Withholding...

The most common form of withholding is what we commonly call "the silent treatment," but withholding encompasses any unwillingness to express your true feelings. It is the dominant form of emotional abuse, and of passive-aggression. It includes an unwillingness to give support, praise, or positive attention to the people you love. It is not much less damaging when you use withholding on friends, co-workers, etc., for it also signals an inability to have appropriate human intimacy...the flaw of the withholder.  

We have all known someone, or may currently be experiencing someone's pattern of emotionally draining and hurtful behaviors. Many of you may have suddenly found yourselves at the other end of a chilly silence with no explanation. 

No one deserves to be subjected to withholding. Feeling ignored, disrespected, or shut out, and to not know why, is a terrible feeling. The first thing to remember if this is happening to you is that you are not to blame. You are caught in someone else's pain pattern. This person does not know how to express feelings in a healthy way probably because this is what they learned when she or he was a child. The second helpful thing to remember is that the withholder is acting out of pain. They are stuck in a habitual mode of response that is self-defeating and alienating to the people they love. Remembering this will help you feel compassion for the person hurting you. However, if you have suffered too long with this pattern, you may need to get some space. Take some time to look at your own patterns and understand why you have taken part in this drama. If you are dealing with people in a family situation, you can step up to the plate to help break the chain of this behavior pattern. 

At the same time, many of us will recognize our own tendency to withhold our emotions rather than express them. At times though, when one is in the process of attempting to mend these same relationships, they are in need of silence... but a constructive bout of silence is the key to distinguishing whether one is going to be helpful, or hurtful. 

Sometimes, people distance themselves and during this time force blame, rationalize their side of the disagreement and seek refuge and validation from those around them about the matter in question. Sometimes however, you may see that this is not the case at all. Perhaps, someone has taken themselves out of the equation to figure out where they went wrong, how they hurt those they love the most, and most importantly... how to begin to mend the broken bonds that were left in their narcissistic, self-absorbed mad dance. Often times, this continual pattern lands us at a spot of looking back at a path of emotional debris we trailed along the hurricane we call our life. It is devastating and miraculous in the same breath when we see this. 

Upon this realization, and if we are the "withholder", there is often a pronounced experience of almost clairvoyance insight from a never before seen perspective of neutrality. This position often has us looking at ourself as we truly are, and not who we have attempted to be for as long as we can remember. We often will experience this because we are tired of lying to ourselves, we have run into the truth about ourselves and wish to carry forward to rebuild the bonds which have subsequently deteriorated as a result of this pattern. 

Most of us have seen both sides of the withholding dilemna. Emotional pain is at the root of our tendency to withhold, and withholding causes pain to the people subjected to it. For the withholder, it is a means of pseudo-power and control (or so they believe). It is a dysfunctional pattern that creates a breakdown in communication and understanding. 

If, on the other hand, it is you that tends to withhold, understand that this is a learned response and it can be unlearned. Find safe places to begin to express all that you've been holding back. Begin to make an effort to say what you're feeling and thinking. Give praise to someone who deserves it. The more you do this, the healthier you and your relationships will become. What was learned over a course of a life cannot be changed overnight-remember, one day at a time. 

Emptied Souls

Several years ago, as a clinician, the only population I had little interest in treating, was that of Antisocial Personality Disorder/Psychopathy, and Sociopathy, and Malignant Narcissism. Why?  The above sentence reveals one reason..."treating". "Treating", and the personal value of the therapist as regards therapy.


Individuals who are assigned that label, at this point in history, cannot really be treated, per se.  The best that can happen is that they are "treated" along a continuum into functionality, i.e., almost a "reverse therapy" which is to evaluate their behaviors, their lack of remorse and conscience,  their ability to "feel" , and the areas and degree to which they can increase functioning in this world.


The continuum  and range is so broad that, for the most part, the only folks that therapists can discuss with, thus learn from....are other therapists who "get" the breadth and depth of these personality disorders. For example, the terms themselves sound extreme enough that the lay person thinks one is being over-reactive when they use one of those terms, so minimize the entire conversation or diagnosis. When asked how they might "picture" the diagnoses, they inevitably jump right to the worst-case scenario.


"I, Psychopath" is a 60/80 min international documentary about psychopathy co-produced by Magic|Real Picture Company and Liberty Productions (aka Fibro Majestic Films) for CBC NewsworldCanada, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation and Arte Germany. 

The film follows narcissist and suspected psychopath Sam Vaknin, well known author of the book, Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited, on his journey into diagnosis. Vaknin, a high achieving financial analyst and businessman has been an advisor to governments and large corporations. He has achieved more than most people do in life having won and lost prestige, fortune, friends and love, not once, but numerous times. 

In 1995 Vaknin’s world came crashing down around him when he was tried and sentenced to jail for his involvement in the attempted takeover of the Israeli Agricultural Bank. Now, aged 46, the analyst in Vaknin sees that the statistics stack up against him and realises that his behaviour is at the core of all his problems. 

Vaknin’s journey into diagnosis takes us to the leaders in the field of psychopathy and explores the complexity of this personality disorder which covers a broad spectrum of behaviour that takes in the emotional, the corporate and the criminal, yet is little understood outside the classic image of the psychopath as serial killer. 

As Vaknin visits psychopathy experts around the world he will undergo a battery of tests to see whether he fits the criteria and traits of a psychopath. For example, he'll complete the Psychopathy Checklist and the Psychopathic Personality Inventory. He’ll undergo functional magnetic resonance imaging as part of a fear conditioning study and have his full brain scan evaluated for structural abnormalities which have been implicated in anti-social behaviour. 

Along the way we meet with academics and scientists to discuss current areas of research such as The Moral Brain, the successful vs the unsuccessful psychopath, neuroethics and the law, the efficacy of testing and of treatment and gain a clearer understanding of the effects of psychopathy on the psychopath and on the people they come in contact with. Vaknin will have the opportunity to debate with and challenge the scientists and their assumptions. 

We also meet Vaknin’s wife, Lidija Rangelovska, who is contemplating having a child, how does Vaknin’s narcissism and suspected psychopathy impact on her decision whether to have a family, how will it affect their child ? 

If Vaknin rates a score on the Psychopathy Checklist, he will need to decide whether to accept the label “psychopath” and what that might mean for his future and for the rest of us. 

"I, Psychopath" is a journey around the world, but it's also a journey deep into the mind.

My Gratitude to You!

I had never looked at, or been interested in the "stats" part of this site.  However, last month, I became aware of that link and was astounded at the number of viewers who have "signed" on!  Other than a growing participation here in the United States, I have had many views from Russia, Netherlands, Denmark, Germany, Switzerland, Poland, France, Slovenia, Israel, and Japan.  In addition, it was most interesting to note the entries which continued to draw viewers....many from almost a year ago!  At the same time, I do not draw any conclusions about those without your input. 

This was all very exciting to me, and raised a bit of anxiety about responsibility in me.  Then, I realized that the site will largely continue in the way that it does.

However, if any of you have any insights or topics upon which you wish entries, please feel free to notify me! In the meanwhile, I am so happy that we from all ends of the earth join together.  That is truly the best part!

Difference Between Man and Woman

Difference Between Man and Woman

Keith Olbermann Special Comment On Gabrielle Giffords Shooting

Rudeness Is A Neurotoxin by Martin Teicher/Huffington Post

Excerpt:
A series of studies by a group of psychiatrists and brain imaging scientists 
lead by Martin Teicher, of Harvard Medical School, shows that even hostile words in the form of verbal abuse can cause these brain changes and enduring psychiatric risks for young adults. In a study published in 2006, the researchers showed that parental verbal abuse was more strongly associated with these detrimental effects on brain development than was parental physical abuse. 

In a new study published in the July issue of the American Journal of 
Psychiatry, they report that exposure to verbal abuse from peers is associated with elevated psychiatric symptoms and corpus callosum abnormalities. The main causes are stress hormones, changes in inhibitory neurotransmitters, and environmental experience affecting the formation of myelin electrical insulation on nerve fibers. The most sensitive period for verbal abuse from peers in impairing brain development was exposure during the middle school years. 


Why? Because this is the period of life when these connections are developing in the human brain, and wiring of the human brain is greatly influenced by environmental experience.

Complete article at

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-douglas-fields/rudeness-is-a-neurotoxin_b_765908.html

HOW TO LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU LOVE THEM by Amanda Gore

2011 New Year's Ritual--from Debbie Ford

2011 New Year's Ritual

The Ritual

• Make a list of 10 experiences that blessed and nourished you in 2010.
  
• To complete 2010, write out why you chose the challenging experiences of the last year. Do this from the highest perspective so that you can find their gifts.
  
• Notice if you're carrying any dark, small or limiting thoughts into 2011. Write them all down. Affirm you don't need them anymore. They're not the truth. They're just thoughts. Then rip them up into 100 shredded little specks of nothing and throw them in the trash.
  
• Choose one quality (e.g., love, peace, success, respect, etc.) that you most want to express and commit to in 2011. Write out 5 ways that you can give and share this quality with others.
  
• Write down 5 goals that you feel inspired to commit to in 2011.
  
• Read this vow or use one of your own each morning to reconnect with the power you hold to light up the world.
  

I am wishing you a healthy, happy, inspired new year. May you give yourself all that you desire and all that you deserve.

Loving you always,

---

My New Year's Gift to You

The Essence of Today's Children + Dr.Doreen Virtue

The transformation of this world, complete with the destruction of the old and negative, and it's replacement with higher values, comes a new breed of kids.  They are quite amazing!  Of course, the child whose qualities parents and teachers use the old cookie cutter, miss out almost completely on their Human Design.

The term Indigo is often rebelled against...as a label.  I have come to agree, especially at the behest of my daughter. But I suppose it is like any other "jargon" in that we can connect with the reality of these children with that label.  At the same time, most all children...are born this way.  They are truth seeker...with high intuition coupled with an innate ability to detect dishonesty.  There are many other qualities which, frankly, we see in almost every child we meet if we have the interest and devotion to be curious.

One question I always used to ask of any child in sessions was, "What is it that you have come to teach me today?"  This question startled the child initially...that any adult would ask them this question.  I would then explain that, if they wished, they could think about it until the next session.  Inevitably, when the child became aware that this was indeed an authentic question, their answers seemed worth waiting for, even if it took a while.  Almost always, I felt gratitude and astonishment at their answers.  Many who might have been described as "concrete thinkers" by schoolteachers who, themselves, were concrete and linear, clearly were capable of deeper and more reflective abstract thinking.  It is the understanding of their nature, understanding of the evolutionary phase, and affirming of the child's essence which creates the environment for these children to grow maximally.

In my experience, I don't see a lot of difference between the parenting skills of an "Indigo", and the parents of a (allegedly) "regular" kid.  However, it is understanding the child and its advanced abilities new to this generation, that is key. Inevitably, in working with a child, it becomes quite apparent that at least one parent is the same, whether or not they are ready to embrace and value that.

This is a video by Dr. Doreen Virtue, a leader in researching and writing about this subject.

Gregg Braden & Doreen Virtue, Pt.1

The National Network to End Domestic Violence

The National Network to End Domestic Violence Partners with Dr. Phil

The National Network to End Domestic Violence

Partners with Dr. Phil

Washington, D.C. – The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) has announced a partnership with popular Daytime Syndicated Talk Show Host and New York Times Bestselling author, Dr. Phil McGraw.

On his ninth season premiere this past September, Dr Phil announced a campaign to “End the Silence on Domestic Violence,” and on Wednesday, November 10, Dr. Phil will be a special guest via satellite at NNEDV’s annual Community Engagement Day in Charleston, S.C. 

“We could not be happier to be working with Dr. Phil,” said Sue Else, NNEDV’s president. “We are very grateful that Dr. Phil is using his powerful voice to raise awareness of domestic violence and help survivors of abuse.  Domestic violence needs to come out of private homes and into the national spotlight. Dr. Phil is an incredibly important part of ending domestic violence once and for all.”

Since its debut in September 2002, the series has been ranked second among all daytime talk shows and consistently ranks among the Top Ten of all syndicated strips (Source: NSS Ranking Report).

“I urge everyone to take a stand and end the silence on domestic violence,” said Dr. Phil McGraw. “I am deeply passionate about drawing attention to this silent epidemic and I remain committed to doing everything possible to help those in need of assistance. That’s why I’m proud to work with the National Network to End Domestic Violence.”

In addition to collaborating on multiple episodes of his shows, Dr. Phil will lend his voice of support on Capitol Hill when it comes to finally passing federal legislation that serves survivors of domestic violence and holds perpetrators accountable. 

On a recent episode, Dr. Phil presented a $15,000 check made up of funds donated by viewers (as a result of his call to action) along with the Dr. Phil Foundation, to the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition in Grass Valley, California. In large part due to the economy, this local domestic violence program was forced to close its doors.  The contribution made will re-open the program. 

To see clips from the ninth season premiere episode of The Dr Phil Show and to learn more, visit

http://bit.ly/9GWQMh.

TEARS OF AN ANGEL

I'm Your Angel - Celine Dion

Dedicated to....well, you know who you are, woman! Forever and always!

Year in Crazy: The Top 10

http://www.salon.com/life/this_week_in_crazy/index.html

Only TEN?!  I wondered.  I really enjoy Salon magazine for their journalism, their creativity and, for the most part , their accuracy. So, in the middle of a wonderful snowstorm which affords me more leisure time, I went with my requisite cup of  coffee, to the Salon  site.


The front page has an article, "Year in Crazy:  The Top Ten".  Before I clicked, I paused to think what my top ten crazees were this past year.  When I went to the slideshow, I confess Salon did a bang-up job!  I did not include any on their list.  Yet, were I to add another 10...easy, cheesy!


In short, I suppose we can all agree that the last year has ramped up in the number and nature of head-shaking events! There is certainly the clearer vision of who the "bad guys" are, in terms of preserving our earth and its people, and those who reflect integrity in their actions as well as in their rhetoric, and simply being "decent" human beings.  That vision, facilitated by information speed, has (thank heavens!) alerted us to some truly good folks and really decent impulses.


One problem is "sheople".  So many are, or choose to remain, sheople.  It is so clear when speaking with them, that their responses are parroted, emotional, shallow, and their facts are simply unchecked.  Their own assumtions are, "Make It Up AS You Go Along:  UNPLUGGED!" 


They are the ideal target of the yellow journalism media.  There is not even an attempt on their part to "balance", to use critical thinking skills......very frustrating.  But, what a wonderful event to speak with those who have done their homework....who simply "get it".  Truth be known, there are legitimate reasons for some.....those working triple jobs in this fragile economy which continues to support the elimination of the middle class; those who are the primary caretaker for several young children, etc. Their extra time, which for them is an oxymoron, is spent in simple survival mode. I do , however, wish at times that they, knowing this would be more ready to admit the fact that they don't know enough about an issue.


I know folks who watch only one of the partisan shows, rather than another contrary to their own opinion.  Thus their impoverished views. The U.S. is a knee-jerk reaction nation, for the most part.  Their entire view of policy, events, is driven by an isolated headline which is generally unrelated to the body of the article!  So, we are suckers of the highest rating!


The year 2011 is poised for things which will utterly astound us.  Perhaps we can be better with mentally filing some of this information, "For Future Reference", and acquiring a refined tolerance for ambiguity.

http://www.salon.com/

I Choose Love ~ Shawn Gallaway

ONLY LOVE PREVAILS!!!


(Turn off playlist at bottom of this page before listening)

SOLDIER'S ANGELS

Dear Friends and Family:

Last month, I seemed to cross paths in a synchronistic way, with some soldiers about to deploy, some veterans, a few families whose loved one was in Afghanistan, a wounded vet....it kept happening more than usual.  In a moving conversation with a soldier ready to be deployed, and his family, his wife made me aware of the organization, Soldier's Angels. 

I was intrigued by the breadth and depth of this non-profit with hundreds of thousands of volunteers ...to fully describe their work, options for volunteers, and the need for community organizers.  This soldier's wife was so enthusiastic about this organization and the profusion of ways to provide support for a soldier. She offered to get together with me after her husband's deployment to fully explain the nature of those who might wish to support this mission in their own community.   

Soldier's Angels has a mantra:  "May No Soldier Go Unloved".

If you have already begun to think, "Where would I fit that time in my busy schedule?", or "How much do I have to spend on this?"..........STOP!......REWIND!......THINK!

I say this because there are so many ways in which you can support a soldier ....from Letter Writing Teams.....to adopting a soldier.....and on and on.  Soldier's Angels has really streamlined their mission.  If you were to make a commitment to adopt a soldier, the financial commitment could be as low as $9.50 per month, the cost of a one-hour telephone calling card so that the soldier can have communication with his / her family and friends back home.

For a commitment which costs nothing, you can write a soldier a letter once a week.....a different soldier each week.  Folks, let's be honest....you can almost use the same letter each week! And if five minutes a week is too much for you to give to our soldiers, then there are many options which could take even less time.

THIS HAS NO POLITICALLY PARTISAN FLAVOR!  NO MATTER WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT THE WAR, THE FACT IS THAT MANY OF OUR MEN AND WOMEN ARE ON FRONT LINES, PUTTING THEIR LIVES AT RISK SO THAT YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO CONTINUE DAILY LIFE!  

WE EACH HAVE 10,080 MINUTES EACH  WEEK.  CAN YOU SPARE AT LEAST FIVE......YES!  only 5 ...... OF THEM FOR A SOLDIER IN HARM'S WAY...OR A SOLDIER WHO HAS BEEN SEVERELY WOUNDED....OR THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS, MISSING THEM SO MUCH?

PLEASE CHECK OUT THIS LINK, and help in SOME way:

http://soldiersangels.org/about-us.html

Thank you!

Merry Christmas!

Madelaine 

The Wikileaks Documentary -- Full Version

This ... the documentary... is absolutely compelling!

Blue Print For Freedom by Raymon Grace Part I

In October, I went to a weekend conference facilitated by Raymon Grace.  I have yet to process all that I learned.  The facets of Raymon, and his work on this earth are so many that it is difficult to know where to begin.  He is one of the most genuine, logical, reverent and humble people I have ever met.  With only that, he is a most unusual individual.  In using a seasonal metaphor and as I blog about the facets of this human diamond, the lessons I learned from him "dance through my head like sugar plums".  Usually I am not at a loss for words (!), but this process has been simmering for weeks!  Where in the world to begin?  Well, as Nike says, "Just do it!"

First, I was drawn to Raymon's missions on this earth ....many right there.  So, I am going to begin with his work with human trafficking...a subject and area which I was an advocate for a few years.  Trafficking is alive and well in my hometown, and as time went along, I became witness to two occasions with young women who were abducted for this purpose.  One used her criminal savvy wonderfully to bring in law enforcement...that had a joyous ending.  The other young woman...we pray often for her. She was never heard from again.

Beyond that, Raymon has embraced a mission which is committed to each and every person on this planet having clean drinking water.  As I go along, because there is much to tell of his work, I will try to let Raymon himself tell the story, from his own videos.

I am going to paste some words from Raymon's own site about this missions.  The video, one of several, will begin his own discussion about his beliefs:

The Raymon Grace Foundation

The Raymon Grace Foundation is a 501 (c) private foundation created to further the work of Raymon Grace.

The Foundation primarily focuses on projects that concern clean water, and clearing energy for people and places that promote health and spiritual well being. The Foundation will also consider other projects that are beneficial to our environment and humanity.

Foundation founder Raymon Grace, a native of Southwest Virginia, has studied various forms of healing for more than 30 years with teachers such as Rolling Thunder, a Cherokee medicine man and Chief Two Trees, Cherokee chief and healer.

Raymon explains the Foundation’s focus by saying,"Each day there are more and more people using and polluting water, resulting in less drinkable water . This is a trend that cannot continue if our descendants are to survive. We must stop this trend.”