People Have Sex Within The Limits of Their Development
Sexual boredom is built into love relationships
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
"Research Shows Promise for Aging"
Research Shows Promise for Aging Brains
New research suggests aging minds can be trained to think smart and act younger.
Source: Geralt/Pixabay, used with permission.
In a small study of older adults, published in the February 2018 issue of the professional journal Neurobiology of Aging, researchers at the Center for BrainHealth at the University of Texas, Dallas, looked at the effects of Strategic MemoryAdvanced Reasoning Training (SMART), a higher-order cognitive training program, on cognitive processing speed and lower-order cognitive functions. They found that using higher-order approaches (such creative thinking, analysis, critical thinking, decision-making, and problem-solving) improves processing speed and slows down the decline of lower-order cognitive functions associated with normal aging, such as memory and comprehension.
Fifty-seven study participants—normally healthy men and women ranging in age from 56 to 71—were divided into three groups: a cognitive training group, a physical exercise group, and a wait-listed group. A physical exercise group was included in the study because aerobic exercise has been linked to physical changes within the brain that lead to improvements in cognitive processing speed. Over the course of the 12-week study, this group exceeded standard recommendations for getting at least 150 minutes of exercise a week. Those participants who received cognitive training were introduced to SMART strategies in hourly, once-a-week sessions over the course of 12 weeks, and encouraged to use these strategies while performing mental tasks throughout each day. They also received additional relevant homework assignments.
SMART strategies included filtering information to reduce the amount of stimulation coming in at one time, excluding nonessential details, blocking distractions, applying information to familiar real-life situations, and developing alternative perspectives and solutions. Simple exercises included reading an article and deleting unimportant or irrelevant information, rewriting information in their own words and, given a problematic set of circumstances, coming up with creative and alternative solutions. Participants would then discuss how these strategies could be applied to real-life everyday situations. Using these strategies, study participants learned to focus their attention while eliminating irrelevant information, interpret information in a broader context, find multiple ways to approach mental tasks, and minimize their fear of failure or the unknown.
In this study, higher order cognitive training was significantly more effective at improving processing speed than aerobic exercise, which has long been associated with improved processing speed and cognition. In fact, fMRIs used throughout the study indicated a decrease in processing time in both the exercise and wait-listed groups. The researchers point out, however, that brain imaging studies from previous studies have found that it could take a year for cognitive changes associated with exercise to show up in older men and women. As is the case with all early research, however, larger clinical studies are necessary to confirm the more immediate brain-boosting potential of higher-order cognitive training.
:Dismissing Attachment and the Search for Love"
Dismissing Attachment and the Search for Love
Why someone can want love but not be able to tolerate it.
People with dismissing attachment styles don’t seem to have a difficult time initiating romantic encounters or starting relationships. They just aren’t sure how to go about keeping them and allowing them to grow. Dismissingly attached individuals can initially come across as warm and charismatic. I have heard many partners of dismissing people describe them as the life of the party. Friends might remark how lucky you are to have such a warm and personable person in your life. And you wonder to yourself, what is wrong with you that this wonderful person pulls away and gets distant once the party is over.
If you are in a relationship with a dismissing partner, then you too felt the allure of their seductive personality. It is relatively easy for dismissing individuals to focus on and show interest in a new dating partner. This is because in the early phase of the relationship they are not thinking about what they personally need from the other person and the other person has not yet become a threat. The dating partner likes all of the positive attention and so doesn’t notice that their new dismissing suiter rarely talks in much depth about his childhood, personal struggles, or deep feelings.
Imagine being the dismissing person; spending your life wanting love and connection.
You keep meeting people who would objectively seem to rise to your high standards and criteria for being a good partner. But, once you get involved with them, you realize that your partner has many irritating qualities, is highly demanding of your time and affection, and is increasingly critical of your behavior in the relationship. You just can’t do anything right in this other person’s eyes. At the same time, your partner tells you repeatedly how much she loves and adores you. You say to yourself, “Who needs this???!!!” You know it is never going to work out, but you can’t stand the thought of breaking her heart.
Not wanting to hurt her, and not wanting to be viewed as a shmuck by her family and friends (who you generally like), you decide to do what you think is the right thing. You keep dating her but you are careful not to touch her too much or show her too much affection. This isn’t that difficult because by this time, her tender touches make you anxious and uneasy anyway. You start telling her that you don’t think you can give her what she wants in the relationship…that she deserves better. You hope that she will break up with you so that you don’t have to personally hurt her....but still she hangs in there.
Obviously, this is a gut-wrenching situation for the dating partner and isn’t much fun for the dismissing person either.
The dismissing person usually realizes that something is wrong with this situation. When talking to others, he describes his dating partner in a very positive light. He actually cares, and you can hear it in his voice. He even gets jealous and hurt if he sees his the person he is trying to end it with showing slight interest in another person. He feels like two people. He really wants love. He wants “normal.” He may want to be married and have children. He doesn’t want to keep repeating this pattern, but he doesn’t know what to do.
The problem here is a strong disconnect between the dismissing person’s conscious thoughts and his emotional system.
His conscious mind tells him that this dating partner is attractive and has a great personality…that he should be happy moving forward with the relationship. But, simultaneously, his emotional system is reading her love and affection as a threat and triggering an anxiety response.
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Now, thinking of himself as weak or anxious is antithetical to someone with a dismissing attachment style. But he has to make an attribution for his emotional experience to understand his own behavior. So, he labels the anxiety as irritation or annoyance. And he feels this way whenever she gets really close and affectionate with him. So, she must be the cause of this irritation. His brain agrees and says, yes “she is irritating” and (as all normal human brains do) his brain then finds evidence in the environment to support this idea. He finds her faults and subtle imperfections that he now finds intolerable. He derogates her in his mind and he has to pull away.
This pattern with the romantic partner is the same as the one that dismissing people often enact with their parents. They either idolize the person (usually from a distance) or they dismiss the other person from their minds and foreclose on the relationship.
Rationally the dismissing person knows that he is doing this and knows that it is crazy. He wants to stop.
If this description of the dismissing love partner approximates how you feel in your close relationships, here are some things to think about.
- Recognize the pattern you are enacting and that your emotional system is playing tricks on your conscious mind.
- Focus in on the physical sensations that you feel when your partner gets close. See if you can give this sensation a name. The sensation is not you after all. It is only a sensation. See if you can separate out the love feelings from the anxiety.
- Realize that the grass really isn’t greener elsewhere. Often the love you want is not far away (if not right in front of you).
- Learn to love yourself. Embrace the more tender soft parts of your being and nurture them like you would a young child who needs your care. If you can learn to do this for yourself you will find it easier to do this for others.
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The reason that love and affection are so threatening to someone with a dismissing attachment style is that these things were typically not made available from parents in childhood (even though on being interviewed they usually state that their childhoods were idyllic and parents were loving, without supporting memories of evidence). In this situation, the child will deny the need for love and affection rather than stay in a state of sadness and yearning. After years of pushing this lack love out of awareness, the dismissing adult feels strong and confident.
But then someone comes along who really cares and says “I love you.” And now all of that suppressed yearning wants to rush back from the suppressed past. But, our dismissing friend cannot tolerate being so vulnerable and needy (yuck!). So, he feels angry at that which threatens his hard fought security and he needs to push it away. So, he pushes away the one who offers him love. (I made a conscious choice to use a masculine pronoun for the dismissing person because most clients who seek help with this issue are male)
And if you are the one who is in love with a dismissing partner:
- Realize that he is trying to push away his own need for love…to keep closed the old wound that he thought he forgot about.
- If he starts to run away, tell him how much you care, but don’t run after him. Remember, a starving and scared dog may very much want to be rescued…but that doesn’t mean he won’t bite you.
- Make a choice.
- Tell him that you are not interested in being loved from a distance and end it. You have to know your own tolerance levels and if it hurts too much, you should leave.
- Or, tell him that you aren’t going anywhere and that you are not going to do his dirty work for him. If he cannot tolerate love then he should muster up the courage to end it himself. In other words “put up or shut up.”
- Don’t stand in the middle, not knowing if you are coming or going; that is a very painful way to go.
- Don’t take him too seriously and learn to be a little dismissing yourself. This might feel more comfortable for him and it’s a way that you can keep from giving all of your power away in the relationship.
Hal Shorey Ph.D.
Hal Shorey, Ph.D., is a professor of clinical psychology at Widener University's Institute of Graduate Clinical Psychology. He earned his doctorate from the University of Kansas, where he conducted research on positive psychology and how to help adults establish more rewarding and satisfying lives. He now applies this expertise through counseling individuals and couples and through helping discriminating professionals optimize their performance at work.
"The Strange Psychology Of Ghosting" by Jen Kim
The Strange Psychology of Ghosting
When the going gets tough, it's become almost acceptable to just disappear.
Source: PathDoc/ShutterstockWithin 15 minutes of our hour-long UBERPool ride, I was convinced I had made a new friend.
She laughed at my jokes. I loved her shoes. We liked the same things. We had even moved to San Francisco around the same time. Our conversation flowed effortlessly. No awkward pauses. No TMI confessions. We were like old friends, even though we had met just minutes before. Before I got out of the car, we exchanged emails and planned to meet up for lunch.
I emailed her the following week and we agreed to get together last Wednesday after work. I texted her on Tuesday: "Tea, dinner and drinks? What do you feel like?" She playfully responded: LET'S DO IT ALL. :)
Later that night she texted: I'm so sorry, but can we do Thursday instead?
I responded: Sure, no problem.
On Thursday morning, she texted me that she'd let me know when she was on her way home, and that she’d get in around 6:30 pm. I told her I'd be available after 6.
At 6 pm, I texted her: Hey, I'm in downtown. Let me know when you're around. :)
Nothing.
She never responded. No phone calls. No texts. No emails.
As far as I knew, she could be lying in a coma somewhere. And as awful as is to admit, I kind of hoped that was true. At least, that would be a reasonable explanation for why I never heard from her again.
I confided in my friend, Danielle, about this mysterious disappearance over drinks. Instead of shock and disbelief, she responded with resignation and a knowing sigh. “Jen, she ghosted you.”
So apparently, there's a term for this kind of awful behavior. Worse, it is a relatively widespread cultural phenomenon.
Ghosting occurs when a person you are dating suddenly disappears off the face of the planet. This can take the form of ignoring you, not responding to any attempts at communication, and even pretending they legitimately don’t know you, even when you see them face-to-face.
As the term suggests, they've vanished without a trace.
A victim of ghosting herself, Danielle also admitted that she will ghost guys she’s dating. She even ghosts her mom from time to time.
Source: Giphy
In true Stephanie Tanner form, I responded, “How rude!” She agreed, but reasoned, “You put too high of a value on courtesy.” Since when did courtesy become something that was optional? To me, it has always been a requirement.
Was I crazy?
“You’re not crazy,” she reassured me, "but you don’t live in the same world that I live in. You’ve been out of the dating game for years now. It’s a totally different playing field.”
Apparently, the dating terrain had changed considerably when I was hunting in the wilderness a few years ago. I couldn’t understand the thrill of swiping left or the rare excitement of moving a conversation from texting to an actual in-person meeting. Most important, I didn’t get this updated section of the training manual:
People don’t treat people like humans anymore.
Thanks to a myriad supply of anonymous suitors (via apps like Tinder and Hinge), there just isn’t any time, desire, or need to treat everyone like the special butterfly they are, she explained. Ghosting is so tantalizingly easy, it makes the "It's not you, it's me" breakup seem like rocket science.
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Last year, a 25-year old app user named Chelsea (herself a ghost and a ghostee) wrote in a Huffington Post article:
“Even after one or two dates they are still just a profile to you, not a person. I don’t feel the normal empathy I would for someone I met organically.”
What shocks me is how this woman, who admits to being on the other end of this type of rejection, would so nonchalantly treat others in this way.
Back to my own problem I told Danielle, “But, she texted me twice that morning. Why go through all that trouble if you are planning to disappear later that day? Wouldn’t it be easier never to plan anything at all? Or to ghost my initial email?”
“There is no rhyme or reason to ghosting,” she said. "It’s usually an impromptu decision.” (This is in fact the case for many of the many inexplicable ghosting stories in a recent The New York Times piece on the phenomenon.)
“But don’t they care that they look like terrible people?” I ask.
Danielle answers stoically: “To them, texting you back to cancel, postpone, apologize or whatever puts them in a negative light. They essentially are admitting they did something wrong, so they’re going to feel bad about it. Ghosting, however, lets them off the hook. They never have to send: ‘I’m sorry I have to cancel.'"
“But they do cancel,” I counter, "because they don’t show up! Don’t they realize that ghosting is a million times worse than texting they have to cancel?”
“To them, it’s not worse, because they never have to admit anything,” Danielle coolly replies. “Silence is better than having to admit any kind of wrongdoing.”
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She’s right: People hate saying they messed up. It’s why you can scroll through pages and pages of inane debates on Twitter or comment boards. Acknowledging mistakes feels too much like losing or admitting failure. No one appreciates defeat.
Our unwillingness to say, “I was wrong” has a biological basis. Elliot Aronson, author of Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me), attributes this behavior to cognitive dissonance—“a state of tension that occurs whenever a person holds two cognitions [ideas or beliefs] that are psychologically inconsistent.” The example he uses is how we know that smokingis bad for our health, yet may continue to smoke several packs per day.
This dissonance often causes us anguish, which we try to alleviate through self-justification (often rooted in denial). In the smoking example, we might try to quit. If we fail, then we attempt to convince ourselves that we don’t really need to quit by making up excuses like smoking isn’t all that bad, or it helps us lose weight. In other words, our brains are naturally wired to think that we’re right, even when all the evidence says we’re not.
Source: Tom/Ghost Stories/ Flickr Creative Commons
It’s likely cognitive dissonance that allows Courtney and Danielle to justify their behavior as ghosts even though they’ve both been ghosted (and, I’m assuming, hurt by it). If that’s the case, I could surmise that cognitive dissonance is what is also making ghosting more and more commonplace—the more we excuse the behavior, the more we can convince ourselves that it’s normal and acceptable.
I prefer the old days, when rejections took place in person (or even via text!). A week after I’ve been ghosted, the rejection still haunts me.
Sunday, January 28, 2018
"Born Aware: Stories and insights from the Spiritually Aware Since Birth"~ Diane Brandom
There is a little-known phenomenon which has a corresponding type of consciousness that is 
atypical. This phenomenon is called the Born Aware phenomenon and it’s so named after those who experience it. In short, those who are born aware have always remembered what they thought and perceived at birth, and their thoughts and perceptions at birth were spiritual in nature. In addition to the unusual type of consciousness attached to this phenomenon, those born aware also tend to have a range of personal attributes in common.
Diane, (who is among those born aware) will describe this phenomenon in detail, how it compares with other better-known types of phenomena (e.g.,those who are naturally intuitive or psychic, etc.), the “Split Awareness” that those spiritually aware since birth have, the unusual type of consciousness (the “Higher Soul Awareness”), and an explanation of how this phenomenon can exist. She will also share the types of thoughts and perceptions that those born aware have at birth (based upon those she interviewed who have these memories).
Diane Brandom is the author of Born Aware: Stories & Insights from Those Spiritually Aware Since Birth (2017) which focuses on this phenomenon, Dream Interpretation for Beginners: Understand the Wisdom of Your Sleeping Mind (2015), Intuition for Beginners: Easy Ways to Awaken Your Natural Abilities (2013), Invisible Blueprints – Intuitive Insights for Fulfillment in Life (2005), and numerous articles. She is a professional intuitive counselor, author, teacher, and speaker who has researched intuition as a phenomenon and created a conceptual model of it. She resides in the Triangle and works with clients one-on-one in intuitive sessions, private intuition lessons, and mentoring, as well as past-life regression, individualized guided meditation, and dream interpretation/dream work. She also teaches classes, workshops, and seminars and is a corporate consultant. She may be contacted via her website, www.dianebrandon.com, or at diane@dianebrandon.com.
http://www.rhine.org/index.php?option=com_civicrm&task=civicrm/event/info&Itemid=537&id=299&reset=1
atypical. This phenomenon is called the Born Aware phenomenon and it’s so named after those who experience it. In short, those who are born aware have always remembered what they thought and perceived at birth, and their thoughts and perceptions at birth were spiritual in nature. In addition to the unusual type of consciousness attached to this phenomenon, those born aware also tend to have a range of personal attributes in common.Diane, (who is among those born aware) will describe this phenomenon in detail, how it compares with other better-known types of phenomena (e.g.,those who are naturally intuitive or psychic, etc.), the “Split Awareness” that those spiritually aware since birth have, the unusual type of consciousness (the “Higher Soul Awareness”), and an explanation of how this phenomenon can exist. She will also share the types of thoughts and perceptions that those born aware have at birth (based upon those she interviewed who have these memories).
Biographical Information
Diane Brandom is the author of Born Aware: Stories & Insights from Those Spiritually Aware Since Birth (2017) which focuses on this phenomenon, Dream Interpretation for Beginners: Understand the Wisdom of Your Sleeping Mind (2015), Intuition for Beginners: Easy Ways to Awaken Your Natural Abilities (2013), Invisible Blueprints – Intuitive Insights for Fulfillment in Life (2005), and numerous articles. She is a professional intuitive counselor, author, teacher, and speaker who has researched intuition as a phenomenon and created a conceptual model of it. She resides in the Triangle and works with clients one-on-one in intuitive sessions, private intuition lessons, and mentoring, as well as past-life regression, individualized guided meditation, and dream interpretation/dream work. She also teaches classes, workshops, and seminars and is a corporate consultant. She may be contacted via her website, www.dianebrandon.com, or at diane@dianebrandon.com.http://www.rhine.org/index.php?option=com_civicrm&task=civicrm/event/info&Itemid=537&id=299&reset=1
Friday, January 19, 2018
5 Reasons To Keep Gerber Baby Food Away From Your Child
Children Are Missing Out On Vital Nutrients For Growth
Gerber baby food claims their iron-fortified rice cereal is just what babies need when they are ready to start eating solid foods. But according to Gerber’s ingredients, the product is neither good nor safe.
“The iron in Gerber Cereal means you’re literally giving him food for thought.”
I was scrolling through People magazine, waiting in line at my local grocery store, when I came across these words splattered across the image of a tousled-hair, bright-eyed cherub who looked much like the original Gerber baby food sketch of 1928.
I wondered if this was all smoke and mirrors, and upon doing some research, found five reasons why this baby food should be classified as “crap.”
The Joys Of Gerber Baby Food
1. Spoonfuls of Sugar
The No. 1 ingredient in Gerber Rice Cereal is white rice flour, which means you are basically feeding your child a whole bunch of starch. Not only is this ingredient processed, but it’s also high in calories and devoid of real nutrients.
Giving your child Gerber baby food “is basically like giving your child a spoonful of sugar,” says Dr. Alan Greene, a pediatrician from Stanford University.
According to him, feeding a baby bleached white rice can also predispose a child to obesity. If you think about it, feeding your child Gerber Rice Cereal creates a negative taste imprint that can cause bad food choices later in life.
2. Not By A Long Chalk
These days, calcium is ad
(con't. at https://www.honeycolony.com/article/steer-clear-gerber-baby-food/
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"there were no words, but images flooded every cell in her being ...4 and a half decades!"
"Ideas to Ponder" from Intimacy & Desire
"People have sex within the limits of their sexual development. We stick to having sex in familiar ways that keep us comfortable. Having sex beyond your sexual development creates anxiety and makes you nervous. Mastering this anxiety is how you become a sexually mature adult."