"Interconnection"

These days, you'd have to be asleep or dead not to notice the chaos in this world.  It affects every level, every group, every place in the world. As a retired therapist, I was trained to observe anything/anyone acutely. And, since I came from a medical family (attorney, nurses, doctor, just to name a couple) I grew up with that model of acute observation.  Sometimes, it is actually nerve-racking and intense. But, it also leads to loving people.

How? Well, the man on the train who seems really cranky to others? Observation teaches me another lesson.  I notice that he has  several large vicious and visible scars on his face and neck, and shoes where one toe is cut out to reveal he has none inside. just stubs.

I see a toddler girl gazing up at him for a long time with no judgement....just interest.....observation. I wonder what she is thinking as her peaceful little face takes him in. He gazes back at her and smiles at her kindly. It seemed to me to be a powerful moment of humanity. All of a sudden her mother jerked her around and said somewhat harshly, "Don't look at him. Stop. He's dirty." The little girl looked up at her in a really puzzled way, and her little eyebrows tightly furrowed. I would be projecting if I filled in the blanks of what I thought, or what I thought she was thinking.

But something happened that I have never forgotten ...not ever. I noticed there were some tears on the little girl's cheeks, as she gazed quietly at her shoes. I wndered if in her mind's eye she was thinking of the comparison between her shiny T-straps and his, cut with something that hurt. "Mom, I think he's sad we won't look at him."  My own eyes filled with tears, for a number of other reasons connected with these human beings. As I looked at the man, his face was slightly turned away, but not so far that I could not see tears on his own leathered cheeks. But she, too, had seen that in a quick furtive glance back. She then glanced up at me. with a mixed expression....mixed with "did you see him?' Mixed with "can you do something?" Mixed with "wish I could ask him some questions". And then her shoulders slumped down in childhood acquiescence to her mom's order.

I was thinking of how he got those brutal scars ... delivered by another person?  A car accident? By a relative? By a fall? Looks like he had had a lot of pain....

Being in a train, on that very morning, and in that very place, we three almost silently commingled.......silently.....connected.....as human beings. I was so grateful that I had been in that place. Teens today use the term, 'my brain exploded'. And mine did indeed do that.  So much humanity and human caring in that ...one ...little ... minute.

That small happening took place decades ago, and I can see it as acutely as if it was happening this minute. I have hundreds of vignettes penetrating ... piercing.  Yet all make me wonder about the occasions when people assert, "Well, maybe this is heaven...."When that is said, all giggle a bit, as if to say, "No way!"

For me, it wasn't so silly .... I wondered....... and wondered...... and wondered.

"Synchronicity Can Signal Love Moments or Breakthroughs" ~ Rita Watson, MPH

Rita Watson MPHWith Love and Gratitude

Synchronicity Can Signal Love Moments or Breakthroughs

Is it coincidence or heightened awareness through meditation and mindfulness?

Posted May 19, 2015

Source: Rita Watson 2015Being in sync with the world in which we function today may hint at the subconscious world we are about to meet.  But in our overly programmed society, we can easily miss the clues.  Mindfulness, the practice of living in the moment, provides a fertile soil for heightened awareness.  As such, when we quiet our inner chatter, making meaningful connections might become effortless. With synchronicity, it is as if our inner world and the world around us find ways to communicate through coincidence.  Such moments might present us with love and opportunity, and even help us to gauge whether our relationships are falling into a pattern that lacks synchrony. 

In "The Magic of Synchronicities," Judith Orloff, M.D., says, "Events come together with such exactitude, it feels as if we have been launched onto a pre-ordained course. We can't stop thinking about someone and we run into them on the street; a person we have just met offers us the perfect job; we miss our plane and on the next flight we sit next to someone with whom we fall in love. This is synchronicity, a state of grace." (1)

Carl Gustav Jung defines the relationship between physical and psychological phenomena in his work “Synchronicity: An Acausal Connecting Principle.”  In looking at the possibilities for growth by being in sync with our relationships, the research on synchrony from California Institute of Technology is compelling. Researchers identified unconscious body movement as “an index of implicit interpersonal interaction.” In a relationship, it might be more telling to look for signs of being in sync rather than waiting for the obvious body language that clearly points to trouble. (2)

The word “synchronicity” has been in the news this month -- from the Synchronicity Theater openings in Atlanta, to filmmaker David Fincher’s new HBO series “Video Synchronicity,” and a new book by the Synchronicity Foundation.  The word itself reminded me of how I came to add a second section to one of my own books, “A Serenity Journal.”  After taking time off from work to focus on the book, I came to experience a startling moment of synchronicity—one that would impact both the new book and a relationship. (3)

A startling experience

One morning at 3 AM I suddenly sat up in bed.  I had a sense that I had been lied to by someone close to me.  But I did not feel like dwelling on it or boiling over in anger. So I turned on the light and reached for the new copy of the Atlantic Monthly; the subscription had been a gift from one of my sons. 

I happened upon a story by Francine Prose.  It was apparently an excerpt from a section that would be incorporated into her 2013 novel, “Bigfoot Dreams.”  The fanciful image of St. Joseph of Cupertino, an 18th century priest, within this modern day story was captivating. Despite my Catholic school upbringing, I had only learned about the levitating mystic just the day before.

The coincidence so startled me that I could not get back to sleep. So I got out of bed and made some tea. Then I decided to try to hook up the green wooden box that held an ancient television which doubled as a coffee table. It worked. But the only station that came in clearly was PBS.  It was now 4 AM and City Arts was interviewing writers. And at that moment Francine Prose appeared in my living room.

In focusing on this phenomenon I dismissed the thoughts of betrayal and went peacefully back to sleep for a few more hours.  Had this not occurred I probably would have written an angry letter, sulked, or in some way created a wedge in a relationship that had simply become out of sync through too much work and too much travel in different directions. I made a gratitude list and the decision to add a section to the journal called, “the other side of silence.”

In and out of sync and the gratitude connection

In reading the work of CalTech researchers, despite the specific context of their study, it seemed natural to look into the role of synchrony in interpersonal relationships.Their goal was to "evaluate unconscious body movement synchrony and implicit interpersonal interactions between two participants. We also aimed to assess the underlying neuralcorrelates and functional connectivity within and among the brain regions of two participants."

As such, they used as examples how two people walking together fall into sync, and conducted fingertip movement training. As noted:

“We found that synchrony of both fingertip movement and neural activity between the two participants increased after cooperative interaction. These results suggest that the increase of interpersonal body movement synchrony via interpersonal interaction can be a measurable basis of implicit social interaction. The paradigm provides a tool for identifying the behavioral and the neural correlates of implicit social interaction.” (2)

Although focused on aspects of social interaction, this study reminded me of how easily it is to fall in or out of sync with those in our lives. Whether looking for love or a new opportunity, making time for mindful moments and meditation is a valuable step.  Creating the environment  to recognize synchronicity and its cousin, serendipity, can enrich one's  life.

Copyright 2015 Rita Watson

References

1. Magic of Synchronicities, PsychologyToday.com,  by Judith Orloff M.D. on Mar 29, 2010 in Emotional Freedom

2. Kyongsik Yun, Katsumi Watanabe, Shinsuke Shimojo. Interpersonal body and neural synchronization as a marker of implicit social interaction. Scientific Reports, 2012; DOI: 10.1038/srep00959

3. A Serenity Journal: 52 Weeks of Prayer and Gratitude, Rita Watson, Paulist Press, 2000

"When We Were Young" by Adele

Adele - When We Were Young (Live at The Church Studios) ~ For John C.

Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk
To the way you move
Everybody here is watching you
'Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true
But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment
Before I go?
'Cause I've been by myself all night long
Hoping you're someone I used to know

You look like a movie
You sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song

I was so scared to face my fears
Nobody told me that you'd be here
And I swore you moved overseas
That's what you said, when you left me

You still look like a movie
You still sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song

When we were young
When we were young
When we were young
When we were young

It's hard to win me back
Everything just takes me back
To when you were there
To when you were there
And a part of me keeps holding on
Just in case it hasn't gone
I guess I still care
Do you still care?

It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young

When we were young
When we were young
When we were young
When we were young

Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
Oh, I'm so mad I'm getting old

It makes me reckless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
When we were young

"The Other Side"~ David Gray

On the other side....I'll see you then......

                                                 "The Other Side"

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side

I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest, I still don't know what love is

Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled

And now the floodgates cannot hold

All my sorrow all my rage

A tear that falls on every page

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side

Maybe I oughta mention, was never my intention

To harm you or your kin, are you so scared to look within

The ghosts are crawling on our skin

We may race and we may run

We'll not undo what has been done

Or change the moment when it's gone

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side

I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side

I know it would be outrageous

To come on all courageous

And offer you my hand

To pull you up on to dry land

When all I got is sinking sand

That trick ain't worth the time it buys

I'm sick of hearing my own lies

And love's a raven when it flies

Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side

I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest, I still don't know what love is..........

"Why People Hold Grudges and What to Do About Them"

You’ve gotten together with a friend you haven’t seen for years, and you’re excited to catch up on all the events in both of your lives. However, early into the conversation, your friend drops a bombshell. “You know,” she says, “I never understood why you ignored me at Jan’s wedding. You refused to sit next to me, and we didn’t even get any pictures together.” “Wow,” pops into your head as the only response you can muster. It's shocking to hear that (a) you unintentionally snubbed her, and (b) this really bothered her, even after all these years. You get home and look through your old photos from the event, and it’s true that there are none of the two of you. Maybe you did hurt her feelings. How on earth does she still remember this, and why has she carried this grudge for so long?

In all of the research on forgiveness, the question of non-forgiveness, or grudges, rarely appears as its own topic. We do know that expressing forgiveness is one of the most therapeutic ways to repair a broken relationship, as well as to promote your own mental health. People who show forgiveness are able to overcome the ruminative feelings that come along with anger toward those who have wronged them. They may not even feel wronged at all when others disappoint them or even cause them to feel hurt.

One of the problems with a grudge is that often the person holding it doesn’t tell the person who committed the so-called hurt. It’s impossible to ask for forgiveness from a person who didn’t indicate that an apology would be in order. Apologies may stimulate forgiveness as long as they’re offered, and they can provide the road to repair. In a recent study on forgiveness and apologies, Tel Aviv University’s Gabriel Nudelman and Arie Nadler (2017) define forgiveness as “a process that allows for close relationships to endure despite hurtful events” (p. 191). In forgiveness, they go on to note, one “becomes decreasingly motivated to retaliate against the offending relationship partner, decreasingly motivated to maintain estrangement from the offender, and increasingly motivated by conciliation and goodwill for the offender” (p. 191). How nice, then, to be given the opportunity to seek forgiveness, but to do so you need to know that you committed that hurtful act.

Nudelman and Nadler’s investigation is based on the premise that it takes a special person to be able to forgive, and that this tendency is not just related to situational factors. People who are likely to forgive are also less likely to perceive a transgression as such if they’re high in the quality of believing in a just world (BJW). When you’re high in BJW, you realize that people might commit actions that would require an apology, but you also realize that everyone does something wrong from time to time. In the end, the hurts from you should even out with the hurts directed toward you. It’s helpful to get an apology, but the high BJW person doesn’t sit there and wait for one to come. The people who should really need an apology (and might not even accept it) are those who are low in this BJW trait.

The Tel Aviv researchers carried out two studies in which they presented participants with scenarios describing interpersonal offenses, measuring such qualities in participants as the BJW trait and related qualities of avoidance, benevolence toward others, and revenge. The research team also investigated levels of affect (i.e. emotional arousal) and other personality traits that might enter into the equation. 

As measured in the Nudelman and Nadler study, BJW included statements tapping into such sentiments as “good deeds often go unnoticed and unrewarded” and “I am confidentthat justice always prevails over injustice” (p. 193). After being told to think about the person closest to them, participants read scenarios in which they needed that person’s support, but it inexplicably wasn’t provided. The apology scenario ended with the transgressor asking for forgiveness, and the non-apology scenario did not. The forgiveness measure simply asked whether the participant would forgive their partner and, additionally, wouldn’t seek out revenge or retaliation.

The findings, based on undergraduate participants, showed that indeed people high in BJW didn’t require an apology to exhibit forgiveness. Those low in BJW, in contrast, needed that apology to come, and if it didn’t, there would be no forgiveness unless there appeared to be no ill intent of the offender.

Grudge-holders, then, seem to be low in this all-important BJW quality. This prohibits them from seeing the acts of transgression (or imagined transgression) in a light that would allow them to bypass the need for you to apologize. Moreover, going beyond the Israeli study, we might also see grudge-holders as having memories that are either too good or too bad to help facilitate forgiveness. When their memory is too good, they can recall with almost photographic precision each interaction they’ve had with other people, both favorable and unfavorable. This will make it difficult for them to, as the expression goes, “forgive and forget.” If their memory is bad, conversely, their recall of the past will be biased in the direction that reinforces their belief in a hurtful and unjust world.

Returning to the example of your grudge-holding friend, there’s a good chance she’s right, but an equal, if not better, chance that she is overly focused on the negative in her interactions with others. She remembers being slighted, because she is the type of person people actually do try to avoid. It’s not really all that pleasant to be with people who are always keeping score due to their consistently low BJW. Thus, you may have stayed away from her at that long-ago wedding, because she just wasn’t that much fun to be around. Furthermore, her behavior may have engendered slighting (or, more neutrally, ignoring), because she didn’t really try to be part of the action, and when people talked to her, she seemed petty and spiteful.

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When you’re the recipient of a grudge match, the next question becomes how you respond. You may dig through the recesses of your mind and ponder all the times you could have been unintentionally hurtful or rude. This is probably not the most productive use of your mental energy, however. Instead of trying to put together fragments of all the interactions you’ve had with grudge-holders, try to get to the root of what’s bothering them. Figure out if they have had experiences that reinforced their views that people who wrong them deserve to be punished.

You may not be able to change those who are low in their just world beliefs. However, knowing that the grudge comes from a dark place in their view of the world can allow you to move on without engaging in too much self-blame. You can certainly try to see if an apology works, as even if the grudge has evolved and deepened over time, it may still be amenable to fixing.

As noted in the Nudelman and Nadler study, the conflicts and misunderstandings caused by real or perceived transgressions can erode your sense of support from others and the feeling of belonging. Trying to repair those relationships can only benefit your own fulfillment — and the fulfillment of those you care about the most.

Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., is a Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts 

Parental Alienation Syndrome

By Lina Guillen, Attorney

As a divorced parent, you worry when the other parent makes nasty remarks about you in front of the kids. Your ex might blame you for all of your family problems and say terrible things about you to your children. At what point do mere derogatory remarks turn into what some legal and mental health experts call parental alienation syndrome?

The American Psychiatric Association doesn’t recognize parental alienation syndrome as a mental disorder. According to Dr. Darrel Reiger, vice chair of the APA task force that drafted the most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), PAS can’t be defined as a mental disorder because it's not a mental health issue contained within one individual; Instead, it's a relationship dysfunction, between the parent-parent and child-parent.

What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Parental alienation may occur when a child is influenced by one parent (Parent A) to reject the other parent (Parent B). For example, Parent A may tell the child that Parent B doesn't want to visit, when in reality, Parent B is working. Or, Parent A may say that Parent B doesn't really love the child, or want to support the child, or say other negative things about Parent B that may harm the parent-child relationship. In severe cases, the negative influence results in the child refusing to see or speak with the alienated parent.

In severe cases, the negative influence results in the child refusing to see or speak with the alienated parent.

It's important to be aware of an ongoing debate about the validity of PAS and the real danger of abusive parents falsely claiming PAS in custody battles. Many experts and organizations, including the National Organization for Women, argue that PAS is a dangerous legal strategy, which harms abuse victims. Many children who have suffered child abuse or witnessed domestic violence may naturally reject or refuse to see the abusive parent. If the abusive parent successfully claims PAS, the children may be forced to spend additional time with the abuser, which could pose a threat to their mental health, safety, and welfare.

On the other hand, many children who have suffered child abuse or witnessed domestic 

violence may naturally reject or refuse to see the abusive parent. If the abusive parent

successfully claims PAS, the children may be forced to spend additional time with the

abuser, which could pose a threat to their mental health, safety, and welfare.

Signs of Parental Alienation

If parental alienation is indeed occurring, there are some warning symptoms described by Dr. Douglas Darnall, Ph.D, including the following:

• Telling the child details about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they "just want to be honest" with their children. This practice is destructive and painful for the child. The alienating parent's motive is for the child to think less of the other parent.
• Denying that the child has property, and demanding that the child's possessions be moved between homes
• Denying the other parent access to school or medical records and schedules of activities
• Blaming the other parent for money problems, splitting up the family, or having a new romantic partner
• Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule, or over-scheduling the child with activities, so the other parent isn't given time to visit
• Asking the child to choose one parent over the other
• Encouraging the child's anger toward the other parent
• Having a stepparent adopt the child and suggesting a name change
• Using a child to spy or secretly gather information for the parent's own use
• Arranging temptations that interfere with the other parent's visitation
• Reacting with hurt or sadness to a child having a good time with the other parent
• Asking the child about the other parent's personal life
• Making demands on the other parent that are contrary to court orders
• Listening in on the child's phone calls with the other parent

What Causes Parental Alienation?

Why would a parent want to damage the child's relationship with the other parent? Intentions differ from one parent to the next, but psychologists say the following could be motivators:

How Does Alienation Occur?

• An alienating parent may have unresolved anger toward the other parent for perceived wrongs during the relationship. They may be unable to separate those issues from parenting issues.
• An alienating parent may have
• unresolved childhood issues that they project onto the other parent.
• Some alienating parents may have a personality disorder, such as narcissism or paranoia, which makes them unable to empathize with their child's feelings or see the harm they're causing to the child.
• Some alienating parents may be so wrapped up in their children's lives that they have no separate identity; So, they view the child's relationship with the other parent as a threat.
• Sometimes new spouses or grandparents push the alienating parent into inappropriate behavior for their own wrong reasons, and the alienating parent isn't strong enough to resist.

The alienating parent may use a number of techniques. These may include:

• Encouraging the child to pretend the other parent doesn't exist. Not allowing the child to mention the other parent's name or refusing to acknowledge the child has fun with the other parent
• Attacking the other parent's character or lifestyle, such as job, living arrangements, activities, and friends
• Putting the child in the middle by encouraging the child to spy on the other parent or deliver messages
• Emphasizing the other parent's flaws, such as being unprepared for the child's activities.
• Discussing the parents' court battles with the child and encouraging the child to take sides
• Making the child think there's a reason to fear the other parent
• Lying about how the other parent treats the child
• Suggesting the other parent never cared for the child

What Does an Alienated Child Look Like?

A child who's been successfully alienated:

• Will bad-mouth the other parent with foul language and inaccurate descriptions of the other parent
• Offers only weak or frivolous reasons for their anger toward the targeted parent
• Claims to have only hatred toward the targeted parent and can't say anything good about them
• Doesn't show any empathy or guilt about hurting the targeted parent's feelings
• Doesn't want anything to do with the targeted parent's friends and family
• May not want to see or talk to the alienated parent

How to Deal with Alienation

Experts on alienation suggest the following ways to cope with the problem:

• Try to control your anger; Stay calm and in control of your own behavior.
• Keep a log of events as they happen, describing in detail what happened and when.
• Always call or pick up your child as scheduled, even when you know the child won't be available. This can be painful, but you must be able to document to the court that you tried to see your child and were refused.
• During time spent with your child, focus on positive activities. Reminisce with your child about the good times you had together.
• Never discuss the court case with your child.
• Try not to argue with or be defensive with your child. Talk openly about what your child is actually seeing and feeling, as opposed to what the child has been told to be the truth.
• Work on improving your parenting skills by taking parenting courses and reading parenting books, so that you can be the best possible parent to your child.
• If possible, get counseling for your child, preferably with a therapist trained to recognize and treat parental alienation syndrome. If it's not possible to get your child into counseling, go to counseling yourself to learn how to react to and counteract the problem.
• Don't do anything to violate any court orders or otherwise be an undesirable parent. Pay your child support on time. Fulfill all your parenting obligations to the letter.

Don't react to the alienating behavior by engaging in alienating behavior toward your ex. This just makes things worse and further harms your child.

• If you're not getting court-ordered time with your child, go back to court and ask that the parent violating the court order be held in contempt of court. The sooner you contact the court about the violation of the court order, the more likely it is that the problem can be stopped before it becomes permanent and irreversible. If your custody order isn't specific as to exact times and dates you're to be with the child, ask the court to make the order very specific so that there's no doubt about what is required
• Don't blame your child; Instead offer your child extra support. Your child didn't create the situation and desperately needs your love and affection.

Whatever side you are on, whether you believe your child's other parent is alienating your child, or if the other parent has a history of abuse which has resulted in your child being fearful of visitation, you should speak with an experienced child custody attorney in your area.

"How to Be A Good Divorced Dad" ~ Jeffery Leving ~Yahoo Parenting

How to Be a Good Divorced Dad

Jeffrey M. Leving is a Chicago-based attorney who specializes in father’s rights. He wrote the book “How to Be a Good Divorced Dad” because some of the men seeking his services weren’t fulfilling their family responsibilities.
**********************************************************************************************************************

As a retired therapist, who worked with male youth primarily, and by default, their dads, my chosen specialization was simply creating itself. And I loved it!  Every so often, I wondered how that choice happened. But by then I was studying, researching, and doing therapy. Then, (to be continued).....

Yahoo Parenting•January 23, 2015

Photo by Corbis

Being a good father is hard enough when you live with your kids and see them every day. Take away that physical proximity, and many men feel afloat, untethered from their children and unsure how to maintain an emotional connection with them – especially in the wake of a messy divorce. 

Jeffrey M. Leving is a Chicago-based attorney who specializes in father’s rights. He wrote the book “How to Be a Good Divorced Dad” because some of the men seeking his services weren’t fulfilling their family responsibilities. Divorced families come in all shapes and sizes, but Leving’s book addresses fathers whose kids are living with their mother – still the most typical arrangement. Here are his top tips for how to be great father after a separation. 

Find a good attorney (Not a tough one) 

“If a lawyer wants to immediately go to war, walk away,” Leving tells Yahoo Parenting. That’s because a hard-nosed attorney can turn a simple, if painful, divorce into a fight that evokes bitterness on both sides for years to come. That’s not good for your kids. Leving recommends asking lawyers if they’d ever embarrass an ex-wife by having divorce papers served at her workplace or try to humiliate her on the witness stand. If the answer is yes, find a different attorney. 

STORY: Why I Hated Being Pregnant 

Be consistent

“Consistency is probably more important than anything else, because it communicates love and support,” says Leving. “If a father isn’t regularly there for his children they’ll feel rejected and it can impair their self-esteem.” 

What does consistency look like? Show up when you say you will and be emotionally present when you’re with your kids (don’t spend the weekend answering work emails on your laptop, for example). Also, make an effort to attend parent-teacher conferences, extracurricular performances, and any other events that are important to your children. 

STORY: Is the Delivery Room Too Intense for Men?

Plan ahead

Treat time with your kids as a special event. Don’t waste it lying on the couch watching hours of television. Instead, Leving recommends planning a meal out, going to a museum, or throwing a board game night. 

And know that providing your kids with memories through experiences is usually better than buying gifts. “There are fathers who think they need to buy their children’s love,” says Leving. “They’re constantly giving their children presents and money, but unfortunately, not bonding with them.” 

Respect your ex

Never fight with your kids’ mother or badmouth her in front of them. Even if your ex is making snide comments (toward your job or your new girlfriend for example) Leving says to let it slide. “Kids get caught right in the middle, and they will always blame themselves for the conflict,” he says. “They’ll think they’re the reason mommy and daddy got divorced.” 

Communicate with your kids

Fathers should listen more than they talk. Instead of telling your kids stories about your glory days playing football, ask them about what’s important to them – even if you find comic books or model cars boring. 

“There are fathers who focus on their own needs. When they do that, they can lose sight of their children’s needs,” Leving says. “You have to listen, you have to communicate, you have to know what your children’s needs are – what they want, not what you want.” 

Pay your child support

This should be obvious, but don’t reduce or withhold support because you’re mad at your ex-wife. Leving stresses that fathers should remember the money is for the benefit of their children. 

If you’re strapped, don’t run and hide. “If a father can’t contribute financially because he lost his job, he needs to file a petition to abate support or reduce it,” Leving says. “If he doesn’t, he could end up in jail, and in that case, he’s not going to be able to parent very well.” 

Please follow @YahooParenting on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest. Have an interesting story to share about your family? E-mail us at YParenting (at) Yahoo.com.