sex be a tension reducing and pleasurable activity.

You can also watch my YouTube Video on the subject.

"3 Steps to Calm Your Romantic Partner When You Are Arguing" / Jeremy Nicholson, MSW,PHD

Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D.The Attraction Doctor

3 Steps to Calm Your Romantic Partner When You Are Arguing

How to make your mate feel better (even when you can’t solve the problem).

Posted Dec 31, 201

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Arguments, disagreements, and conflict in romantic relationships can be challenging for partners. That is why I have explored these topics in previous articles and provided tips to solve relationship arguments and influence angry lovers. I have also discussed strategies to stop a partner’s annoying habits and ways to forgive a lover’s mistakes too.

Nevertheless, what happens when you can’t solve the problem, or continue to disagree with your mate or spouse? If the issue is very serious, a couple may choose to break-up. That is an extreme solution, however, especially for minor disagreements that occur throughout the course of a relationship.

Given that, how can someone continue to disagree with a partner, especially as routine conflicts continue to arise, while still ensuring that partner is satisfied in the relationship? How can they soothe or appease an arguing mate, without completely giving into their demands? With these questions in mind, I explored the research for a solution…

Conflict, Perceived Understanding, and Relationship Satisfaction

In my search, I found an article by Gordon and Chen (2016) evaluating the effect of a partner’s perceptions of being understood on their relationship satisfaction during times of relationship conflict. In other words, the researchers were looking at the effects of a partner feeling that their mate “got where they were coming from” and understood their side of the argument, even when that mate continued to disagree. Gordon and Chen (2016) looked at this effect of “feeling understood” across 7 studies and found some interesting results.

In the first two studies, the researchers surveyed individuals who had been in their relationships for at least six months. Those participants completed questionnaires to evaluate the amount of conflict and disagreement in their relationship, their relationship satisfaction, and their perceptions of feeling understood by their partner. Results indicated that higher disagreement and conflict resulted in lower relationship satisfaction—but only for partners who did not feel understood. In other words, when a couple argued and disagreed, if the partner felt understood by their mate, then they were still satisfied in the relationship.

This same effect was also found when participants imagined a conflict with their partner in the future—and being understood, or not understood, during that argument (study 3). The effect was also found when couples kept daily records of their disagreements and feeling of being understood (study 4). If a partner felt understood by their mate during a disagreement, then they remained satisfied with the relationship. If a partner did not feel understood during a conflict, however, then they became less satisfied with the relationship.

In study 5, Gordon and Chen (2016) furthered their investigation by evaluating actual conversations between couples, discussing sources of conflict in their relationships. In these live interactions too, participants who did not feel understood by their partner during the conflict discussion were less satisfied with their relationship after the conversation. In contrast, those who felt understood were just as satisfied (sometimes more so) after arguing. In fact, partners who felt understood during an argument continued to be satisfied with their relationship, even when the conflict itself was not solved during the conversation.

This effect was further explored in the final two studies, where participants were asked to explain why feeling understood helped them to feel more satisfied with the relationship as well. Participants’ open-ended responses to this question were coded and categorized. Overall, participants reported that feeling understood; 1) made them feel like a team with their partner and strengthened the relationship, 2) showed that their partner cared and was invested, and 3) indicated that the problem was more likely to be resolved eventually too.

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Improving the Perception of Understanding in Your Relationship

Given the above, it appears that a partner feeling understood in a relationship goes a long way to ensuring they are satisfied with that relationship. Even when arguments and conflicts go unresolved, when a partner feels understood, they are still pacified and calmed. To benefit from this effect then, how do you help your partner feel understood and comfortable, even when you disagree?

The measures and results from Gordon and Chen (2016) above offer some clues. For example, the statements they used to evaluate feelings of being understood include:

• My partner nearly always knows exactly what I mean.
• My partner not only listens to what I am saying but really understands and seems to know where I am coming from.
• (Reverse scored) My partner does not sense or realize what I am feeling.

Furthermore, open-ended explanations by participants included:

• I feel more satisfied after conflicts when I feel understood because it is nice to know that my opinions are taken into consideration whether my partner actually agrees with me or not.
• If we are arguing and they take the time to see my side it makes me feel like we have a good relationship with strong communication.

Therefore, making a partner feel understood is about helping them feel comfortable, heard, and recognized. This can be accomplished through the following:

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1) Establish Comfort and Solidarity with Mimicry and Positive Body Language: One of the best ways to make a partner feel comfortable, understood, and “on the same team” is to copy their expressions and body language. In fact, studies have shown that such mimicry increases feelings of comfort, liking, helpfulness, and attraction. This can be particularly powerful, if you selectively copy the open and positive body language of your partner, which is an aspect of attractive body language too. If your partner starts a conflict by being closed off and distant, however, then given them some space and open up over time to be most persuasive.

2) Use Your Words to Build Rapport and Connection: After helping your partner feel in sync and on the same team through body language, it is also important to speak and behave in ways that further build connection and rapport. Specifically, speak with your partner in a way that is genuine, empathetic, and warm. Also, when possible, show your appreciation and understanding by summarizing what you have heard them say (“It sounds to me that you are upset because… Is that right?”) and sharing sympathetic statements (“I can see why you are upset”). This type of conversation builds attraction too. When possible, highlight points of agreement to increase motivation to solve the problem and touch or hug your partner for persuasive effect as well. All of this will help your partner feel that you care and are invested in the relationship.

3) Attempt to Find a Solution: If possible, actually work toward a solution. Follow steps to compromise and resolve the argument. Give your partner a good reason to stop their annoying habit. Allow them to earn your forgiveness too. Of course, that ideal is not always possible. Nevertheless, even when it is unsuccessful, simply showing effort in trying to solve the problem constructively helps a partner feel understood and cared about as well.

Overall then, even when you argue, helping your partner feel understood will go a long way toward keeping them (and you) satisfied in the relationship. When conflict occurs then, it may be worthwhile to take time developing a feeling of solidarity and comfort through body language, speaking in ways that show you care and empathize, and showing that you are invested in (at least trying) to solve the issues at hand. Whether you ultimately solve the agreement after that or not, your relationship will be better for the effort.