Parentified Children

The Post-StandardSusan Hartman Brenizer is a licensed marriage and family therapist.

By Susan Hartman Brenizer
Guest columnist

Lately we've heard lots about parents who overindulge children to produce the "me" generation. Little attention has been given to those quieter, sensitive children who, even with a well-intentioned parent, can fall into a role therapists call "the parentified child."

In healthy families, very clear boundaries exist between the generations. Adults are the caretakers, giving the love, attention, instruction, and daily care to the children.

A "hole" in the family--(death of a parent, divorce, serious illness or addictions in one parent, long military deployments)--leaves a parental vacuum, and the more emotionally sensitive or responsible child can very easily become "parentified." That child behaves as if he or she were one of the parents, caring for younger siblings and becoming the remaining parent's confidante. Some families even brag of the 10-year-old boy being "the man of the house" after his father dies, or the 11-year-old girl who is "the little mommy" after the divorce.

We used to believe this happened to the first born child, but we now know that is not necessarily so. Usually, it is the more vulnerable or sweet-natured child who shows compassion early on and can be trained easily. Once parentified, this child carries adult responsibilities, as well as secrets and stories, that he or she is not equipped to comprehend.

Why is this so destructive for the child?

Each of us gets one childhood. It's our time for innocence, to play with abandon, to make mistakes, to have one's own fears soothed. A child who is parentified mortgages his or her childhood to the parent. He or she is not allowed to make the normal mistakes of childhood; his or her own emotional authenticity is given up to acting like the responsible one. It is a lonely existence for the child who cannot turn to a parent for help getting through the family trauma, because they are in the position of being there for the parent. Additionally, the other children in the family may come to resent the parentified child.

Research has shown that the practice of parentifying children passes from one generation to the next, which means the parentified child may choose one of his or her own children to play the role later. This has serious consequences for the marital partners one may choose. Commonly, therapists see the grown up parentified child choosing a needy partner, or growing up with unresolved anger that leads to a "controlling" relationship. Both circumstances can produce serious marital problems.

For most parents, casting a child into this role is not a conscious decision. So, what can one do to guard against parentifying a child?

* Should your family suddenly become a single parent household, be aware that you need to pre-empt and shield any of your children from this role.

* If a sensitive, aware child begins to slip into this role, reassure him or her again that you are fine and that his or her job is to play, not to take care of mommy.

* After a divorce or death, say things to the children like, "Just because Daddy is sad right now does not mean that he is not going to get up and make dinner in a few minutes. It also does not mean that I will not be able to take care of you."

* Keep routines and discipline the same as before. This reassures children that the parent is in charge.

* Showing some sadness is normal, and healthy. Save the sobbing or ranting for trusted adults only.

* If you are feeling overwhelmed, don't turn to the children. Seek help from adult friends, extended family, neighbors you trust, a church congregation, a minister or spirtual leader, other single parents, or a therapist or support group.

* Correct, in front of the children, those who may say to your eldest, "Now you are the man of the house," with something like, "Grandma, he may be the eldest, but he is still a child. I have things well under control."

* Talk to your children frequently about their feelings. This can give you a good read on whether a child is feeling responsible or slipping into a parentified role.

* Remember always that children fear abandonment. Continually reassure that just because Mommy left does not mean Daddy will leave.

* Consider consulting a therapist if a child shows signs of excessive worry or concern, depression, or slipping into the parent role. This is more helpful sooner, so the role does not become calcified.

Designing the Good Life

Designing the Good Life

Senate Democrats send Boehner letter saying they won't vote for his debt ceiling plan

Senate Democrats send Boehner letter saying they won't vote for his debt ceiling plan

What's John Boehner promising to the teabaggers?

What's John Boehner promising to the teabaggers?

Republicans hold America hostage for tea party fringe

Republicans hold America hostage for tea party fringe

Attachment and Differentiation in Couples Therapy By Ellyn Bader, Ph.D.

This year's couples conference has now come and gone.  Once again we enjoyed dynamic presentations from state of the art thinkers and practioners, such as Harville Hendrix, Pat Love, Cloe Madanes, Terry Real, Dan Siegel, Stan Tatkin and Jeff Zeig. I meant to share some highlights with you sooner, but got swamped with commitments that always crop up at the end of the training year and then had a wonderful trip to France with Pete and Molly.

I especially loved the panel on "Attachment and Differentiation in Couples Therapy" that I did with Stan Tatkin. I structured this panel into the conference because I believe it is time for people our field to begin integrating the best of these two theories.  Couples therapy is most effective when the therapist knows how to use both attachment and differentiation based interventions and conceptualizations.

For so many couples attachment and connection occurs easily at the beginning of the relationship, when all the endorphins in the brain are supporting the intensity of "falling in love". However, sustaining love is much more difficult.

Primary attachment patterns from early in life become increasingly dominant as partners hurt or disappoint each other.  For example, a woman with an avoidant childhood attachment with her mother may become increasingly avoidant in her marriage as she feels hurt by her husband's deep involvement with his work.  She may shut him out of her social involvements or withdraw into internet chatting. An aloof distance will begin to infect the couple.

Stan discussed the importance of using a modified attachment interview early in therapy to delineate one of four types of attachment: Secure, Resistant/Clinging, Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized for each partner. This interview is conducted with both partners together, so that they can deepen their experience of one another.  Stan also described his experience that using this interview helps avoidant partners become more invested in therapy for themselves.

He stressed the necessity of both therapists and married partners understanding that the adult couple relationship is a primary attachment relationship. And as such it is significantly different from all other relationships. It provides an opportunity for growth as well as a haven of care and protection.

I then discussed differentiation theory. As time passes, partners begin to define their own thoughts, feelings, and desires.  The love chemicals recede and the majority of clinical couples aren't able to maintain a strong positive connection. Instead they encounter moments of deep disappointment with one another and become increasingly self protective, using unsuccessful coping strategies such as blame, withdrawal and resentful compliance.

This propels them headlong into a developmental dilemma. Their self protective mechanisms result in undermining differentiation in one another, and they devolve into pervasive conflict avoidance or serious angry escalating, hostile-dependent patterns.

They are hurt and reeling from the effects of competition, brutal accusations, intermittent accountability, passivity, and too little time together. I described my belief that to overcome this we must be able to help partners develop resilience and manage their inevitable differences to find solutions that incorporate both partners' desires.

When we work to help partners strengthen their differentiation, we enable them to be authentic and open with one another without compromising core values and beliefs. They learn to work effectively with their conflicts and differences, and to negotiate successfully. In this way, differentiation adds to the strengthening of the couple's attachment, and a synergy develops in which the new developmental capacities support ongoing closeness and connection.

I also stressed the need to recognize that differentiation is not:

·         Avoidance or avoidant attachment

·         Pseudo-Autonomy as described in the Gestalt Prayer

·         Individuation-unfolding of unique skills and talents which lead to increased self-esteem, capacities that are often developed away from the relationship in schools, community activities, and hobbies.

Differentiation occurs interpersonally. Sadly, unfolding differentiation frightens many partners because it signals that "we are different". I believe this can trigger primitive anxiety - fear of being left or cast out. In their attempts to calm this anxiety, partners often try to inhibit growth in one another. They may also expect a lot from the other and little from themselves. They may deceive themselves about their own role in the problem.

One glorious part of being a couples therapist is the daily opportunity to support loving connection and individual growth at the same time, which brings me back to my opening thought: it is time for our field to begin integrating the best of Attachment and Differentiation theories.

ALERT! Watch Bath and Body Works soap!!!

Sometimes I don't wash my hands with soap and water. I just can't bring
> myself to use a product that causes all sorts of health problems and will
> exist in our environment forever. What ingredient is so repulsive that I'm
> willing to walk to find dish soap in the kitchen to use or just forgo the
> soap all together? Triclosan.
>
> I wonder what it is about Bath & Body Works' "antibacterial" soap that
> people are so drawn to. It comes in gift baskets and as prizes at baby
> showers and bachelorette parties, and it's in my friends' bathrooms. While
> it may come in sweet or fruity scents like "sugar lemon fizz" or "tangelo
> orange twist" to get the attention of young girls and women, their
> antibacterial soap contains a toxic chemical called triclosan. I can't help
> but wonder if the audience that Bath & Body Works targets even knows what
> triclosan is, and whether the company even cares.
>
> Can you ask Bath & Body Works to discontinue the use of triclosan in their
> products?
>
> Triclosan poses serious environmental health hazards by disrupting hormones,
> even lowering sperm counts in animals. After it is washed down the drain, it
> pollutes our waterways and can transform into dioxins, a class of chemicals
> some consider to be the most toxic. Bath & Body Works heavily markets their
> products containing triclosan to girls and young women, leading them to
> believe that they need antibacterial soaps. But the truth is, antibacterial
> soaps are no more effective than regular soap and water. In fact, using
> antibacterial soaps may be worse, even leading to antibiotic resistant bacteria.
>
> We need to ask Bath & Body Works to stop using triclosan. Other major
> companies, like Colgate Palmolive, have agreed to eliminate triclosan from
> some of their products. Why can't Bath & Body Works stop using triclosan
> too?
>
> Send the Bath & Body Works' CEO a message today:
> http://action.foodandwaterwatch.org/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=7319
>
>
> Thanks for taking action,
>

Please Tell Me if I'm Getting This Right

Please Tell Me if I'm Getting This Right

House Democratic Leaders To Obama: Use The 14th Amendment

by Jennifer Bendery/HP

First Posted: 7/27/11 12:18 PM ET Updated: 7/27/11 03:35 PM ET

WASHINGTON -- House Democratic leaders emerged from a Wednesday Caucus meeting with a message for President Barack Obama: Invoke the Constitution to resolve the debt standoff.

If Congress can't reach a deal on a long-term debt limit increase by August 2, Obama should "sign an executive order invoking the 14th Amendment," said Assistant Minority Leader James Cyburn (D-S.C.).

"I am convinced that whatever discussions about the legality of that can continue," Clyburn said. "But I believe that something like this will bring calm to the American people and will bring needed stability to our financial markets."

House Democratic Caucus Chairman John Larson (D-Conn.) acknowledged that Obama has previously expressed doubts about his legal authority to unilaterally raise the debt limit. But circumstances have changed, Larson said, and "we just want to let him know that his Caucus is prepared to stand behind him" if Congress fails to pass a long-term deal.

"We have to have a fail-safe mechanism," Larson said. "We believe that fail-safe mechanism is the 14th Amendment and the president of the United States."

Section 4 of the 14th Amendment states: “The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payments of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned.” Essentially, Democrats are arguing that since the "public debt" cannot be questioned, then the debt ceiling itself is unconstitutional.

Democratic Senators have been eying this option since late June. Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del.), an attorney, predicted at that time the the constitutional option may get "a pretty strong second look as a way of saying, 'Is there some way to save us from ourselves?'"

With time running out on Congress to come up with a bipartisan plan by next Tuesday to avert a debt default, Clyburn put the constitutional option back on the table in the Wednesday caucus meeting and got strong support from Members. But he said he has yet to bring it back up to Obama.

"I speak with the White House often," Clyburn told reporters. "I have not spoken to them today."

Former President Bill Clinton has said he would invoke that option "without hesitation" and leave it to the courts to figure it out.

UPDATE: 3:35 p.m. -- White House Press Secretary Jay Carney again ruled out the possibility of Obama using the 14th Amendment to resolve the debt dispute.

"Our position hasn't changed," Carney said during his Wednesday briefing. "There are no off-ramps. ... Only Congress has the legal authority."

John Boehner lied. A bunch

 The author supposes you’ll be wanting some details. Steven Benen has a few. Noting that Speaker John Boehner’s response to President Obama’s Monday night speech was characterized by its “breathtaking dishonesty,” 


John Boehner lied. A bunch

Near-Death Experience: A Deeply Inspiring Near-Death Experience

Mellen-Thomas Benedict is an artist who survived a near-death experience (NDE) in 1982. He was dead for over an hour and a half. During that time, he rose up out of his body and went into the light. Curious about the universe, he was taken far into the remote depths of existence, and even beyond, into the energetic void of nothingness behind the Big Bang. Eminent near-death experience researcher Dr. Kenneth Ring has said, "His story is one of the most remarkable I have encountered in my extensive research on near-death experiences."

TO CONTINUE, CLICK LINK:

Near-Death Experience: A Deeply Inspiring Near-Death Experience

CALL CONGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The President spoke last night about the need for Congress to come together to meet our financial obligations by raising the so-called "debt ceiling" -- that is, to make sure our country can pay the bills Congress has already racked up.

You'd think this would be fairly straightforward. For many years, regardless of party affiliation, presidents have asked Congress to do this when it's been necessary -- and every time, Congress has acted. Just as an example, Congress granted Ronald Reagan's request to raise the debt ceiling 18 different times.

Here's what's happening: President Obama proposed the balanced approach of raising the debt ceiling paired with responsible steps to reduce our country's long-term debt -- asking oil companies, corporations, and the richest Americans to do their part rather than placing the entire burden on seniors and the middle class.

A deal has been close at times, but an ideological faction of House Republicans has been effectively holding our economy hostage -- making extreme demands like ending Medicare as we know it, gutting Social Security, and rejecting any compromises that might make millionaires or big corporations pay their fair share to get our debt under control.

So last night, President Obama spoke to the nation and made a suggestion to everyone watching: Call Congress and ask them to do their job. Since then, there have been reports that the flood of calls and emails has been slowing down the phone systems and websites on Capitol Hill. But keep trying until you get through -- they need to hear from you.

According to our records:

You're represented in the Senate by: Richard Burr --  (202) 224-3154
And in the House of Representatives by: Howard Coble -- (202) 225-3065

And House Speaker John Boehner -- who is leading the Republicans in negotiations -- could stand to hear what Americans like you think, too. His number is (202) 225-0600.

Call them now -- and tell them we can't afford to let politics hold our economy hostage. It's time to put ideological demands aside and agree to a balanced approach. Then click here to let us know how it went.

Here's what the President said last night:

"The American people may have voted for divided government, but they didn't vote for a dysfunctional government. So I'm asking you all to make your voice heard. If you want a balanced approach to reducing the deficit, let your member of Congress know. If you believe we can solve this problem through compromise, send that message."

The President doesn't make a direct request of all of us like this very often. Take a minute right now to call your members of Congress -- then let us know how it went:

http://my.barackobama.com/Debt-Deal-Calls

Thanks,

Messina

P.S. -- If you missed it, here's the full video of the President's speech. Watch it and spread the word:

http://my.barackobama.com/Debt-Deal-Video

Gates Foundation partner forces vaccines on Malawian children at gunpoint, arrests parents

http://www.naturalnews.com/033119_vaccinations_gunpoint.html




Monday, July 25, 2011 by: Ethan A. Huff, staff writer


Get your shots, or else get shot. That is the message being sent by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and its partners in Africa that are helping the organization achieve its goal of vaccinating every single child on the planet (http://www.naturalnews.com/032900_B…).
According to a recent report in theMalawi Voice, at least 131 Malawian children were vaccinated this week at gunpoint after having previously fled the country with their parents to avoid the mandatory jabs.
Reports indicate that a number of children and their parents belonging to Zion and Atumwi Churches fled the southeast African country of Malawi to neighboring Mozambique a few months ago in order to avoid a measles vaccine campaign.
Upon recently returning, officials apparently learned of the unvaccinated children’s whereabouts and, with the help of Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation allies, forcibly injected them at gunpoint with the vaccines.
“We were alerted that some children who were hiding in Mozambique were back in the country and we asked police to escort the health officials in order to vaccinate them, and we have managed to vaccinate about 131 children,” said Dr. Medison Matchaya, District Health Officer in Nsanje, Malawi, to theMalawi Voice.
The faith and personal beliefs of the children and their parents obviously convinced them that the vaccines were not a good idea — and as individual human beings, they have every human right to deny any form of forced “medicine” that violates their convictions or risks putting their health at serious risk — which is why they were willing to flee in the first place.
But thanks to programs launched and promoted by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, these and many other Africans no longer have a choice but to accept forced vaccinations or face being murdered by police.
Gates Foundation supports ‘health surveillance assistants’ program responsible for pushing vaccines at gunpoint
In January 2010, Melinda Gates took a special trip to Malawi to see how the country was progressing at achieving the United Nation’s Millennium Development Goals, which include “ending poverty” by 2015.
In a video posting at the Gates Foundation website, Melinda lauds Malawi’s efforts to reduce child mortality, which include the establishment of 11,000 “health surveillance assistants” that she says “spend three weeks out in the villages … providing basic vaccinations … and they make sure the vaccinations happen not just at the village level, but all the way back through the system” (http://www.gatesfoundation.org/mate…).
And just how do these “health surveillance assistants” make sure that the vaccinations happen? By forcing villagers to get them at gunpoint which, of course, is not mentioned in Melinda’s video blog. If you simply watch the video and accept it at face value, you will be left with the false impression that the Malawi government’s health initiatives are nothing but benevolent efforts to help people that want it.
In reality, the “health surveillance assistants” that Melinda speaks of are more like health care police that, with the backing of actual armed police, force villagers and those “all the way back through the system,” as Melinda puts it, to get vaccinated whether they want to or not.
And if they refuse, they can literally be arrested and thrown in jail, or potentially even murdered. This is the dirty reality behind the “humanitarian” efforts of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.
Gates Foundation vaccine campaigns are creating totalitarian health care police states
The message emanating from the likes of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and its partners in Malawi is very clear: accept our vaccines or face legal punishment.
Though it is quickly diminishing even in the US, the freedom to not vaccinate is something that most states still respect, whether it be for personal, religious, or health reasons. But in developing countries that have been targeted by groups like the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, this is simply no longer the case.
The sameMalawi Voicearticle reports that Chipiliro Kalimira, a member of the Seventh Day Apostolic faith that does not believe in vaccines, was arrested and put in prison on a two-year term for refusing to let authorities force the measles vaccine on his three children.
Kalimira cares for a number of orphans at his home in addition to his own children, and has asked the court to be lenient with him, but it refused. Instead, the court sentenced him to 24 months imprisonment with “hard labor.”
Freedom of vaccination choice simply does not fit the agenda of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. And the group, by its very nature, is complicit in helping to establish the types of dictatorial health care police states that are willing to arrest parents for not vaccinating their children, by the mere fact that it continues to support them.
The Gates Foundation will never come right out and say that it supports forced vaccinations at gunpoint — that, of course, would be bad public relations. But by wrapping its “humanitarian” efforts in pleasant rhetoric accompanied by heart-wrenching photos of poor Africans — all while hiding what is really taking place behind the scenes — the Gates Foundation is demonstrating that its efforts are far from benign, and, dare we say, evil.
Sources for this story include:
http://rabble.ca/rabbletv/program-g…

Playing+Politics+with+Gasoline+Prices

Playing+Politics+with+Gasoline+Prices

CIA Secret Experiments

CIA Secret Experiments

Parental Alienation Syndrome - The Parent Child Disconnect

Parental Alienation Syndrome — The Parent/Child Disconnect

By Amy J. L. Baker, PhDSocial Work Today
Vol. 8 No. 6 P. 26

Divorce and separation can breed bad blood between parents and children when one partner uses the children to target the other partner.

Among the many areas of concern for social workers working with divorced or separated couples with children are two related problems: parental alienation, or the efforts on the part of one parent to turn a child against the other parent, and parental alienation syndrome, or a child’s unwarranted rejection of one parent in response to the attitudes and actions of the other parent. Social workers may encounter these problems in a number of settings, such as family service agencies, schools, and family court, as well as in private practice working with high-conflict divorcing couples, parents who believe that the other parent has or will turn the children against them, alienated children refusing to see a parent, adults who are still alienated from a parent, or elders who have “lost” their children to parental alienation. (Click link to continue.....)

http://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/102708p26.shtml

Adult Children Of Alcoholics/ ACAs ACOAs Blog: 16 Characteristics Of Adult Children

Adult Children Of Alcoholics/ ACAs ACOAs Blog: 16 Characteristics Of Adult Children: "I really get a lot out of seeing the 'Laundry List' in an alternative interpretation. A different wording adds a new perspective and fresh ..."

UFO Cover-up

UFO Cover-up

How to Spot a Narcissist

By SAMUEL LÓPEZ DE VICTORIA, PH.D.

At the core of extreme narcissism is egotistical preoccupation with self, personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how he/she is perceived by others. Some amount of basic narcissism is healthy, of course, but this type of narcissism is better termed as responsibly taking care of oneself. It is what I would call “normal” or “healthy” narcissism.
Extreme narcissists tend to be persons who move towards eventually cutting others off and becoming emotionally isolated. There are all types of levels on that road to isolation. Narcissists come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees. I would like to address how a person becomes an extreme narcissist.
Narcissism, in lay terms, basically means that a person is totally absorbed in self. The extreme narcissist is the center of his own universe. To an extreme narcissist, people are things to be used. It usually starts with a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he/she has a major attachment dysfunction. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood. He/she became emotionally stuck at the time of his/her major trauma of separation/attachment.
In my work with extreme narcissist patients I have found that their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma. This trauma was devastating to the point it almost killed that person emotionally. The pain never was totally gone and the bleeding was continuous. In order to survive, this child had to construct a protective barrier that insulates him/her from the external world of people. He/she generalized that all people are harmful and cannot be trusted.
The protective insulation barrier he/she constructed is called a false persona. He/she created a false identity. This identity is not the true person inside. The many types of false personas or identities that an extreme narcissist creates can vary.
Some narcissists may have the ability to change into a variety of identities according to the situation. The wounded child inside may choose to present a front as a “bad ass” and tough individual. He/she may look, by appearance, intimidating and scary to the average person. He could also play the “nice guy/person” whom everyone likes. A corporate type version can be one that is diplomatic, proper, and appearing to care but in reality does not. Another very likeable extreme narcissist can be the one that chooses the comedian role. He/she is the life of the party and has everyone in stitches, making them laugh constantly. Everyone wants to include this person because they are a lot of fun.
Try to get close or ask personal questions as to how he/she is internally doing and feeling and you will find is that he/she will quickly distract you. They will sidestep the question with another joke, making you suddenly forget what you were asking. Narcissists can be very skilled at dodging and ducking personal questions. If you press them, they will then slot you as “unsafe” and will begin to avoid you and exclude you from their life.
There is also the success oriented narcissist. He/she will be your friend and keep you close to him/her as long as you are useful. Once you do not have anything more to offer and he/she has taken all they wanted from you, you are history. You are no longer desired, wanted, or sought.
I remember a significant half dozen of these in my life. One narcissist in particular avoids me like the plague because he knows that I do not ultimately plan my life around whether people like me or not. Hence my behavior cannot be controlled by him. He is threatened by my self-assuredness. I’m not safe to him. It does not matter that I have helped him in critical moments of his life. When he realized that he could not control me to make him look good when I was with him, he dropped me like a heavy weight. I received no more phone calls and was taken off his radar screen.
Another extreme narcissist stopped calling me when I got my Ph.D. I believe that, in his insecurity, he could no longer look “better” than me and be the focal person. As a result, he felt threatened that I had a more powerful image than he did. I think it is silly because I do not care about whether people have degrees to validate their intrinsic value as a human being.
In my ministerial past, I have had several colleagues that I considered to be like blood brothers. We had sworn honesty and loyalty to each other. Once I opened up my weaknesses to them and then asked them to reciprocate, they looked for excuses to label me and reject me. The more I pressed them about their lack of being forthcoming and failing at their own promise of commitment to the friendship, the more vehement they became at avoiding disclosure of their warts to me. Of course, I already knew many of their flaws and already had no problem accepting them. Now it was their turn and they shut down and put up the thick wall.
This is what genuine narcissists do. This is sad but it happens all the time with individuals that are scared to go down the road to becoming whole and healthy. It is like going under the knife of a surgeon. When there is a legitimate organic threat as with a malignant tumor, it can be hard to submit to the truth and then the treatment. This, however, is a door to a better life.
Is there hope for an extreme narcissist living in an emotional and relational fort of isolation. Is a narcissist able to have a healthy life? Definitely! I’ve seen many extreme narcissists become extremely healthy in their emotional and relational life. The first step is to find competent and safe help that knows how to heal emotional traumas. Just because a counselor may have all kinds of credentials it does not mean they are competent in dealing effectively with trauma issues. Because extreme narcissists tend to have an early history of emotional wounds they are full of distrust. If they can get past this hurdle then they can begin to find help to heal.
Second, extreme narcissists have to be willing to enter the realm of their feelings again. They have been the masters of covering and hiding, even to themselves. They now have to start uncovering painful wounds. They have taught themselves to stuff and disconnect their own feelings for years. Because of this, they tend to live inside their heads, in the realm of so called reason. They are likely to live in the world of rational principles, laws, rules, which are all linear. This domain is a realm they feel they can control. It is devoid of feelings. The realm of the heart or feelings is very intimidating and unsafe to them because it is non-linear and there is very little control of the outcomes. If extreme narcissists can overcome these two hurdles then there is much hope for them. They are on their road to healing.