"The Differences Between A Sociopath and A Narcissist" by Learus Ohnine / Sanctuary for the Abused

The Differences Between A Sociopath And A Narcissist

by Learus Ohnine

When we try to analyze the people we cross paths with in society, it is possible to misinterpret our analysis for lack of a better understanding. For those who have crossed paths with a sociopath and a narcissist (on separate occasions), it may seem like there is little to no difference between the two when in fact one can be mistaken for the other. Both are considered to be  social terrorists, however, there are distinguishing characteristics that would imply neither of them are one in the same. Therefore, I would like to explain briefly the differences in character between these two personality disorders…

A Narcissist will let you know up front what they’re about. 
They will tell you grandiose stories of themselves of either their accomplishments (real or fake) or of their associations with important people (real or fake). 
They generally do not tell these stories for any other gain than to hear praises. 
They have an unquenchable desire to be admired, worshiped, and adulated with no real gain from those that respond to them in this way other than to feed their own ego. 
They need to be the center of attention at all times in any social gathering.

A Sociopath will NOT let you know up front what they are about, because they wear a mask to hide their true identity. 
They will tell you grandiose stories of themselves of either their accomplishments (real or fake, but mostly fake) or of their associations with important people (real or fake, but mostly fake). 
They generally tell these stories to appear as a “good person” to gain trust and as a cover-up for their ulterior motives. 
They have the same unquenchable desires as the Narcissist as a result of the power and control they gain over their victims. 
They do not care to be the center of attention at all times in any social gathering unless doing so promises to earn them more unsuspecting victims.

Here’s a few more brief distinguishing characteristics:

• A Narcissist can have a conscience, and will sometimes hurt others unintentionally. A Sociopath has no conscience whatsoever, nor do they have any remorse for hurting others intentionally.
• A Narcissist can be constructive. A Sociopath is alwaysdestructive.
• A Narcissist’s world can be built by their own hands. A Sociopath prefers their world to be built by someone else’s hands.
• A Narcissist is self-deceptive. A Sociopath is socially deceptive.
• A Narcissist needs admirers. A Sociopath needs victims.
• A Narcissist needs to be adulated to appease their insecurities and fragile ego. A Sociopath needs to be adulated to appease their ulterior motives.
• A Narcissist lacks empathy in the form of belittling, name-calling, and defaming another’s character. A Sociopath lacks empathy in a criminal or physically violent way.
• A Narcissist accepts who they are but exploits themselves in a grandiose manner. A Sociopath pretends to be someone who they are not to hide their hidden agendas.

Both think they are superior to anyone and everyone, both think they deserve special treatment, both process the world differently, and both play to “win”. However, it is possible for both personality traits to be combined into one, which is called a “Narcissistic Sociopath,”  and is more dangerous than the two of them separately.

"Inside the Mind of An Abuser" ~ Mary Alward / Sanctuary for the Abused website

Inside the Mind of an Abuser

What you Need to Know
by Mary M. Alward

Abusers use warped logic to brainwash their victims. They use methods very similar to those of prison guards, who know that to control prisoners they have to have full co-operation. Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.

The Logic of Brainwashing
Abusers use warped logic to brainwash their victims. Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are the perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.

The Process of Brainwashing
The abuser uses several methods of coercion to brainwash his victim. They are as follows:

Isolation
Abusers deprive their victims of social interaction with family members and friends. This is necessary to gain control over the victim.

Resistance
The abuser manipulates his victim to become mentally and physically dependent upon him, which reduces the ability of the victim to resist his abuse.

Threats
Abusers use threats to cultivate anxiety, despair and the ability to resist. Most often they threaten children, family members or friends with harm if the victim doesn’t comply with his demands.

Indulgences
Occasionally the abuser will comply with the wishes of the victim in order to provide motivation to comply with his every demand.

Omnipotence
The abuser suggests to the victim that it is futile to resist his demands.

Trivial Demands
Abusers strictly enforce trivial demands in order to create a habit of compliance in his victim.

Degradation
Abusers degrade their victims in order to damage their self esteem and make them think they are unable to face life on their own. Self esteem can be damaged beyond repair and the victim is often reduced to animal level concerns.

About the Abuser

The methods that abusers, both male and female, use to manipulate their victims are a natural part of their personalities. Abusers all share behaviors and thinking patterns. This labels them as dysfunctional, insecure and unable to have a relationship unless they are in complete control.

Abusers keep their victims in the dark about events that are taking place. They are most always in control of the finances, talk about the victim behind their back in order to cause them to become isolated and make plans that include the victim without consulting them. The abuser’s goal is to monopolize the victim’s time and physical environment and suppress their behavior. An abusive partner tells you what social events you can attend and who you can go with. He may insist you quit work and remain at home where he can keep an eye on you, or he may tell you that you can no longer participate in hobbies. Abusers often insist you move to a location away from family members, friends and other contacts that will give you support.

Abusers do their best to instill feelings of fear, powerlessness and dependency in their victim. Both verbal and emotional abuse heightens these feelings and they grow more pronounced as time passes.

The abuser’s system of logic is closed. She doesn’t allow her partner to voice opinions or criticize her in any way. She lets you know, without a doubt, that her word is law

Abuser’s Tactics
There’s a wide range of tactics that the abuser uses to debilitate the victim. If you recognize any of these tactics, a red flag has been raised.

Domination
Abusers are extremely dominating to the point that they want to control everything that the victim does. If they don’t get their way, they act like spoiled children. On top of that, they use threats to get what they want. If you allow your abuser to dominate you, you will lose your self respect.

Verbal Assault
The abuser tends to verbally assault their victim by calling names, degrading, screaming, threatening, criticizing, berating and humiliating. They will center their victim out in front of family and friends by taking small personality flaws and embellishing them to the extreme. They make snide remarks and use sarcasm to erode the victim’s sense of self-worth and self confidence. Making the victim look bad in front of others is an attempt to isolate the victim and keep them at their mercy. Then, the abuse worsens.

Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a slang term from the 1950’s but is the perfect word to describe one tactic of the abuser. The dictionary definition of gaslighting is to drive someone crazy. This is used to keep the abuser’s victim under control. The abuser will swear that events never occurred and that certain things were never said. The victim knows better, but over time will begin to question their sanity. Be alert to gaslighting tactics that can beat you down and make you think you are going insane.

Blackmail
The abuser uses emotional blackmail to get what they want by pushing your buttons. He plays on his victim’s sense of compassion, fears, sense of guilt and values in order to get his own way. He may refuse to talk to his victim or threaten to end the relationship or withdraw financial support if the victim is dependent on him for basic living necessities. Emotional blackmail is the act of working on the victim’s emotions so the abuser can get what he wants.

Constant Chaos
An abuser will keep the household and his victim’s emotions in total chaos by starting arguments and constantly being in conflict with other family members.

Abusive Expectations
This happens when the abuser makes unreasonable demands on their victim. They may expect their partner to reject everything in their life to tend to the abuser’s needs. Included can be frequent sex, forcing the victim to perform sexual acts that are against their will, demanding all of the victim’s attention or demanding that the victim spend all free time with the abuser. No matter how hard the victim tries to please the abuser, she will always demand more. The victim, whether male or female, will be constantly criticized and berated because they are unable to fulfill the abuser’s demands.

Unpredictable Responses
This includes emotional outbursts and extreme mood swings on the part of the abuser. If you partner likes something you do today and hates it tomorrow, or reacts to the extreme at an identical behavior by the victim, this is an unpredictable response. This behavior damages the victim’s self esteem, self confidence and mental well-being because they are constantly on edge, wondering how their partner is going to respond to their every move.

Living with a person who has unpredictable response is difficult, stressful, nerve wracking and it causes a great deal of anxiety that can lead to health problems. The victim lives with fear and security and has no sense of balance in their life. Abusers who drink excessively are alcoholics or drug abusers often have unpredictable responses to trivial events.

Inside the Abuser’s Mind
Abusers have a tendency to feel they are unique individuals (narcissistic) and shouldn’t have to live under the same rules as everyone else. However, the opposite is true. Abusers share many of the same thinking patterns and behaviors and use the same tactics to keep their victims under their control.

Blaming
Abusers tend to shift responsibility for their actions to their victims and become angry because the person caused them to behave inappropriately. The abuser might say, “If you hadn’t talked back to me, I wouldn't have had to hit you.” Don’t fall for it. The abuser did the hitting and no matter what you did, you are not to blame. He is blaming you for his shortcomings and do not believe that you are the one to blame for even one second.

Making Excuses
Abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, but try to justify their behavior by making excuses. They may blame the abuse on a difficult childhood or a hard day at the office. Their mind-set tells them that they are never to blame for any negative behavior.

Fantasies of Success
Abusers believe that they would be famous and rich if the victim and other people weren’t holding them back. Because he believes his failure in life is due to others, he feels he is justified in retaliating in any way he can, including physical and emotional abuse. He belittles, berates and puts others down, including the victim, to make himself feel more powerful.

Manipulation
Abusers combine manipulative tactics, such as upsetting people to watch their reaction, lying and provoking arguments and fights among family members and his peers. He charms his victims and other people who he wishes to manipulate by professing that he cares and is interested in their well-being, when all he is doing is opening the door for a deeper level of abuse.

Redefining
The abuser will often redefine situations to blame others for his troubles. Abusers will seldom admit that they are wrong, or for that matter, less than perfect. It’s always someone else’s fault when they act inappropriately.

Assuming
An abuser’s thought patterns lead them to believe that they know what others, including their victim, is feeling and thinking. They use this warped logic to blame these people for their behavior. For instance, an abuser might say, “I knew you’d be angry about that, so I went for a few drinks after work to enjoy myself. Why should I come home to listen to you nag?”

Dependence
Believe it or not, abusers are emotionally dependent on their victim. This causes an inner rage that encourages the abuser to lash out. Because he is so dependent, he takes control of his victim’s life. This is the way they deny their weaknesses and make themselves feel powerful.

Symptoms of Emotional Dependency
Symptoms of emotional dependency include, but are not limited to, excessive jealousy, jealous rages and possessive actions that are usually sexual in nature. Abusers spend an excessive amount of time monitoring the action and movements of their victims. Often, abusers have no support network and lack those supportive roles that others depend upon. Another sign of emotional dependency is the extreme affect the abuser suffers if his victim leaves. He will go to any lengths to get the victim to return.

Rigid Gender Attitudes
Abusers in a domestic atmosphere tend to have extremely rigid attitudes about the role that their spouse should play in a marriage or common law situation. Wives may expect their husbands to fulfill all of the family’s chores, such as repairs and hold up his role as a father. Husbands may expect their wives to hold down a full time job, keep the house spotless, the laundry caught up, meals made on time and also tend to the kids’ every need. All of these examples are things that should be shared in a normal relationship.

Lying
Most abusers are liars. They lie to manipulate their victim by controlling information. They also lie to keep their victim, and others, off balance psychologically. This enables the abuser to gain control of every situation.

Withdrawal
Abusers have a tendency to put up emotional walls and never give out personal information freely. He keeps his real feelings to himself and is not interested in what others think of him. Abusers like secrets and are righteous and close-minded. An abuser always feels she is right in every situation.

Drama
Abusers, either male or female, can’t seem to develop close, satisfying relationships, or even bad relationships that last. They replace closeness with drama in order to make their life more exciting. They love watching others argue and fight and often do things to keep those around them in a state of constant chaos and upheaval.

Minimizing Actions
Abusers always minimize their actions and refuse to accept their mistakes. An abuser might tell his spouse who has a black eye, “I didn’t hit you hard enough to give you a black eye.”

Ownership and Possession
Abusers are extremely possessive and believe that they should get everything they want. They also feel they can do whatever they wish with their possession and abusers see their partner or spouse as something they own. They feel they are justified in hurting their victim by taking their possessions, attacking them mentally and physically and controlling all aspects of their life.

Anger Management
Most abusers have had a violent and abusive childhood in a dysfunctional family setting. These children are very likely to grow up into spousal abusers. They are taught from the time they are babies that violence is a way to settle disputes and get their own way. It’s a way to settle differences of opinion and they see abuse as normal. As adults, they won’t be able to find alternate ways of showing or channeling their anger. People who do not have a method of outlet for anger on a daily basis allow it to build to a point where it explodes. When this happens, the people closest to them become their sounding board emotionally, mentally and physically.

Rules
Abusers feel they are superior to others and don’t have to follow the rules of society. This is also the attitude of hundreds of criminals in prisons world wide. Inmates often believe that while other inmates are guilty of their crimes that they aren’t. Abusers feel it is always their partners who need counseling and that they can take care of their life without help or support from others.

Fragmentation
The abuser, whether male or female, does their best to keep their abusive behavior separate from the rest of their life. For example: abusers will beat their spouse and kids on a regular basis, but seldom physically attack anyone outside of their home. They also separate their lives psychologically. They may attend church on Sunday morning and play the role of a loving spouse and parent and then go home and beat their spouse and kids on Sunday afternoon. Abusers see this as acceptable and normal behavior and feel it is justified. Yet if they hear a report that someone else has abused their loved ones, they are the first to condemn them.

Verbal Communication
Abusers are seldom capable of a relationship that includes real intimacy. It is believed that they feel vulnerable when they are open and truthful with others. Abusers feel that it is up to their partners to turn feelings of anger and frustration into gratification and to fulfill their every need. Partners of abusers are essentially expected to be mind readers and know in advance the needs of the abusive spouse. When this doesn’t happen, the abuser feels insecure, unloved and rejected and rejection is grounds for emotional, mental and physical abuse.

Glorification
Abusers, both men and women, think of themselves as independent, self-sufficient, superior and strong. If someone criticizes them or says something that causes them to feel insulted, the feeling will cause them to react violently toward their victim. This is the only outlet that they know to use to quell feelings of inadequacy.

Being Vague
Abusers think and speak vaguely to avoid their responsibilities. When asked why they are late or where they’ve been, answers will be vague. If their partners pursue the reason, the abuser becomes defensive and strikes out in order to remain in control of the situation.

Abusers: Things You Need to Know

• Both men and women abuse their partners, emotionally, mentally, physically and verbally.
• Female abusers tend to have a macho attitude toward womanhood. They look at female qualities as weaknesses and fear closeness and intimacy will make them vulnerable.
• A batterer’s level of hostility is extremely higher than that of non-batterers. Emotions easily turn to anger, which in turn is acted out in violent behavior. Abusers suppress anxiety, tension and stress until they eventually explode in a fit of violent behavior.
• Abusers suffer from low self esteem. They become dependent on their partners emotionally and feel threatened if they thing that they are going to be left on their own.
• Abusers often show emotions of excessive jealousy and are extremely possessive.
• Many abusers are alcoholics or use drugs frequently. If they discontinue alcohol and drug abuse, they tend to be violent through the process of withdrawal.
• Many people who are abusers have experienced or witnessed violence during their childhood. This leaves them with a feeling of worthlessness and low self esteem, which in turn traumatizes them and leaves life-long emotional scars.

Red Flag Signals
Many people of both genders interpret early warning signs of abuse as attentive, caring and romantic. Here is a list of early warning signs of future domestic abuse.

• Your partner insists you spend all of your free time with them in order to isolate you from family and friends.
• You always have to tell your partner where you are going, who you are going with, what your plans are and when you will be home.
• Your partner is extremely agitated or angry when they don’t get their own way.
• Your partner tells you what you can and can’t wear and insists on going shopping with you when you shop for clothes.
• You are accused time and time again of cheating, flirting or having an affair.
• Your partner refers to women in derogatory slang, or is secretive about previous relationships.
• The person was abused mentally, physically, emotionally or verbally as a child.
• Your partner grew up in an environment where one parent abused the other emotionally, He is a charmer or a smooth talker.
• He is abusive to his mother or sister and refers to them in derogatory slang.
• The person has expectations that are not realistic.
• The person has a tendency to be cruel to animals or pets.
• The person has hurt a child in some way. (emotional or physical)
• Your partner has abused spouses in a previous relationship. If so, it will happen to you too.
• The person displays a tendency to have extreme mood swings for little or no reason.
• Male abusers often feel women are inferior and were born to indulge their every whim.
• Female abusers feel men are inferior and expect their partner to give them their full attention at all times.
• Abusers like to intimidate and use threatening body language. They may throw things, punch walls or destroy their victim’s possessions.
• Abusers stop their victims from leaving the room during an argument or dispute.

Warning!
If you see any of these warning signs in your partner, be ever vigilant. For your own safety, it’s best to end the relationship immediately. It’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship where you are constantly abused in any way. Get help now!

"Dealing with Control Freaks" by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D, R-CSW

Dealing With Control Freaks

by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com

Dr. Thomas J. Schumacher is a pshychotherapist who specializes in individual, couple, and marital counseling. He maintains practices in New York City and Long Island..


Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.Repetition Compulsion
Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

Two Types of Control Freaks
Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Some Coping Strategies

1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you.

Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.
 SOURCE

7 Signs You're Dating A Narcissist ~ by Nichi Hodgson/Huffington Post

This is a virulent disorder growing in our culture, especially in males.  My cheeky (at least to some) opinion is that the criteria for this disorder should be begun (with discernment) to be taught to our daughters beginning at 7. 

The percentage of college males in the US who have been researched to have this disorder is 67!  That means 2 of every 3 men (well, actually boys) your daughter dates is in this category.

This is an excellent "quick" description....and having any close relationship with this sort is guaranteed to have seriously negative outcomes. Make no mistake, more and more women are recorded with this disorder, too.

By the standards of the DSM-IV, a narcissist is broadly defined, not just as someone overly concerned with their own appearance, as per the over-simplified Greek myth, but as someone who takes advantage of others to reach their own goals, expects to be recognized as superior without having superior accomplishments, is envious, power-hungry, and lacks empathy on a scale nearly as grandiose as his or her ego.

By my own hapless experience, I'd add that it's someone who only cares about you insofar as you are fulfilling their (often unrealistic) needs, somebody who is secretly happier when you are lower than them--unless it affects the supply of your support to them of course.

In fact, to fall in love with a narcissist is basically to stare lovingly into the back of a mental mirror--a mirror defended by barbs. When I fell in love with one, it was one of the unhappiest times of my life. The irony was that I'd attracted him by being narcissistic myself --playing the role of dominatrix to his submissive--only for him to soon switch the power dynamic so that I was the one on my knees. When he'd first darkened my door, he'd come looking to enact his most potent and persistent fantasy--that of women that loved him castrating him. Quite soon, he'd exploited me to satisfy so many of his own sexual and egotistical ends that I almost gave him his ultimate fantasy. Funnily enough, at that point, it ceased to become quite so erotic to him.

And what's more, I decided that to give him his ultimate fantasy would have resulted in yet more privileging of his needs over mine. But attention is the narcissist's oxygen. Take this away and he or she begins to choke on their own noxious, and fast-depleting hot air. So instead, I got up out of his bed one night, dressed hastily and never returned.

All sounds a bit extreme, I bet you're thinking; a bit Anastasia Steele with an Anti-androcentricity Studies degree. I mean, how does any sentient and self-respecting adult end up falling prey to a narcissist in the first place? Follow the slides to see.

1. Do they, at first, shower you with attention? This preliminary deception stage is crucial for building faux rapport. During your 'seduction,' they will give you the false impression of being interested in you for your own sake.

2. Do they retract when you pay positive attention to someone else at a party or social gathering? Narcissists' hyperbolic need for validation makes them irritable and impatient when they witness others receiving what they believe to be 'their due' of attention.

3. Do they seek to criticize or reduce others? Narcissists will often pick apart those they perceive as threats to their attention/glory quota.

4. Do they never seem satisfied with positive feedback, and are always angling for more specific affirmations? The insatiable need for compliments is a hallmark of narcissism.

5. Do they lack empathy towards others, and you? If they cannot offer physical or verbal comfort when you or someone else is visibly distressed, seem unresponsive to your expression of feelings, intimate thoughts, or emotions, or even merely seem to purposefully ignore social niceties (believing themselves above them), don't walk, don't try and gather up the stuff of yours you have at theirs, just get the hell out.

6. Do they have an unrealistic belief in their own abilities? A true narcissist will self-mythologize, over-exaggerating or even lying about their talents. Being frequently convinced of their own powers of influence, narcissists often manage to readily convince people of their lies (think Californian cult leader).

7. Do they use you and others purely for their own gain? If you've felt repeatedly duped, put upon, manipulated or abused (all in the so-called name of love), commiserations--you too have fallen for a narcissist.

Nichi Hodgson is the author of the new book Bound To You.

"Musical Rapture"---a brief time to go back to "Our Self"

Mind Control Today Is Much More Sophisticated Than The Original Brainwashing Techniques ~ from Decision Making Confidence

http://www.decision-making-confidence.com/brainwashing-techniques.html

"The original brainwashing techniques described by Robert Lifton were done to prisoners by obvious enemies. Today, mind control is used on it's victims by supposed 'friends' to manipulate, abuse and dominate. Would you recognize if a friend or a teacher or a coach was controlling your every move? If you said yes, how exactly would you know?

Most people would not, that's why cults are thriving!

Both brainwashing techniques and mind control methods are used to change people's beliefs and attitude so that they make the decisions and do the things the manipulator desires. They are used in totalitarian states, with prisoners, in destructive cults, in abusive relationships and some would argue that they are used in the media for advertising and used by governments to control the people.

The end result is a person or persons with different beliefs and values, who typically believe very strongly in some ideas to the point that they want to convert others to their ideology. In fact, the person may be so different from before, they may have changed so much that they are said to have a pseudo-personality. Frequently the family and friends of cult members say they don't recognize them any more."..............

(CLICK above link to read article)

The smearing of Rachel Jeantel ~ Salon Magazine

"Jeantel does not fit the comfortable image of the grieving girl. As Rachel Samara wrote Wednesday in Global Grind, “A predominantly white jury is not going to like Rachel Jeantel,” a girl “who has no media training and who is fully entrenched in a hostile environment.” There is confusion over whether or not she was Martin’s girlfriend, which eradicates her chances of being depicted as a devastated young quasi-widow. On the stand, she has been blunt, hostile and at times seemingly confused. Online, she has a documented history that includes partying. She is not thin or blond or demure. So there goes her credibility."......


READ: The smearing of Rachel Jeantel

10 Dumbest Pundit Reactions to NSA Revelations | Alternet

CLICK HERE TO READ: http://www.alternet.org/food/nsa-scandal?page=0%2C2&paging=off

"Death Is Not the End, but the Beginning of Something New" ~ Taryn Crimi

While we each have our own belief systems about death/birth, etc., I found this one to be synonymous with my own......
click link to read article.

http://ascension2012andbeyond.com/

Abuse in Later Life (NCALL)

National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life (NCALL)
A Project of Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence
307 S. Paterson St., Suite 1, Madison, Wisconsin 53703-3517
Phone: 608-255-0539 • Fax/TTY: 608-255-3560 • www.ncall.us • www.wcadv.org

Abuse in Later Life Wheel

In 2006, NCALL adapted the Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, MN.
Resource updated, April 2011.Tactics Used by Abusers
During 2005, NCALL staff asked facilitators of older abused women’s support groups to have participants review the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project’s Power and Control Wheel. Over 50 survivors from eight states responded. NCALL created this Abuse in Later Life Wheel from their input.
In addition to the tactics on the wheel, many offenders justify or minimize the abuse and deny that they are abusive. Perpetrators of abuse in later life may make comments like “she’s just too difficult to care for” or “he abused me as a child” to blame the victim, or try to minimize the abuse by stating the victim bruises easily or injuries are the incidental result of providing care. The list below provides additional examples of some of the behaviors victims might experience under each tactic included on the wheel.


Denies Access to Spiritual & Traditional 
Events
 Refuses transportation or access
 Destroys spiritual or traditional items of
importance

Ridicules Personal and Cultural Values
 Disrespectful of cultural practices
 Ignores values when making decisions

Uses Family Members
 Misleads family members regarding
condition of elder
 Excludes or denies access to family; Isolates
 Controls what elder does, who they see
and what they do
 Denies access to phone or mail

Physical Abuse
 Hits, chokes, burns, pinches, throws
things
 Restrains elder to chair or bed

Sexual Abuse
 Sexually harms during care giving
 Forces sex acts
 Forces elder to watch pornography

Psychological Abuse
 Engages in crazy-making behavior
 Publicly humiliates

Emotional Abuse
 Yells, insults, calls names
 Degrades, blames

Targets Vulnerabilities and Neglects
 Takes or denies access to items needed for
daily living
 Refuses transportation
 Denies food, heat, care, or medication
 Does not follow medical
recommendations
 Refuses to dress or dresses
inappropriately


Uses Privilege 
 Speaks for elder at financial and medical
appointments
 Makes all major decisions
Financial Exploits
 Steals money, titles, or possessions
 Abuses a power of attorney or
guardianship

Threatens

 Threatens to leave or commit suicide
 Threatens to institutionalize
 Abuses or kills pet or prized livestock
 Displays or threatens with weapons

Top 10 Reasons to Legalize Marijuana Now | Alternet

CLICK HERE FOR ARTICLE: Top 10 Reasons to Legalize Marijuana Now | Alternet

"The 5th Key of Compassion" by Jelaila Starr

Excerpt from Dancing with the Dark 
The 5th Key of Compassion

Dancing with the Dark

 

Life sure changes when you begin to dance in step with the Dark, using your god-given dark abilities and skills.  For example, life becomes more fun because you don’t get as frustrated since you are aware that you have the right to speak up and stand your ground.  Though it would take a book to define all the ways that you change when you begin living your life using your dark skills and abilities, here’s a few of the more noticeable changes.

You set personal boundaries.

Since one of the major purposes of Dark Power is protection, it only makes sense that the first thing we do protect ourselves better.  I don’t mean throw up walls.  I mean setting boundaries that are flexible and breathable.  Boundaries are limits that you set on how much energy you will expend.  People with healthy boundaries are healthier and more emotionally resilient than those without them.  When you have healthy boundaries you have plenty of energy and don't get that scattered, fuzzyheaded feeling caused by other people draining your energy.  Boundaries are self-love in action.

You use agreements.

As explained in Agreements, the 6th Key of Compassion, an agreement is a verbal or written arrangement by which a designated set of needs is fulfilled.  Just as boundaries are self-love in action, agreements are self-empowerment in action.  Agreements are what responsible, self -empowered people use to communicate their needs and ask for what they want.  People who use agreements are empowered and find it easy to trust and feel safe in their relationships.  As a result, they are able to commit on a much deeper level, and therefore enjoy the rich satisfaction of a strong and emotionally satisfying relationship.  A relationship built on the self-empowering foundation of agreements is a relationship that feeds the soul and makes the heart sing.  It is the kind of relationship we all desire in our lives.

An agreement is also a promise to fulfill the needs designated in the arrangement, thus when we create agreements our integrity comes into play.  In fact, the power of the agreements to create the desired outcome, a happy and fulfilling relationship, is directly proportionate to the integrity of the partners.  In other words, does your word mean anything?  Is it a matter of honor or not?  To what length are you willing to go to keep from breaking your agreement only because you said it would be so?  An agreement is not a rule.  Rules are made to be broken because they are based on a win/lose principle.  Rules also tend to empower only one side while disempowering the other.

Once we come to understand this God-conscious concept and add agreements to our existing relationships, we will see the magic of their power to heal, nurture and bring back into balance what could not be balanced in our relationships no matter how hard we tried.  Here’s a heart-warming example to explain what I mean.

Jonathan and my then 10 year-old daughter Danielle were not getting along after I moved to LA.  Danielle had been living with her father for the past 2 years and after a lengthy court battle that ended in late 1997, I was not willing to battle him again in order to take her with me, plus, I felt that only time apart could break the co-dependent attachment between Danielle and I.  Being too young to understand, Danielle just felt abandoned and hurt.  Her pain and anger were enormous, and not having any supportive authority figures, (her dad believed that anger should not be expressed) she didn’t have a way to work through it.  Additionally, she didn’t want to risk losing me entirely if she vented the anger at me, so she expressed it at Jonathan, someone she felt she could risk losing. 

Danielle’s first visit was an emotional disaster. She and Jonathan fought daily, each complaining to me about the other.  I felt I was being torn in two as each sought to gain my support against the other.  Of course I allowed this by not having set any personal boundaries or negotiated any agreements for it.  As the days went by, I found myself counting the days until she went home.  As much as I loved being with her and knowing how much my heart would break as I watched her walk out of my life again as she boarded the plane in the care of a stranger, I knew I could not take many more.

Danielle’s second visit was no different.  At the end  I sat crying in the airport as I watched her plane take off and fly into the sky headed east to Kansas City, 1700 miles away from me.  Once again, I had taken her to the airport alone.  Driving home, I began to realize that my fear of marrying a man who did not love my child had been realized, and I was responsible for its manifestation.

In January, 1999, Danielle returned for her third visit.  This time I was ready to make a change.  The morning after she arrived, we went into the office and sat together at the computer to create a set of agreements.  It was easier than I thought.  As we discussed them and I typed them up, I began to see that they were much different than the rules I had used with Danielle when I was still single, and of course, which she constantly managed to forget and break.

When we were done she asked to go out and play.  I felt somewhat let down.  I had expected some big magical change to suddenly take place and yet there was nothing, just a child anxious to go and play with her friends.  Two hours later, she returned and asked to renegotiate one of the agreements.  This in itself was wonderful.  It meant that she realized that she had power but that was not what really struck me.  It was her demeanor and the tone of her voice.  In two short hours she had transformed from a clingy 5 year-old to a self-assured 10 year-old.  I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears!  Danielle had grown up!  I realized that by creating the agreements with her, I had given her back her power and a real sense of safety.  Now she felt empowered in her relationship with Jonathan and me.  Danielle now knew what was expected of her because it was written down.  No more walking on eggshells.  And she also knew that if an agreement was not working for her, that she had the power to renegotiate it.  And most of all, she knew that her power was equal to ours, that we all lived by the agreements, not just her.

Five long months went by before Danielle returned.  This was to be a month long visit and a real test of our newly created agreements.  Not only did they stand the test, but they worked their magic on the wound between Danielle and her stepfather.  They had their conflicts and one night got into a big one.  When Jonathan grilled Danielle about something she did not do, she stopped him with the agreements.  She said, “I’m not going to continue this because you’ve gotten me confused.”  And with that she walked out of the room.  I thought to myself, “Touché´!  You go little girl!”  Danielle had stood up to her step-father.

A few days later, as they were standing on the balcony watching the Fourth of July fireworks light up the city below, Danielle turned to Jonathan and said, “Dad, I want to thank you for teaching me how to stand up for myself.  I was scared at first, but I’m proud that I did it.”  Jonathan replied, “Thank you.  You did a good job Danielle.  I know it was tough, but you did it.”  With that they embraced and the wound between them healed a little more.

Watching Danielle and Jonathan begin to heal was what taught me the power and value of agreements.  As mentioned earlier, you will find more in-depth information on boundaries and agreements in Agreements, the 6th Key of Compassion.

"Mind Control Today Is Much More Sophisticated Than The Original Brainwashing Techniques"

While the descriptors of this topic are often seen as something outside of our experience, it is a dynamic that often happens in families.  This week, it also gives insight as the possible dynamic of the Boston terror attack suspect.


CLICK HERE TO READ: Brainwashing techniques vs mind control methods.

Personal Accountability – Reclaiming Our Judgments, Projections And Ourselves

CLICK HERE TO READ ARTICLE: Personal Accountability – Reclaiming Our Judgments, Projections And Ourselves

"Why Did the Affair Happen?"-Huffington Post

April 1, 2013

This is the print preview: Back to normal view »

Why Did The Affair Happen?

Posted: 04/01/2013 2:00 am

Excerpted from The New Monogamy; Redefining Your relationship After Infidelity

Often, when we discover that a partner has been cheating, the first question is an anguished "Why?" This often-unanswerable question is what drives us to ruminate on what happened, and we may force our partners to talk about the details over and over again, hoping to find the answers we are searching for.

One of the first things you will need to do to heal from an affair is to explore this question of why it happened and to be open to hearing the real, honest truth. Most people want to blame the cheating partner. And the cheating partner does have to take responsibility for pursuing the outside relationship. But no affair happens in a vacuum.

Collusion in the Affair

Collusion means "secret cooperation." The dictionary says that collusion is "secret cooperation between two people in order to do something underhanded or undesirable." Many couples, if they are honest with themselves, may find that the partner who was cheated on colluded with the infidelity even if he or she didn't participate directly in the affair. That means that on some level, there was some type of cooperation, even if unconscious, to make the affair happen.

This secret cooperation may mean the betrayed partner is doing something in the relationship to collude with his or her partner's behavior, even if he or she doesn't realize it. To be unconsciously aware means that on some level, the betrayed partner had an idea that their spouse was cheating.

In a 1995 study, two groups of practicing therapists described extramarital affairs they treated or were themselves involved in. They reported that 89% of betrayed spouses in the study were consciously aware of the infidelity or, even if they did not acknowledge it, really did know about the affair. The majority of the betrayed spouses behaved as if they were in collusion with their cheating partners, even when they said they were opposed to the affairs.

Maria and Frank had been stuck in conflict over Maria's affair for over a year. Maria had cheated on Frank with a neighbor, Joe, someone they saw weekly for card games and occasional barbeques. When Frank found out that Maria had cheated with Joe, he became incensed and almost left her.

As time progressed and Maria and Frank discussed the affair, Maria shared her confusion with her husband: "I always felt that you approved of my relationship with Joe. You saw how he flirted with me, and you even encouraged me to go over there when his wife was out of town. You used to say that Joe was probably lonely and that maybe I should go over and have a drink with him. Now you are so mad at me! There's some kind of mixed message here."

Frank was furious with Maria for insinuating that he pushed her into the affair: "I never told you to cheat with him. Did I ever say, 'Go sleep with Joe; he and his wife aren't having any?"

As Frank's feelings calmed down, he tried to see things from Maria's point of view, to find some empathy for her experience: "I guess it makes sense that she would move toward Joe. Maybe I was hoping that they would cheat so I would have an excuse to leave."

Maria said, "This is not your fault. I definitely made the move to step over the line." Frank realized he had unconsciously colluded with her about the affair.

Affairs as Exits

An exit can be any behavior that a partner uses to avoid being truly present in the relationship, whether emotionally, psychologically, sexually, or even physically. Harville Hendrix, author of the best-selling self-help book Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, says smaller exits can include anything that helps you to avoid dealing with conflict or intimacy, including being on the computer, checking e-mails, texting, or staying late at work. Any behavior that is used to avoid ways to engage with your partner is considered an exit. Bigger exits include things like gambling, drinking, and taking drugs. An affair is considered one of the biggest exits and is what Hendrix called "an invisible divorce."

Affairs are only one way to exit from the relationship, but they can be a powerful and damaging way to avoid the intimacy of a monogamous partnership. However, whenever the person who is exiting traces his or her behavior back to the moment he or she exited, it often becomes clear that at that time, his or her partner was exiting as well. If the cheating partner can trace his or her behavior back to the point where the indiscretion began, it may become clear that the affair was an attempt to deal with the feelings of a partner who "exited" the relationship first.

Mike and Sheila came to therapy after Mike had an affair with a woman he met on the Internet. Every time he tried to talk to Sheila about his loneliness and feelings of disconnection, she would get defensive and accuse Mike of trying to shut down her needs professionally.

Mike said, "I never wanted her to stop working. I wanted her to be home with me. Eventually I started a relationship with this woman who advertised on adult websites. She never let me down, and whenever I was lonely, she was there for me."

Often, one or both partners may see an affair as a way to avoid conflict or intimacy, and eventually may see it as an exit from the relationship. In exploring why your partner pursued an affair, you may discover that he perceived that you exited the relationship first. This can be a difficult thing to accept, especially amid the fresh pain of a newly discovered affair.

Sometimes the "why" of an affair is not as important as what happens after, if you can create a new monogamy, together.

For more information on creating your new monogamy and a new relationship together, click here.

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a world renowned sex and relationship expert and the author ofThe New Monogamy and Getting the Sex You Want. She can be found atwww.drtammynelson.com

Follow Tammy Nelson, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drtammynelson

Walmart's Death Grip on Groceries Is Making Life Worse for Millions of People (Hard Times USA) | Alternet

Walmart's growing control of our food system has been to intensify the rural and urban poverty that drives unhealthy food choices.......(Click here to read)

Private Jet as Security Write-Off? 10 Most Insane Tax Loopholes | Alternet

For corporations and the 1 percent, tax season offers plenty of ways to dodge Uncle Sam. Now THIS is reckless spending!!  And they don't even call it an "entitlement"!  Whatever has happened to the English language, and its perversion by Congress and Republicans.
Click here to read about these perversions!

The School of “Heart” Knocks « Synergy Magazine / The Magazine for Mindful Living / Vancouver Island, BC, Canada

A former criminal lawyer and psychotherapist, Jeff Brown is the author of “Soulshaping: A Journey of Self-Creation,” endorsed by authors Elizabeth Lesser and  Ram Dass. It is Brown’s autobiography; an inner travelogue of his journey from archetypal male warrior to a more surrendered path.

(Read some of Jeff's story....)

(Jeff is also available on Twitter, and has websites that are an ongoing example of soul work.)