How to Spot a Narcissist

By SAMUEL LÓPEZ DE VICTORIA, PH.D.

At the core of extreme narcissism is egotistical preoccupation with self, personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how he/she is perceived by others. Some amount of basic narcissism is healthy, of course, but this type of narcissism is better termed as responsibly taking care of oneself. It is what I would call “normal” or “healthy” narcissism.
Extreme narcissists tend to be persons who move towards eventually cutting others off and becoming emotionally isolated. There are all types of levels on that road to isolation. Narcissists come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees. I would like to address how a person becomes an extreme narcissist.
Narcissism, in lay terms, basically means that a person is totally absorbed in self. The extreme narcissist is the center of his own universe. To an extreme narcissist, people are things to be used. It usually starts with a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he/she has a major attachment dysfunction. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood. He/she became emotionally stuck at the time of his/her major trauma of separation/attachment.
In my work with extreme narcissist patients I have found that their emotional age and maturity corresponds to the age they experienced their major trauma. This trauma was devastating to the point it almost killed that person emotionally. The pain never was totally gone and the bleeding was continuous. In order to survive, this child had to construct a protective barrier that insulates him/her from the external world of people. He/she generalized that all people are harmful and cannot be trusted.
The protective insulation barrier he/she constructed is called a false persona. He/she created a false identity. This identity is not the true person inside. The many types of false personas or identities that an extreme narcissist creates can vary.
Some narcissists may have the ability to change into a variety of identities according to the situation. The wounded child inside may choose to present a front as a “bad ass” and tough individual. He/she may look, by appearance, intimidating and scary to the average person. He could also play the “nice guy/person” whom everyone likes. A corporate type version can be one that is diplomatic, proper, and appearing to care but in reality does not. Another very likeable extreme narcissist can be the one that chooses the comedian role. He/she is the life of the party and has everyone in stitches, making them laugh constantly. Everyone wants to include this person because they are a lot of fun.
Try to get close or ask personal questions as to how he/she is internally doing and feeling and you will find is that he/she will quickly distract you. They will sidestep the question with another joke, making you suddenly forget what you were asking. Narcissists can be very skilled at dodging and ducking personal questions. If you press them, they will then slot you as “unsafe” and will begin to avoid you and exclude you from their life.
There is also the success oriented narcissist. He/she will be your friend and keep you close to him/her as long as you are useful. Once you do not have anything more to offer and he/she has taken all they wanted from you, you are history. You are no longer desired, wanted, or sought.
I remember a significant half dozen of these in my life. One narcissist in particular avoids me like the plague because he knows that I do not ultimately plan my life around whether people like me or not. Hence my behavior cannot be controlled by him. He is threatened by my self-assuredness. I’m not safe to him. It does not matter that I have helped him in critical moments of his life. When he realized that he could not control me to make him look good when I was with him, he dropped me like a heavy weight. I received no more phone calls and was taken off his radar screen.
Another extreme narcissist stopped calling me when I got my Ph.D. I believe that, in his insecurity, he could no longer look “better” than me and be the focal person. As a result, he felt threatened that I had a more powerful image than he did. I think it is silly because I do not care about whether people have degrees to validate their intrinsic value as a human being.
In my ministerial past, I have had several colleagues that I considered to be like blood brothers. We had sworn honesty and loyalty to each other. Once I opened up my weaknesses to them and then asked them to reciprocate, they looked for excuses to label me and reject me. The more I pressed them about their lack of being forthcoming and failing at their own promise of commitment to the friendship, the more vehement they became at avoiding disclosure of their warts to me. Of course, I already knew many of their flaws and already had no problem accepting them. Now it was their turn and they shut down and put up the thick wall.
This is what genuine narcissists do. This is sad but it happens all the time with individuals that are scared to go down the road to becoming whole and healthy. It is like going under the knife of a surgeon. When there is a legitimate organic threat as with a malignant tumor, it can be hard to submit to the truth and then the treatment. This, however, is a door to a better life.
Is there hope for an extreme narcissist living in an emotional and relational fort of isolation. Is a narcissist able to have a healthy life? Definitely! I’ve seen many extreme narcissists become extremely healthy in their emotional and relational life. The first step is to find competent and safe help that knows how to heal emotional traumas. Just because a counselor may have all kinds of credentials it does not mean they are competent in dealing effectively with trauma issues. Because extreme narcissists tend to have an early history of emotional wounds they are full of distrust. If they can get past this hurdle then they can begin to find help to heal.
Second, extreme narcissists have to be willing to enter the realm of their feelings again. They have been the masters of covering and hiding, even to themselves. They now have to start uncovering painful wounds. They have taught themselves to stuff and disconnect their own feelings for years. Because of this, they tend to live inside their heads, in the realm of so called reason. They are likely to live in the world of rational principles, laws, rules, which are all linear. This domain is a realm they feel they can control. It is devoid of feelings. The realm of the heart or feelings is very intimidating and unsafe to them because it is non-linear and there is very little control of the outcomes. If extreme narcissists can overcome these two hurdles then there is much hope for them. They are on their road to healing.

Gang of Six Plan....."..not so fast"...says Bernie Sanders

http://www.thenation.com/blog/162166/gang-six-plan-not-so-fast-says-bernie-sanders

Software Designer Reports Error in Anthony Trial

This one search was made only days subsequent to Casey's having seen that graphic about chloroform on her boyfriend's MySpace page.
July 11, 2011~ The New York Times

By LIZETTE ALVAREZ

MIAMI — Assertions by the prosecution that Casey Anthony conducted extensive computer searches on the word “chloroform” were based on inaccurate data, a software designer who testified at the trial said Monday.

The designer, John Bradley, said Ms. Anthony had visited what the prosecution said was a crucial Web site only once, not 84 times, as prosecutors had asserted. He came to that conclusion after redesigning his software, and immediately alerted prosecutors and the police about the mistake, he said.

The finding of 84 visits was used repeatedly during the trial to suggest that Ms. Anthony had planned to murder her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee, who was found dead in 2008. Ms. Anthony, who could have faced the death penalty, was acquitted of the killing on July 5.

According to Mr. Bradley, chief software developer of CacheBack, used by the police to verify the computer searches, the term “chloroform” was searched once through Google. The Google search then led to a Web site, sci-spot.com, that was visited only once, Mr. Bradley added. The Web site offered information on the use of chloroform in the 1800s.

The Orange County Sheriff’s Office had used the software to validate its finding that Ms. Anthony had searched for information about chloroform 84 times, a conclusion that Mr. Bradley says turned out to be wrong. Mr. Bradley said he immediately alerted a prosecutor, Linda Drane Burdick, and Sgt. Kevin Stenger of the Sheriff’s Office in late June through e-mail and by telephone to tell them of his new findings. Mr. Bradley said he conducted a second analysis after discovering discrepancies that were never brought to his attention by prosecutors or the police.

Mr. Bradley’s findings were not presented to the jury and the record was never corrected, he said. Prosecutors are required to reveal all information that is exculpatory to the defense.

“I gave the police everything they needed to present a new report,” Mr. Bradley said. “I did the work myself and copied out the entire database in a spreadsheet to make sure there was no issue of accessibility to the data.”

Mr. Bradley, chief executive of Siquest, a Canadian company, said he even volunteered to fly to Orlando at his own expense to show them the findings.

Cheney Mason, one of Ms. Anthony’s defense lawyers, said it was “outrageous” that prosecutors withheld critical information on the “chloroform” searches.

“The prosecution is absolutely obligated to bring forth to the court any and all evidence that could be exculpatory,” Mr. Mason said. “If in fact this is true, and the prosecution concealed this new information, it is more than shame on them. It is outrageous.”

“This was a major part of their case,” Mr. Mason added.

The State Attorney’s Office in Orlando did not return messages seeking comment.

Capt. Angelo Nieves, media relations commander for the Orange County Sheriff’s Office, said Mr. Bradley had a vested interest in coming forward since his software was used in the investigation.

“We’re not going to relive the trial again,” Captain Nieves said. “We are not prepared to do that nor are we going to participate in that.”

A former Canadian police sergeant who specializes in computer forensic analysis, Mr. Bradley said he first became suspicious of the data after he testified on June 8. He said he had been called to testify by the prosecution about his CacheBack software. Instead, he was asked repeatedly about the Sheriff’s Office report detailing the 84 search hits on “chloroform,” which he had not seen.

“I had translated the data into something meaningful for the police,” he said. “Then I turned it over to them. The No. 1 principle for them is to validate the data, and they had the tools and resources to do it. They chose not to.”

Soon after giving testimony, Mr. Bradley learned during the defense portion of the case that the police had written a first report in August 2008 detailing Ms. Anthony’s history of Internet searches. That report used NetAnalysis, a different software.

Despite his appearance as a witness, Mr. Bradley said he was never told about that first report either by the police, with whom he had been in contact, or the prosecution.

Of the search results in both reports relating to chloroform, only one hit was found for sci-spot.com. That site was visited once, according to NetAnalysis, and visited 84 times, according to the CacheBack analysis.

Concerned that the analysis using CacheBack could be wrong and that a woman’s life might be at stake, Mr. Bradley went back to the drawing board and redesigned a portion of his software to get a more accurate picture.

He found both reports were inaccurate (although NetAnalysis came up with the correct result), in part because it appears both types of software had failed to fully decode the entire file, due to its complexity. His more thorough analysis showed that the Web site sci-spot.com was visited only once — not 84 times.

Mr. Bradley, fearing that jurors were being given false information based on his data, contacted the police and the prosecution the weekend of June 25. He asked Sergeant Stenger about the discrepancy, and the sergeant said he was aware of it, Mr. Bradley said. He waited to see if prosecutors would correct the record. They did not.

“They needed to get that right,” Mr. Bradley said.

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Life Coaching Those Obsessed With the Casey Anthony Trial

By Nancy Colasurdo

Published July 08, 2011 

Dear Fellow Americans –

Please feel free to skip right by this if you have no idea who Casey Anthony is or if you know who she is but you’ve managed to live your life without catching a single moment of her murder trial. (Congratulations on that, by the way. No small feat.)

Instead, this is directed to those of you who have latched on to a murder trial featuring a family you’ve never met to the point where you have rearranged your schedules, spewed vitriol, hung on to every word and expression in the courtroom and taken a nice hot bath in self-righteousness.

.

Before you started firing off comments to me on Casey Anthony’s every twitch and the merits of the case against her, you should know it will fall on deaf ears. My only interest in this is to understand what has become a national obsession to the point where I was slack-jawed reading the status updates and comments on my Facebook page and Twitter feed. That doesn’t even include the actual conversations I’ve overheard or extricated myself from because the tone became hostile.

I am sad that a little girl died and I know you are, too. But here’s some perspective -- what about all the others?

According to the FBI’s “Crime in the United States” report, there were 1,494 people under the age of 18 murdered in 2008. More than 500 of those were under age four. Aside from Caylee Anthony, can you name one other victim? In 2009, the total was 1,348 and nearly 500 of those were under age four. How many of them have you left your porch light on for in the name of justice?

Somewhere Sigmund Freud’s head is spinning from all the projection and displaced anger going on around this. I think it’s worth asking ourselves why this case got snared in the American consciousness and what it means in our individual lives. Clearly we need to express frustration and anger and this has provided an outlet.

Casey Anthony has been called a slew of names and she’s been wished dead more times than I can count and the possible ways for her to meet her demise have been detailed. There has been discussion of her karma as well as her lack of tears.

This is a lot of energy expended on a stranger, folks. If you’re in that mix, perhaps it’s time to dig in and figure out why this has affected you so deeply.

For example, if you are struggling to have children, it’s natural to feel frustrated when you perceive someone like Anthony has succeeded in that and squandered it. It’s understandably human to ask why and even have some confusion and/or resentment, but ultimately you have to know railing at a stranger to the level where your blood pressure is rising isn’t going to bring you a baby.

Ditto for all the other possibilities that have you getting so emotionally involved in one woman’s story.

There’s another way to go here.

Ideally, the fever pitch around the Casey Anthony trial could spur action for children in need. If there is time to watch hours of coverage and craft status updates, there is time to funnel the energy into something more productive. One Facebook friend posted a terrific suggestion -- get better acquainted with a Web site for missing kids.

That’s an easy, surface-level idea that requires only time on the Internet. But you can always take it up a notch. Write a check. Write regular checks if you can. Target causes that help make children’s health and well-being a priority.

Just Tell Director Vivian Farmery would be all too happy to let you release your frustration at the mistreatment of children by contributing to Just Tell, whose mission is, according to its Web site, “to educate and empower children and adults around the issue of childhood sexual abuse.”

Need I mention St. Jude’s Hospital? What better place to bring your compassion for children? No extra cash? They appreciate volunteers, too.

So does Big Brothers Big Sisters. Becoming a “big” is an opportunity to affect a child’s life one-on-one in a meaningful and steady way.

This is just a tiny sampling of the organizations that could use your support.

That kind of giving of your time, talent or treasure will not bring back Caylee Anthony or any other murdered child, but it will help you feel like you’re doing something to make a child’s world better. And your world will subsequently improve by leaps and bounds because of your kind actions.

So how about it? Might we harness this energy and fuel a movement for positive change? Will you heed the call?

That would honor Caylee Anthony more than any trumped-up outrage or shining porch lights ever could.

Sincerely,

Nancy

Nancy Colasurdo is a practicing life coach and freelance writer. Her Web site is www.nancola.com.

Casey Anthony: Making a Case for Compassion

Published on Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

By Sensei Morris Sekiyo Sullivan

Created Jul 11 2011 

I live in Central Florida, where the Casey Anthony case has been in the forefront of the community consciousness for several years, and where the outcome of her trial was received with very strong emotions. Like the O.J. Simpson trial, the Anthony case fueled a controversy rife with feelings of animosity, distrust and betrayal....and displaced feelings. However, rather than participate in the controversy over her guilt or innocence, perhaps we can use our feelings about this particular tragedy as an opportunity for spiritual growth.


For a Buddhist, there are good religious reasons to abandon anger and cultivate kindness. However, there are also ample mental health-related incentives for transcending ill will and cultivating compassion - or at least what Albert Ellis termed unconditional other-acceptance - for the Casey Anthonys of the world.


One of the sutras relates a conversation between the Buddha and his son, Rahula, a novice monk. The Buddha begins by asking his son, "What is a mirror for?" He goes on to explain that just as Rahula might use the reflection in a mirror to examine his face, he can use his awareness to reflect on his actions of body, speech and mind.
If, on such reflection, Rahula finds himself engaging in a harmful mental, verbal or physical act, he should abandon it. If he finds the action is helpful, he can continue it and even cultivate it. Like Rahula, we can use our minds to reflect on our Casey Anthony-related acts of body, speech and mind and determine whether to abandon or cultivate them.


I suspect the typical thoughts that fuel animosity toward Anthony go something like this: "Casey Anthony did a terrible thing, so she is a terrible person who deserves damnation. Because she's so evil, she must be punished, and anyone who could have but didn't punish her is also a terrible person who deserves damnation."


As I mentioned in my previous post, The Buddha and Albert Ellis: The Eightfold Path Meets the ABCs of REBT, global self-rating is irrational and leads to stress and difficulty. Just as it is unskillful to rate one's ever-changing, indefinable "self," it is equally irrational to rate another's "self."


Let's use our mindfulness as a mirror to reflect on the most prominent of these other-rating views, "Because Casey Anthony did a terrible thing, she is a terrible person." We'll disregard the question of guilt: The irrationality (or ignorance, in Buddhist terms) has little to do with whether or not she is guilty, but whether or not her guilt makes her a "terrible person."


First, we can ask ourselves, "Is there evidence to prove the belief that if someone does a bad thing, he or she is a bad person?"
The answer is no-there is no evidence that Anthony is "bad" because she did a bad thing. A bad person could only do bad things, but we know all people do both good things and bad things, so there's no way this one terrible act makes her a terrible person.


In fact, we can now answer our second question, "Is there evidence that belief is false?" Anthony doubtless has some good qualities, so she can't possibly be a "bad person." Even if we could find very few good qualities in her, there is no reason she couldn't go on to do many good things in her lifetime.


Next, we can weigh the disadvantages of hanging on to such beliefs and the disadvantages of relinquishing them. What happens if we continue believing that someone who does a bad thing is therefore a thoroughly bad, damnable person? We will probably continue to get angry when people in the news-and in our personal lives-do bad things.


If we look closely into our hearts and minds, we discover that anger includes some pretty unpleasant sensations. We now see that these unpleasant feelings are the result of our mental processes, not the situation itself. If we can transcend the irrational mental formations at the source of our anger, we can end the suffering!


Freed from this filter of rage, we can now clearly see Anthony as another being who, like us, our friends and our loved ones, is suffering the universal dukkha of aging, illness and impermanence. She has also lost her child. I've heard people discount that, using the perception that she may not feel exhibit adequate remorse as further evidence of her "terribleness." However, if this mother is not suffering from this loss, what kind of suffering must she have endured to get that way?


Cultivating compassion for Casey Anthony won't cost you anything, but it will benefit you by helping you develop the capacity for compassion, which is a great strength. If you're still feeling anger or other distress over the case, here are a few things to try:


(1)   Work towards non-animosity for Anthony by accepting that she, like you, is an imperfect being struggling with the effects of past karma.


(2)   Cultivate compassion for everyone involved in this case: Along with Anthony herself and her family, this case involved judges, lawyers, law enforcement officers, jurors and their friends and families. Each of them have performed good actions and have good characteristics, and each have performed some unskillful actions and have negative characteristics. See if you can have compassion for the entire group.


(3)   Cultivate some compassion for yourself. Recognize that you have caused yourself distress by generating feelings of anger or hopelessness, for example, and resolve to ease your own suffering without condemning yourself for it: You, too, inherited the effects of past karma.


(4)   Rather than being resentful or feeling hopeless about the lack of "justice," perhaps you can help prevent future similar situations. Consider donating to or volunteering for community organizations that aid families in crisis or ask your state representative to increase resources for agencies that assist children and families.

Corporal punishment: Mothers' self-recorded audio gives unique real-time view of spanking

Corporal punishment: Mothers' self-recorded audio gives unique real-time view of spanking

Moment of Love, Heart Love

Moment of Love, Heart Love

A Gallery of Archetypes from Caroline Myss

The archetypes listed here in boldface type are just a few of the many ancient patterns that exist in human consciousness. Many additional archetypes that are closely related are mentioned in parentheses, such as Hermit (found under Mystic), Therapist (under Healer), or Pirate (under Rebel). Please read through the entire list, looking at all the archetypes in parentheses, before assuming that the one you're looking for isn't here. Naturally, it's impossible to list all the hundreds of archetypes that exist, but these are some of the most common, and include just about all that are mentioned in my book, CD, or tape of Sacred Contracts. If you feel that you have an archetype that isn't found here, please do not hesitate to give it careful consideration, and feel free to include it in your support team.

Remember that all archetypes are essentially neutral and manifest in both light and shadow attributes. Accordingly, I have tried to include both sets of attributes for each listing, along with cues to help you determine whether a given archetype may be part of your lifelong support team of twelve. To help you further, I've listed some examples of each archetype as embodied in popular film, fiction, drama, and the world's religions and mythologies. In evaluating whether an archetype is part of your intimate group, pay special attention to whether you can perceive a pattern of influence throughout your history, rather than only isolated or recent incidents. Never evaluate your connection to an archetype only by obvious markers. You have to stretch your imagination and burrow into yourself to discover your life patterns, lessons, and gifts. This inner knowledge does not surface easiy.

For a more entire list of archetypes, go to:

http://www.myss.com/library/contracts/three_archs.asp