"The Dark Side of Soy" ~ Mary Vance Terrain / Utne Reader

by Mary Vance Terrain

Image by Mo Riza, licensed under Creative Commons.

As someone who is conscious of her health, I spent 13 years cultivating a vegetarian diet. I took time to plan and balance meals that included products such as soy milk, soy yogurt, tofu, and Chick'n patties. I pored over labels looking for words I couldn't pronounce--occasionally one or two would pop up. Soy protein isolate? Great! They've isolated the protein from the soybean to make it more concentrated. Hydrolyzed soy protein? I never successfully rationalized that one, but I wasn't too worried. After all, in 1999 the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved labeling I found on nearly every soy product I purchased: 'Diets low in saturated fat and cholesterol that include 25 grams of soy protein a day may reduce the risk of heart disease.' Soy ingredients weren't only safe--they were beneficial.
After years of consuming various forms of soy nearly every day, I felt reasonably fit, but somewhere along the line I'd stopped menstruating. I couldn't figure out why my stomach became so upset after I ate edamame or why I was often moody and bloated. It didn't occur to me at the time to question soy, heart protector and miracle food.
When I began studying holistic health and nutrition, I kept running across risks associated with eating soy. Endocrine disruption? Check. Digestive problems? Check. I researched soy's deleterious effects on thyroid, fertility, hormones, sex drive, digestion, and even its potential to contribute to certain cancers. For every study that proved a connection between soy and reduced disease risk another cropped up to challenge the claims. What was going on?
'Studies showing the dark side of soy date back 100 years,' says clinical nutritionist Kaayla Daniel, author of The Whole Soy Story (New Trends, 2005). 'The 1999 FDA-approved health claim pleased big business, despite massive evidence showing risks associated with soy, and against the protest of the FDA's own top scientists. Soy is a $4 billion [U.S.] industry that's taken these health claims to the bank.' Besides promoting heart health, the industry says, soy can alleviate symptoms associated with menopause, reduce the risk of certain cancers, and lower levels of LDL, the 'bad' cholesterol.
Epidemiological studies have shown that Asians, particularly in Japan and China, have a lower incidence of breast and prostate cancer than people in the United States, and many of these studies credit a traditional diet that includes soy. But Asian diets include small amounts--about nine grams a day--of primarily fermented soy products, such as miso, natto, and tempeh, and some tofu. Fermenting soy creates health-promoting probiotics, the good bacteria our bodies need to maintain digestive and overall wellness. By contrast, in the United States, processed soy food snacks or shakes can contain over 20 grams of nonfermented soy protein in one serving.
'There is important information on the cancer-protective values of soy,' says clinical nutritionist Ed Bauman, head of Bauman Clinic in Sebastopol, California, and director of Bauman College. Bauman cautions against painting the bean with a broad brush. 'As with any food, it can have benefits in one system and detriments in another. [An individual who is sensitive to it] may have an adverse response to soy. And not all soy is alike,' he adds, referring to processing methods and quality.
'Soy is not a food that is native to North America or Europe, and you have issues when you move food from one part of the world to another,' Bauman says. 'We fare better when we eat according to our ethnicity. Soy is a viable food, but we need to look at how it's used.'
Once considered a small-scale poverty food, soy exploded onto the American market. Studies--some funded by the industry--promoted soy's ability to lower disease risk while absolving guilt associated with eating meat. 'The soy industry has come a long way from when hippies were boiling up the beans,' says Daniel.
These days the industry has discovered ways to use every part of the bean for profit. Soy oil has become the base for most vegetable oils; soy lecithin, the waste product left over after the soybean is processed, is used as an emulsifier; soy flour appears in baked and packaged goods; different forms of processed soy protein are added to everything from animal feed to muscle-building protein powders. 'Soy protein isolate was invented for use in cardboard,' Daniel says. 'It hasn't actually been approved as a food ingredient.'
Soy is everywhere in our food supply, as the star in cereals and health-promoting foods and hidden in processed foods. Even if you read every label and avoid cardboard boxes, you are likely to find soy in your supplements and vitamins (look out for vitamin E derived from soy oil), in foods such as canned tuna, soups, sauces, breads, meats (injected under poultry skin), and chocolate, and in pet food and body-care products. It hides in tofu dogs under aliases such as textured vegetable protein, hydrolyzed vegetable protein, and lecithin--which is troubling, since the processing required to hydrolyze soy protein into vegetable protein produces excitotoxins such as glutamate (think MSG) and aspartate (a component of aspartame), which cause brain-cell death.
Soy also is one of the foods--in addition to wheat, corn, eggs, milk, nuts, and shellfish--most likely to cause allergic reactions. Most people equate food allergies with anaphylaxis, or a severe emergency immune response, but it is possible to have a subclinical sensitivity, which can lead to health problems over time (and is exacerbated by the lack of variety common in today's American diet).
'People can do an empirical food sensitivity test by eliminating the food for a period of time and reintroducing it to see if there's an immune response, but most don't do this,' says Bauman. 'Genetically modified (GM) soy is the most problematic, and that's probably what most people are eating if they're not paying attention. People can develop sensitivity to a food that has antigens or bacteria not originally in the food chain, as is the case with GM foods.'
Yet avoiding GM soy doesn't mean all is well, Daniel says: 'One question I get all the time is, ?What if I only eat organic soy?' The assumption is that GM soy is problematic and organic is fine. Certainly, organic is better, but the bottom line is that soybeans naturally contain plant estrogens, toxins, and antinutrients, and you can't remove those.'
The highest risk is for infants who are fed soy formula. 'It's the only thing they're eating, they're very small, and they're at a key stage developmentally,' says Daniel. 'The estrogens in soy will affect the hormonal development of these children, and it will certainly affect their growing brains, reproductive systems, and thyroids.' Soy formula also contains large amounts of manganese, which has been linked to attention deficit disorder and neurotoxicity in infants. The Israeli health ministry recently issued an advisory stating that infants should avoid soy formula altogether.
Antinutrients in soy block enzymes needed for digestion, and naturally occur-ring phytates block absorption of essential minerals. This is most worrisome for vegans and vegetarians who eat soy as their main source of protein, and for women in menopause who up their soy intake through supplements.
Soy contains phytochemicals--plant nutrients with disease-fighting activity--called isoflavones. Studies claim isoflavones can mimic the body's own estrogens, raising a woman's estrogen levels, which fall after menopause, causing hot flashes and other symptoms. On the other hand, isoflavones may also block the body's estrogens, which can help reduce high estrogen levels, therefore reducing risk for breast cancer or uterine cancer before menopause. (High estrogen levels have been linked to cancers of the reproductive system in women.)
Although soy's isoflavones may have an adaptogenic effect (contributing to an estrogen-boosting or -blocking effect where needed), they also have the potential to promote hormone-sensitive cancers in some people. Studies on the effects of isoflavones on human estrogen levels are conflicting, and it's possible that they affect people differently. In men, soy has been shown to lower testosterone levels and sex drive, according to Daniel.
Bauman believes processed soy foods are problematic but maintains that soy has beneficial hormone-mediating effects. 'People are largely convenience-driven,' he says. 'We're looking at this whole processed-food convenience market and we're making generalizations about a plant. Is soy the problem, or is it the handling and packaging and processing of the plant that's the problem?
'Primary sources of food are a good thing. Once there was a bean, but then it got cooked and squeezed and the pulp was separated out, and it was heated and processed for better shelf life and mouth feel. Soy milk is second or third level in terms of processing.'
Bauman's eating-for-health approach calls for a variety of natural and seasonal unprocessed whole foods, including soy in moderation, tailored to individual biochemistry and sensitivities. 'Using soy as part of a diet can bring relief for perimenopause, for example,' he says. 'Throw out the soy and you throw out the isoflavones.' (It is possible to obtain plant estrogens to a lesser extent from other foods, such as lima beans or flax.) 'The literature is extensive on the benefits of soy, and that should always be stated, just as the hazards should be. That's science. These studies are not ridiculous or contrived, but take a look at them. Who's funding them?' asks Bauman.
'There are a lot of problems with these studies,' Daniel says, adding that the 1999 heart health claim was an industry-funded initiative. 'Even if there is positive information, and even if these studies are well designed, we need to weigh that against the fact that we've also got really good studies showing the dangers. Better safe than sorry is the precautionary principle. Possible bene-fits are far outweighed by proven risks.'
Daniel and Bauman agree on the benefits of variety. 'My experience as a clinical nutritionist is that people who have a varied diet tend not to get into trouble,' says Daniel.
'We like to demonize certain foods in this society,' says Bauman. 'If you want to find a fault, you'll find it. The bottom line is: What is a healthy diet?'

Reprinted from Terrain (Spring 2007), published by Berkeley's Ecology Center. Dedicated to fine feature writing about environmental issues, Terrain is distributed free throughout Northern California. Subscriptions: $15/yr. (3 issues) from 2530 San Pablo Ave., Berkeley, CA 94702; www.ecologycenter.org/terrain.

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Soy 'Nuggets'
Tofu
Soy milk, curdled and pressed into cubes of varying firmness. Often used as meat substitute. A nonfermented product, tofu contains antinutrients, which can block absorption of essential minerals.
Miso
Fermented soybean paste, used in soups and sauces. Rich in probiotics, good bacteria that aid vitamin absorption. Miso is high in sodium but is considered one of the healthiest soy products.
Soybean Oil
To extract oil, soybeans are superheated, ground, pressed, mixed with chemicals, and washed in a centrifuge. Soybean oil accounts for 80 percent of all liquid oils consumed annually in the United States.
Soy Milk
A processed beverage made of ground soybeans mixed with water and boiled, which removes some toxins. Sugar is added to improve flavor. An eight-ounce serving contains up to 35 milligrams of isoflavones, which may change estrogen levels and hormonal function.
Snack Food
Highly processed, a source of trans fat. Check your labels: Potato chips, tortilla crisps, and many other deep-fried things have been cooked in soy oil--straight up or partially hydrogenated.
Tempeh
Whole soybeans pressed into loaves, which are then fermented. Often used as a meat substitute. Tempeh is rich in B vitamins, minerals, and omega-3 fatty acids.
Fast Food
A source of hidden soy. Processed soy proteins extend some burgers and chicken (nuggets, patties, even 'grilled breasts'). Buns contain soy oil and to a lesser extent soy flour and lecithin. Soy oil also appears in dressings and dips, in American 'cheese,' and as the No. 2 ingredient in fries. There's even soy in Big Mac's secret sauce: Soybean oil nets top billing.
Edamame
Whole soybeans, commonly boiled in the pod and eaten as a snack. Most commercial edamame has been preheated to make digestion easier, but it still contains antinutrients.

Image by Mo Riza, licensed under Creative Commons. 

"You Think You Knew Crazy? Think Again. 10 Shockers from the Increasingly Unhinged Right Wing" | Alternet

Nothing shuts down America's far-right lunatic fringe.........



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"How Redshirting Your Kindergartner Could Backfire" ~ Benjy Hansen-Bundy

Delaying kindergarten can have early benefits, but the long-term effects aren't so appealing—for both redshirted kids and their peers.

By Benjy Hansen-Bundy | Wed Oct. 2, 2013 3:00 AM PDT

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Social Title: 

How redshirting your kindergartner could backfire

In this era of hypercompetitive parenting [1], more families are choosing to delay their children's entry into kindergarten, under the impression that the kids will have an academic and social advantage. In fact, a 2008 study [2] by Harvard researchers claims that since the late 1960s, the number of six-year-olds in first grade has dropped by 9 percent because they are increasingly likely to be enrolled in kindergarten.
No one disputes the immediate results of "redshirting," a phrase borrowed from the sports world [3]. Six-year-olds categorically test better [4] than five-year-olds in kindergarten, and they enjoy greater social and physical maturity that helps them make friends and win at tag. But there's a growing [5] debate [6] about the effectiveness of redshirting in the long term—not only for the kids held back, but for their peers, as well.
Some context: Like private school, redshirting is most prevalent among white, Asian, and relatively wealthy families. Here's 2010 data [7] from the National Center for Education Statistics on the percentages of kids delaying kindergarten:

There are several factors at play here, including the traditional wisdom, backed up by research [8], that shows little boys to be particularly fidgety in kindergarten. That said, the most striking disparity is also the most worrying. For families earning the least in this country, redshirting is cost-prohibitive [9] (PDF). As higher-income families delay their kids' kindergarten entry, children from lower-income families end up "competing" against older and more-prepared classmates—at a crucial time for learning and development.

Given the increasingly dramatic size of the existing achievement gap [10]—one exacerbated by few affordable pre-K options [11]—some worry that as teachers make kindergarten more challenging to engage the older students, low-income kids will fall even further behind [12](PDF). Poor students already repeat the grade three times [7] more frequently than wealthy kids.
What's more, a growing body of research suggests that redshirted kids might not enjoy benefits over the long run, anyway. A 2007 paper[13] for the National Bureau of Economic Research argues that "contrary to much academic and popular discussion of school entry age—being old relative to one's peers is not beneficial." (Also, unpublished research [14] from 2012 found that the advantages of redshirting "fade out and appear to reverse by eighth grade.")
Until more-conclusive research emerges, well-meaning parents are likely to continue redshirting their children. And depending on the individual child, that could be the right choice. But as Harvard researcher David Deming says, it's crucial that parents "make a decision with the whole life course in mind."

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Source URL: http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2013/10/redshirting-kindergarten-backfire-education

Links:
[1] http://www.motherjones.com/environment/2013/09/high-tech-baby-gadgets-helicopter-parents
[2] http://scholar.harvard.edu/files/ddeming/files/deming_dynarski_childhood.pdf
[3] http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/07/magazine/07wwln_freak.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1&
[4] http://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ973826.pdf
[5] http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/opinion/sunday/dont-delay-your-kindergartners-start.html
[6] http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/elements/2013/09/youngest-kid-smartest-kid.html
[7] http://nces.ed.gov/programs/digest/d12/tables/dt12_136.asp
[8] http://www.terry.uga.edu/~cornwl/research/cmvp.genderdiffs.pdf
[9] http://researchroom.wikispaces.com/file/view/Retention,+Social+Promotion+and+redshirting.pdf
[10] http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/04/27/no-rich-child-left-behind/
[11] http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/08/17/crushed-by-the-cost-of-child-care/
[12] https://www.msu.edu/~telder/2009-JHR.pdf
[13] http://www.nber.org/papers/w13663.pdf?new_window=1
[14] http://conservancy.umn.edu/bitstream/123591/1/Bixby_The%20Effect%20of%20Academic%20Redshirting%20on%20Math%20and%20Reading%20Achievement%20An%20Analysis%20of%20Short%20Term%20and%20Long%20Term%20Impacts.pdf

"The Shutdown in 10 Infuriating Sentences" by Kevin Drum / Mother Jones

Forget the blather. Here's what is actually going on.

By Kevin Drum | Fri Oct. 4, 2013 3:00 AM PDT

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Social Title: 

The shutdown in 10 infuriating sentences

At its core, the dispute over the budget and the debt ceiling isn't complicated at all. But it is full of misconceptions and urban myths. Here are the 10 facts worth remembering past all the obfuscation:
1. Democrats have already agreed to fund the government at Republican levels. [1]
2. Despite what you might have heard, there have only been two serious government shutdowns in recent history, and both were the result of Republican ultimatums. [2]
3. Democrats in the Senate have been begging the House to negotiate over the budget [3] for the past six months, but Republicans have refused.
4. That's because Republicans wanted to wait until they had either a government shutdown or a debt ceiling breach as leverage, something they've been very clear [4] about all along.

5. Republicans keep talking about compromise, but they've offered nothing in return [5] for agreeing to their demands—except to keep the government intact if they get their way.
6. The public is very strongly opposed [6] to using a government shutdown to stop Obamacare.
7. Contrary to Republican claims, the deficit is not increasing [7]—it peaked in 2009 and has been dropping ever since, declining by $200 billion last year with another $450 billion drop projected this year.
8. A long government shutdown is likely to seriously hurt economic growth [8], with a monthlong shutdown projected to slash GDP in the fourth quarter by 1 percentage point and reduce employment by over a million jobs.
9. No, Democrats have not used debt ceiling hostage taking [9] in the past to force presidents to accept their political agenda.
10. This whole dispute is about the Republican Party fighting to make sure the working poor don't have access to affordable health care. 

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Source URL: http://www.motherjones.com/kevin-drum/2013/10/shutdown-debt-ceiling-explained

"Happiness: Two Paths, One Goal" ~ Arthur Dobrin, D.S.W. ~ Psychology Today

Arthur Dobrin, D.S.W.

Arthur Dobrin, D.S.W., Professor Emeritus of University Studies, Hofstra University and Adjunct Professor of Management, Entrepreneurship, and General Business at Hofstra University is also Leader Emeritus, Ethical Humanist Society of Long Island. He is the author, coauthor, and editor of more than twenty books, including Spelling God with Two O's, Ethics for Everyone: How to Improve Your Moral Intelligence, and Business Ethics: The Right Way to Riches.

     The virtuous person, Buddha taught, is the compassionate person, for compassion is what brings happiness to the world. Happiness comes when your thoughts, work, and speech are harmonized and filtered through a prism of virtuous behavior.
     Freeing the mind of ill will and greed; avoiding untruthful, slanderous and abusive speech; and avoiding killing, stealing, and sexual misconduct—this is righteous conduct and the source of happiness, according to Buddha.
     Confucianism makes similar points, although its emphasis is more familial and civic than the more personal Buddhist philosophy. In Chinese, jen is the word for the highest of human goods. It is “true personhood.” Jen also means “human being.” Goodness and humanity are represented with the same ideogram, making the link between what it means to be human and virtue perhaps stronger than it is anywhere else in the world.
     I think Confucianism gets it right. You realize your own best self as you relate to others in a virtuous way. To be human means to embody virtue. Throughout its long history, this indissoluble link has rested at the center of Chinese civilization, although often abused.
     Confucius recognized that human flourishing was possible only within an ethical environment. Individuals should strive for perfection within their set of relations. This means the proper, deferential but reciprocal treatment of family, neighbors, and rulers. No one was exempt from this expectation, especially not rulers. Heaven withdrew its mandate to rule when a king or emperor became corrupt or selfish. The moral order of the universe required that the supreme ruler act in a virtuous way. This was the Mandate of Heaven—the right to rule granted by Heaven.
     In practice this meant that the role of government was to provide for conditions to allow for the happiness of the common person. This came about through reasonable taxes, peace, and fair punishment for criminals. Failing the public indicated Heaven’s disfavor and therefore undermined the emperor’s moral right to rule. The theory of the Mandate of Heaven also offered a justification for overthrowing corrupt rulers.For those who reject the idea of a corrupt and incorrigible human nature, happiness requires being true to the principles of your nature (to be a virtuous person) and applying those principles to others. When this is realized, harmony is achieved. And it is when things are as they should be—when conflict or friction is minimized—people can flourish. That flourishing is what is meant by happiness. And the way to that goal was through the practice of four key virtues: sincerity, benevolence, filial piety, and propriety. It is the fulfillment of human nature in the context of the social world that leads to a harmonious and therefore happy life.
     Ultimately, Confucianism became encrusted and inflexible and needed to be subjected to revisions. Filial piety was reduced to obedience to one’s father. But the virtues espoused are still valid and, if adopted, would likely lead to increased happiness in the world.

"In Search of Erotic Intelligence" ~ By Esther Perel, Psychotherapy Networker

Everybody's not doing it. That's the word from Newsweek, The Atlantic, and other trend watchers: Couples are having less sex these days than even in the famously uptight '50s. Why? Busy, exhausting lives is the easy answer. But how Americans view eroticism in the wake of recent sexual and social revolutions may be an even bigger factor, according to a growing number of researchers and social observers. -- The Editors

A few years ago, at a psychology conference, I heard a speaker discuss a couple who had come to therapy in part because of a sharp decline in their sexual activity. Previously, the couple had engaged in light sado-masochism; now, following the birth of their second child, the wife wanted more conventional sex. But the husband was attached to their old style of lovemaking, so they were stuck.....  (CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING)

"Fish On Drugs" ~ Utne Reader

Recent studies show that antidepressants entering waterways through the waste stream could have negative effects on fish.Something we failed to take into account: prescription drugs that make us happy are not magically absorbed inside our bodies by a team of smiling rainbows. Nope. They eventually make their way to our toilets, where we flush them away to water treatment centers. There, infectious germs are eliminated and the water is released into streams, chemicals intact.
The fish on drugs aren’t happy about this. In fact, there is evidence that our antidepressants are making them anxious. In a recent study done at the University of Wisconsin−Milwaukee, male fathead minnows swimming in waters contaminated with fluoxetine (Prozac) became aggressive and homicidal, reports Brian Bienkowski of the Environmental News Network (June 12, 2013). Exposed to doses as low as one part per billion, males spent more time hiding under a tile, making them slower to catch prey and less likely to breed. Increased doses saw females producing fewer eggs and males becoming increasingly aggressive, sometimes killing females. When minnows are exposed during development, Bienkowski writes, the drug seems to scramble genetic expression.
Though the university’s study was controlled, levels of exposure tested were similar to those entering streams via treatment centers. Still, Bienkowski notes, there is not enough evidence yet to know whether or how pharmaceuticals are impacting fish in the wild.

Read more: http://www.utne.com/environment/fish-on-drugs-zm0z13sozlin.aspx#ixzz2hE6bFbXy

"What Should A 4-Year-Old Know?" / Alicia Bayer, Huffington Post

KUDOS !! to Alicia Bayer, A Magical Childhood,  who writes:   "I was on a parenting bulletin board recently and read a post by a mother who was worried that her 4 and a 1/2-year-old did not know enough. "What should a 4-year-old know?" she asked.

Most of the answers left me not only saddened, but pretty soundly annoyed. One mom posted a laundry list of all of the things her son knew. Counting to 100, planets, how to write his first and last name and on and on. Others chimed in with how much more their children already knew, some who were only 3. A few posted URL's to lists of what each age should know. The fewest yet said that each child develops at his own pace and not to worry.

It bothered me greatly to see these mothers responding to a worried mom by adding to her concern, with lists of all the things their children could do that hers couldn't. We are such a competitive culture that even our preschoolers have become trophies and bragging rights. Childhood shouldn't be a race.

So here, I offer my list of what a 4-year-old should know.

1. She should know that she is loved wholly and unconditionally, all of the time.
2. He should know that he is safe and he should know how to keep himself safe in public, with others, and in varied situations. He should know that he can trust his instincts about people and that he never has to do something that doesn't feel right, no matter who is asking. He should know his personal rights and that his family will back them up.
3. She should know how to laugh, act silly, be goofy and use her imagination. She should know that it is always OK to paint the sky orange and give cats six legs.
4. He should know his own interests and be encouraged to follow them. If he couldn't care less about learning his numbers, his parents should realize he'll learn them accidentally soon enough and let him immerse himself instead in rocket ships, drawing, dinosaurs or playing in the mud.
5. She should know that the world is magical and that so is she. She should know that she's wonderful, brilliant, creative, compassionate and marvelous. She should know that it's just as worthy to spend the day outside making daisy chains, mud pies and fairy houses as it is to practice phonics. Scratch that -- way more worthy.

But more important, here's what parents need to know.

1. That every child learns to walk, talk, read and do algebra at his own pace and that it will have no bearing on how well he walks, talks, reads or does algebra.
2. That the single biggest predictor of high academic achievement and high ACT scores is reading to children. Not flash cards, not workbooks, not fancy preschools, not blinking toys or computers, but Mom or Dad taking the time every day or night (or both!) to sit and read them wonderful books.
3. That being the smartest or most accomplished kid in class has never had any bearing on being the happiest. We are so caught up in trying to give our children "advantages" that we're giving them lives as multi-tasked and stressful as ours. One of the biggest advantages we can give our children is a simple, carefree childhood.
4. That our children deserve to be surrounded by books, nature, art supplies and the freedom to explore them. Most of us could get rid of 90 percent of our children's toys and they wouldn't be missed, but some things are important -- building toys like LEGOs and blocks, creative toys like all types of art materials (good stuff), musical instruments (real ones and multicultural ones), dress up clothes and books, books, books. (Incidentally, much of this can be picked up quite cheaply at thrift shops.) They need to have the freedom to explore with these things too -- to play with scoops of dried beans in the high chair (supervised, of course), to knead bread and make messes, to use paint and play dough and glitter at the kitchen table while we make supper even though it gets everywhere, to have a spot in the yard where it's absolutely fine to dig up all the grass and make a mud pit.
5. That our children need more of us. We have become so good at saying that we need to take care of ourselves that some of us have used it as an excuse to have the rest of the world take care of our kids. Yes, we all need undisturbed baths, time with friends, sanity breaks and an occasional life outside of parenthood. But we live in a time when parenting magazines recommend trying to commit to 10 minutes a day with each child and scheduling one Saturday a month as family day. That's not OK! Our children don't need Nintendo, computers, after-school activities, ballet lessons, play groups and soccer practice nearly as much as they need US. They need fathers who sit and listen to their days, mothers who join in and make crafts with them, parents who take the time to read them stories and act like idiots with them. They need us to take walks with them and not mind the .1 MPH pace of a toddler on a spring night. They deserve to help us make supper even though it takes twice as long and makes it twice as much work. They deserve to know that they're a priority for us and that we truly love to be with them.

And now back to those 4-year-old skills lists...

I know it's human nature to want to know how our children compare to others and to want to make sure we're doing all we can for them. Here is a list of what children are typically taught or should know by the end of each year of school, starting with preschool.

Since we homeschool, I occasionally print out the lists and check to see if there's anything glaringly absent in what my kids know. So far there hasn't been, but I get ideas sometimes for subjects to think up games about or books to check out from the library. Whether you homeschool or not, the lists can be useful to see what kids typically learn each year and can be reassuring that they really are doing fine.

If there are areas where it seems your child is lacking, realize that it's not an indication of failure for either you or your child. You just haven't happened to cover that. Kids will learn whatever they're exposed to, and the idea that they all need to know these 15 things at this precise age is rather silly. Still, if you want him to have those subjects covered then just work it into life and play with the subject and he'll naturally pick it up. Count to 60 when you're mixing a cake and he'll pick up his numbers. Get fun books from the library about space or the alphabet. Experiment with everything from backyard snow to celery stalks in food coloring. It'll all happen naturally, with much more fun and much less pressure.

My favorite advice about preschoolers is on this site though.

What does a 4-year-old need?

Much less than we realize, and much more."

This piece originally appeared on A Magical Childhood.

Alienating Grandparents Hurts Grandchildren | angiEmedia

"If grandchildren can benefit from grandparental involvement in their lives, this implies that these relationships should be preserved despite parental separation and divorce. It is not just a “social nicety” to do so, it is fundamental to the well-being of the grandchildren.

Unfortunately, some research shows that 1/4 of children of divorce suffer from parental alienation syndrome. Children alienated from a parent not only suffer the loss or impairment of that parental relationship, but also tend to suffer the loss or impairment of all family relationships on that parent’s side. This means grandparent/grandchild relationships are also negatively impacted. Government policies in many locations fail to recognize the importance of preserving these relationships and often wrongly help alienating parents cut some or all of their children’s grandparents out of their lives, usually to the children’s detriment........."

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“Smile, baby”: The words no woman wants to hear ~ SORAYA CHEMALY/Salon

"Yesterday, I missed a train and I was frustrated, hot and tired. A man standing in the station decided it was a good time to pass his hand along my arm as I ran by and whisper, “You’d be even prettier if you smiled.”  Here’s the thing about “Smile, baby,” the more commonly uttered variant of the same sentiment: No woman wants to hear it.  And every woman wonders, no matter how briefly, about what could happen if she doesn’t smile.  I was in a crowded place and perfectly safe, but that is actually, in the end, irrelevant.  I have, in the past, been followed by men like him.

Without exception, this phrase means...."

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"Dying Is Flying: / Colin Tipping, Ph.D

Colin Tipping, PhD (UK) has provided much work on the notion of "Radical Forgiveness". Going about it through allegory, he provides this work which, to me, will take me the rest of my life.  No joke.  This is the quintessential forgiveness...one that is a spiritual bear to wrap your mind around.  And...it takes immense practice with a tolerance for ambiguity for falling short of the mark, but having spiritual tenacity to keep on.

Dr. Tipping "breaks it down" as simply as possible (I am speaking of the theory, not the achievement!)  I particularly like his CD, just for convenience, and the ability to load to onto iPods and the like.

He has many forms online to utilize for groups and individuals. I used them with adolescent groups who had wandered into the penal system...not exactly an easy "sell" on anything "touchy-feely". Still grinning, I recall their acceptance and some efforts at use by the kiddos.  Again, the allegory and images helped immensely.

I am pasting this pice from Dr. Tipping's site:

Dying Is Flying

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Colin

By way of preparing you for an essay about death and dying coming soon, I am sharing part of a conversation between Jack, a soul who is being prepared for his incarnation, and Harley, his Angel of Incarnation. This excerpt is taken from my eBook entitled A Radical Incarnation and retitled as A Soul Contract for the audio version. This excerpt deals with the notion of death and the fear we have about it. Part Two explains why we need to forgive before we die or before the other guy does.

“Think of the human experience as a spiritual boot camp,” explained Harley. “Like all boot camps, it is designed to build you up by tearing you down until you surrender completely.”

“So what keeps people in the program?” I (Jack), had to ask. “If it’s as unpleasant as it sounds and there appears to be no reason to be doing it, why do people make such a strong point of doing it for as long as they can?”

“Simple,” replied Harley. “The fear of death. The fear of ceasing to exist. That’s what keeps them in the program. You have to hand it to the Ego, Jack. First it seduces you into believing that you are a separate entity, existing alone — separate from other human beings and from the source of infinite supply and security, God — and, to all intents and purposes, independent and self-reliant.

Then it teaches you to fear death — which we up here know to be the way back home — to such a degree that you hang on to life at all costs and never give up trying to keep death away. While it is true that the pain of being separate and alone may be almost unbearable, it is still preferable to the only alternative — death. Fear of death, Jack. That’s what keeps us in the game. Perfect, don’t you think?”

“I guess it is,” I agreed. “But is that the only purpose for making death fearful — to create a kind of prison without bars from which no one wants to escape?

There is more to it than that, Jack. The fear of death raises the bar for achieving a meaningful level of transcendence through the actual death process. If there was little fear, there would be little challenge to it. The journey of life is nothing more than a march towards death, and the purpose of life, my friend, is to face our worst fear and transcend it.”

“How do we transcend it?” I enquired.

http://www.colintipping.com/2013/09/05/dying-is-flying/

"How to Stop the War" ~ YouTube

Sadly, these words are STILL poignant and accurate after 50 years.  It sure does take one back if you were in that empowered sixties decade.  Whatever has happened to the passion of those youth?

And....when will we "get it"????

Surviving (Your Child's) Adolescence: Welcome to the hard half of parenting by Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D. / Psychology Today

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201309/when-parents-call-their-adolescent-lazy"When Parents Call Their Adolescent "Lazy"

"Gaslighting" ~ Santuary for the Abused ~ Cassandra

by Cassandra

Abusers can be masters of disguise and covert operations. He or She hones their skills to expert precision, lest people see through the mask to the ruthless ambition and envy beneath.

Above all, the abuser seeks to keep that mask firmly in place so as not to lose the support of those who’ve been fooled by the outer facade.

This list of characteristics describes abusers and gives an awareness of the techniques used by * Chameleons * who may be male or female.

1. Charming in public – exuding warmth and charm, an abuser smiles and tells jokes, praises and flatters you, outwardly supports you with a show of approval and reassurance, makes you feel valuable and appears to be attentive to your needs.

2. Rumor-monger in private – criticizing you behind your back, he may suggest that you have personal or emotional problems, carefully building a case against you via calculated misinformation passed on to others behind the scenes. He manipulates others into criticizing you and then rewards them for their participation in his plot to undermine your image in every way.

3. Two-faced – He pretends to support you while planning to destroy you; then when you challenge him, he suddenly transforms from supportive to bullying. His soft-spoken manner hides his destructive intentions, his flattering words hide his desire to control you, and his seemingly warm personality hides his take-no-prisoners attitude.

4. Distorts truth and reality – He misleads people by omitting key facts. He’s extremely concerned to preserve an appearance of integrity, all the while withholding significant information. He misleads people by omitting key facts, he quotes hearsay as important and authoritative, then, justifies his opinion by falsely claiming others think the same way.

Master of the half-truth, he miss-states and belittles your viewpoint, asks questions that demean you, then interrupts before you can fully respond, he changes the subject before you can correct his miss-statements, then he adds new false accusations faster than you can respond to the old ones.

5. Hypocritical – His spoken philosophy and behavior don’t match, his words creating a positive image which does not match his actions. He describes his mistakes as minor, but your mistakes as serious, or ignores his own mistakes while always highliting yours. – He calmly demeans you, but is angry because you don’t respect him. Not respecting him = pointing out the inconguities and inconsistencies between who he claims to be and what he actually does and says.

6. Evasive – He acts confused by any complaint about his behavior and always shifts the focus to others. He acts like he is the one who is being victimized. He tries to make you feel guilty for hurting him, accusing you of behavior that was far worse than his and asserting that you are the cause of his bad behavior (if he ever does admit to behaving badly).

7. Pompous – He acts like a know-it-all and never apologizes, unless to prove how rarely he makes a mistake. He’s a prima donna … condescending in words, tone of voice and mannerisms. Every issue which effects him is high drama and he’ll try to demolish the opposition in every discussion to keep the focus on himself.

8. Self-righteous – In order to disguise his corrupt character, he always claims the moral and ethical high ground. He brags about the goodness of his own character while suggesting that others have dubious motives. He frequently talks of his superior ethical standards, implying that others don’t have his high standards and using distorted examples to prove that others are not nearly as superior as he.

9. Obsessed with image – He believes that his image is more important than reality, so he disguises his true emotions and desires. When you see beneath his persona, he will suggest that your actions have hurt his image. Alternatively, he says that your proposed actions (i.e., exposing him) will hurt your own image.

10. Passive-aggressive behaviour: (Anger Expressed Inappropriately)

* Put-downs

* Sarcasm

* Insults

* Rudeness

* Sabotage

* Intimidation

* Belittling Remarks

11. Pretends to care – While pretending to care about others, he is at his most manipulative and dangerous. Most people are taken in by his apparently positive energy, enthusiasm and charisma, but in reality, they are naively being fooled by an attractive personality which hides a morally and ethically corrupt abuser who is coldly and ruthlessly pursuing his own selfish ends.

His expression of affection is tainted with possessiveness and he compliments you only because it serves his purpose. He has a look of concern, but he doesn’t truly respect you.

He pretends to be your friend while tearing you down, destroying your reputation, weakening your position, and exaggerating the importance of your mistakes.

12. Plays the victim – He exaggerates his pain and suffering, trying to make you feel guilty for causing his pain and claiming that you don’t appreciate him.

He becomes angry and indignant when you try to reason with him, then says he is tired of doing all the compromising.

The above list of characteristics describes abusers and gives an awareness of the techniques used by * Chameleons * who may be male or female.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2011/12/emotional-manipulator-skilled.html

"Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families" ~ from Sanctuary for the Abused

10 Commandments of Dysfunctional Families

The First Commandment:
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.

Sample Situation: This commandment is designed to hide family secrets. If you saw dad stagger and fall down the basement steps because he was drunk, you can't tell the truth. instead, reality must be interpreted into an acceptable fantasy. "Daddy wasn't drunk; he simply lost his balance and tripped. Poor Daddy."

Application: Even if you see it, it's not real. You must have made a mistake. Therefore, reinterpret what you saw to make it nice and respectable. If you don't, people will think you're and we're all crazy. We wouldn't want them to think that now, would we? 

Motto: Always believe the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the dysfunctional truth.


The Second Commandment:
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships..

Sample Situation: A dominating father tells his child, "I love you. Now beat it and leave me alone."

Application: You don't really know what's true. Either your father loves you or he hates you. Since you never know for sure, you'll never be quite sure if others really mean what they say since those you loved most only spoke in mixed messages. They sounded good, but you couldn't trust them. 

Motto: Avoid people and relationships. It's the safe thing to do.


The Third Commandment:
Thou shalt be an adult.

Sample Situation: Children were made to take care of their parents emotionally, physically, or sexually and to meet their parents' "childish" needs for power, attention, sex, and belonging. The children submitted to avoid physical and emotional abandonment by their parents. Children in these environments can't really remember a "childhood." For this reason, children were always expected to be adults.

Application: Being child-like and spontaneous is irresponsible and bad. You must act like an adult at all times and be responsible, even if you're only five years old.

Motto: There's no such thing as child's play. It's all serious stuff. 

The Fourth Commandment:
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.

Sample Situation: Daddy has a "secret" that only he and his little girl know. Of course, she can't tell Mommy. If she does, Daddy will hurt you and Mommy might leave and never come back. 

Application: A child's most important duty is to protect the image of their parents and family in the community. Watch what you say and be careful not to act funny around other people either. After all, as family we have to protect each other. If you stay quiet, you're loyal. If you can't, we won't love you. 

Motto: To really love someone is to show loyalty by protecting their "secrets" at all costs.


The Fifth Commandment: 
Thou shalt protect family secrets.

Sample Situation: A member of the family commits suicide. Since this is not acceptable to discuss even in the family, all pictures, memorabilia, and anything else which would indicate that this family member had ever lived here must be discarded. After all, no one in our family would commit suicide, would they???

Application: Our family doesn't have any problems, does it? Even if we did, we don't have to discuss or deal with them. After all, they're not that important. We can simply deny their existence so that we don't have to deal with the grief. 

Motto: Life's too painful to have to deal with the pain and the problems. Just ignore them, they'll go away.


The Sixth Commandment:
Thou shalt not feel.

Sample Situation: A child cries because her best friend is moving away. "You shouldn't feel like that. Stop crying!" yells her mother angrily.

Application: Since any display of emotion might betray the family secrets that all is not perfect, all emotions must be repressed and numbed. After all, we're a normal family. We're not like other people who get angry, sad, or afraid. 

Motto: Be respectable. After all, respectable people never show their emotions or pain..


The Seventh Commandment:
Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated, especially by those who "love" you.

Sample Situation: A child trying to accomplish a task continues to persist and work on it, hoping to gain a sense of accomplishment and approval. "Don't be so stubborn!" mommy says. "Just give up. There' s more important things than that to be done! Now put that stuff away and clean the house so that mommy knows you love her."

Lesson Learned: Anything you want is not worth protecting. Only those you love can tell you what is important and what's not. Quit thinking for yourself and just do what makes everyone else happy.. 

Motto: Because others are more valuable than you, you don't have the right to maintain your own boundaries or to make decisions.


The Seventh Commandment:
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant

Sample Situation: A child is constantly reminded how dangerous the world is. People can't be trusted either. Therefore, stay aloof, don't get too close to anybody.

Lesson Learned: The only way to be safe in this world is to be careful and insulate yourself from others. Be careful. Always be on guard They might hurt you. If you need help, don't ask for their help. Do it yourself. 

Motto: Always be on your guard. The wise person is always over prepared and distrustful of everyone and everything.


The Eighth Commandments:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.

Sample Situation: Parents continually remind the child that no one is to be trusted. If they do something for you, they're doing it to manipulate you.

Lesson Learned: Stay aloof and don't make friends with anybody. After all, if you get too close, they'll use, hurt and abuse you. And remember this: nobody does anything for anyone unless they want something from you. 
Motto: Do everything yourself.


The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect

Sample Situation: "Just because you got all 'A's on your report card doesn't mean that you couldn't have done better. You're lazy. Now get to work and let's see you get some more 'A+'s'!"

Lesson Learned: If it's not perfect, people won't love you. No matter how good it is, it's never good enough...but keep trying! 
Motto: You're only as good as your performance and that's still not good enough!


The Tenth Commandment:
Thou shalt not forgive yourself or others.

Sample Situation: "You're always in my way, child! Why do you keep asking me to play with you? Don't you know I played with you last year? Wasn't that enough?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room. Don't bother me."

Lesson Learned: The only way I can be forgiven and loved is if I can earn it by being perfect. The guiltier I feel, the harder I must work to gain other's approval. If I make any mistakes, even a small one, they'll reject me or think I'm incompetent or worthless. I'm afraid I will make a mistake, I know I will, I feel so guilty. Therefore, even if I think I can do it, I won't. After all, I could make a mistake and then what would I do? Oh, I could never go back and say I'm sorry! 

Motto: Since God doesn't forgive me, I can't forgive you either.

The Ten Commandments Of Dysfunctional Families:

A Summary

The First And Great Commandment Is This:

"Be a "good" person: Be blind, be quiet, be numb, be careful, keep secrets, avoid reality, avoid relationships, don't cry, don't trust, don't feel, be serious, don't talk, don't love and above all, make everyone think you're perfect...even if it makes you feel guilty."

The Second Is Like Unto It:

"Since you're worthless and nobody loves you anyway (including yourself), don't try to change yourself. You're not worth the effort and you couldn't do it if you tried anyway. God won't help you either. So get back where you belong. There's nothing wrong anyway so what's your problem! See, I told you that you were stupid." 

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com