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Traci Stein Ph.D., MPH

The Integrationist

Dealing With Everyday Sadists and Other "Dark Personalities"

5 important tips for protecting yourself from those who would do you harm

Posted Aug 20, 2014

There are several personality types that are more likely to harm another than the average person would. Sadists possess an intrinsic motivation to inflict suffering on innocent others, even when this comes at a personal cost. This is because for sadistic personalities, cruelty is pleasurable, generally exciting, and can be sexually stimulating.

In a recent study, Buckels and colleagues examined examples of everyday sadism as part of what they refer to as the “Dark Tetrad,” sadism plus the original members of the “Dark Triad”—psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism. These personalities have some overlap and are characterized by callous manipulation, self-centeredness, disagreeableness, and exploitation. In their research, the team sought to determine whether everyday sadism could be captured in the laboratory, as well as whether measures of sadistic personality would predict these behaviors beyond already established measures of the Dark Triad. Among the findings were that sadistic personalities were the most likely members of the Dark Tetrad to select the task involving killing from an array of unpleasant tasks. Those sadists who killed more bugs derived greater pleasure from the act than those who killed fewer bugs.

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In a second, related study, those high in sadism, psychopathy, and/or narcissism, as well as those low in empathy and perspective-taking, were willing to aggress against an innocent person when aggression was easy. Only sadists increased the intensity of their attack once they realized the person would not fight back, however. Furthermore, sadists, unlike the other "dark personalities," were the only ones willing to expend additional time and energy (in this case, first completing a boring task) in order to have the opportunity to hurt an innocent person.

Previous research has found that although psychopaths have no qualms about hurting others, they are more likely to do so when it serves a specific purpose. Narcissists are less likely to aggress upon another unless their ego is threatened. Machiavellians will usually aggress upon others only if there are sufficient perceived benefits and the risk to themselves is acceptably low.  

Sadists (and Other Members of the Dark Tetrad) in Everyday Life

Most of us will encounter an "everyday sadist"—someone who actively seeks to cause us emotional pain. Given the potential for overlap among sadism, narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, for the purposes of the below we will refer to anyone who purposefully causes emotional harm as an everyday sadist, or ES. The actions of an ES can range from the petty to the severe.

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Common examples of everyday sadism include:

• Intentionally repeating secrets that the ES promised to keep private 
• Portraying someone in a false or unflattering light in an effort to damage their reputation
• Working to bring about someone’s being fired or otherwise jeopardize their job in the absence of cause
• Seeking to ruin another person's relationship
• Theft of property—physical, financial, or intellectual
• Deliberately marginalizing a coworker, classmate, or family member, or student
• Cyber or other bullying

ESs can be very skillful at orchestrating such situations, and often set them up so that it is difficult to prove that they are culpable (they will never take responsibility or feel remorse for harming another, regardless). Because of their ability to charm others, ESs may be popular, professionally successful or socially influential, and thus, others may be either unaware or unable to acknowledge the deliberate and harmful nature of their actions.

As described above, the ES may seek to harm another because they believe it benefits them in some way, because they feel threatened or envious, if they perceive the target as weak and/or unlikely to retaliate, or simply because hurting another is pleasurable. In some cases, the reason for the attack may be difficult for the victim to discern. Although we may like to think of ESs as strangers, the ES may very well be someone you know and consider yourself close to, such as a family member, friend, partner, or colleague.

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Some Everyday Scenario“Mike” experienced considerable self-consciousness and anxiety when he lost his job and was having a hard time finding another one. Mike sought support by talking to his brother “Jerry,” but asked Jerry not to tell anyone else. Jerry agreed. Several weeks later, Jerry invited Mike to what he described as a “casual barbeque” at his house. Mike was uncomfortably surprised when he arrived at what turned out to be a party to celebrate Jerry’s recent promotion. 

He was further stunned and self-conscious when several of the other guests offered their condolences to Mike on the loss of his job.  

When Mike later raised the issue with Jerry, Jerry denied revealing Mike’s secret and said he had “no idea” Mike would feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. Mike remembered felt guilty for assuming the worst about Jerry, but still had a difficult time sitting with his anger and resentment. Although Mike wanted to accept Jerry’s excuse, he realized that throughout their relationship, he and Jerry had engaged in a dance where Jerry attempted to draw Mike in, “unintentionally” hurt him, and always denied responsibility.

“Janice” had been friends with “Kelly” since grade school. As teens, Janice told Kelly that she liked “Jim.” Soon after this disclosure, Kelly began dating him. Although Janice remembered having felt betrayed, foolish, and profoundly hurt, she reluctantly accepted Kelly’s explanation that she and Jim were “meant for each other.”  Kelly’s passion for Jim quickly dwindled when Janice began dating someone else, however, and Kelly soon dropped a heartbroken Jim only to flirtwith Janice’s new boyfriend. Attempts to discuss similar situations with Kelly over the years invariably led to denials and profuse declarations of her loyalty to Janice. When Janice would attempt to create distance from her, Kelly worked hard to draw Janice back in. Janice usually wound up forgiving Kelly, until, years later, Janice walked in on her husband having an affair—with Kelly—in Janice’s bed. Remarkably, Janice recalled wondering what she could have done to make her husband prefer Kelly over her.

ESs can make you doubt your sanity and question whether you are entitled to be angry. In the study referenced earlier, members of the Dark Tetrad were more willing than the average person to inflict harm in the complete absence of provocation. Sadists in particular increased the intensity of their attack once they realized that the innocent person would not fight back.

What Can You Do?

1. Pay attention to your feelings. Members of the Dark Tetrad are supremely skilled at inducing self-doubt, shock, shame, anger, and feeling betrayed—as well as guilt for having these feelings about the offender. If your interactions with the someone in your life are characterized by the above, you may very well be dealing with someone who fits into one of the DT categories. 
2. Acknowledge and release any hope of changing, “healing,” or “reforming” the ES or other “dark personality.” It won’t work, and will only convey another “weakness” to someone who is essentially exploitative, callous, and will delight in your continued suffering or humiliation. Relatedly, let go of any hope that the ES will acknowledge wrongdoing or be remorseful. It's not in their nature.
3. Examine whether you may be a “prime target.” ESs are uncannily able to discern when someone is likely to tolerate, ignore, deny, rationalize, or even take responsibility for the ES’s malicious behavior for whatever reason. If you tend to attract ESs in your life either at work or in social relationships, ask yourself why you have tolerated this kind of treatment thus far. Write down the costs and benefits of remaining in relationships with people who treat you poorly. Seek support from those who have a track record of respecting your boundaries and treating you well.
4. Decide what healthy limits will look like for you—or what kind of boundary you will need to establish in order to feel emotionally or otherwise safe with the ES, if this is someone you will continue to deal with in some way (e.g., if the ES is a boss, sibling, parent or in-law). Setting healthy boundaries may include limiting the frequency and/or duration of encounters with the ES, being selective about what you reveal to him/her, or cutting off contact altogether for either a period of time or indefinitely.  Initially, the ES will likely resist your efforts to change your relationship, but if you are consistent with maintaining the new boundaries, eventually they will have to look for their “supply” elsewhere.
5. When in doubt, seek professional help. Many people have a difficult time wrapping their minds around the idea of someone they know taking delight in their misery, particularly if the ES is someone close to them. It’s just not how most people are wired, and the rest of us tend to assume others will operate according to the same social rules and personal values we honor. A common response is to resolve any cognitive dissonance between what you observe and what is comfortable to believe by denying the problem. A professional can help you perform the necessary “reality check” and develop a plan to protect yourself. 

Everyone has caused emotional hurt in some way at some point, whether out of ignorance, in the heat of an argument, or when having felt threatened. Key components in everyday sadism, however, are the intention to harm, pleasure in causing another's distress, a lack or remorse, and failure to take responsibility. The above tips can help you spot others who are intentionally harmful and take steps to protect yourself.

Be well!

For further reading:

Buckels, E. E., Jones, D. N., & Paulhus, D. L. (2013). Behavioral confirmation of everyday sadism. Psychological Science, 24(11), 2201-2209.

Furham, A., Richards, S. C., & Paulhus, D. L. (2013). The dark triad of personality: A 10 year review. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 7(3), 199-2

About the Author

Dr. Traci Stein, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist, certified clinical hypnotherapist, and health educator who integrates complementary/alternative and conventional healing approaches.

Il Divo - Hallelujah (Alelujah) (Live Video)

Exquisite, on so many levels! I particularly love the serenity of their facial and body language, and the precision of each of them.......and their joyful  expressions which reveal their love of their art.

"It's Time to Say Goodbye" ~ another beautifully heart-wrenching song

https://ildivo.com/

Il Divo has stood out for its mixture of opera in songs of different genres, thus becoming an icon of the crossover groups of classical music. Since its debut in 2004, the group comprising the Spanish Carlos Marin, the Swiss tenor Urs Buhler, the Frenchman Sebastien Izambard and the American tenor David Miller, triumphed on the most important stages around the world and have sold millions of records as throughout his career.

Currently, Il Divo returns with a unique and unique material that brings together the songs of love and romance of all times.

For the past 15 years, at Il Divo we have taken songs from a wide variety of genres and made them unmistakably ours. Now we wanted to make a tournament through time and overcome all the differences between the styles of different areas, with Urs, when talking about the preparations of “Timeless”

“This album represents our tribute to the eternal nature of all music…” declared David.

While Carlos said, “Timeless is for me one of the most special records we have done so far in our career with IL DIVO. We select songs from all periods that have been reproduced in movies and amazing romantic soundtracks from the 30 to songs of our days such as the mythical song “Smile” based on an instrumental theme used in the soundtrack of the 1936 film Charlie Chaplin”.

Thus arises his new and awaited album “TIMELESS”, the seventh album of his career, for the first time under the executive production of Il Divo, totally produced, mixed and mastered by Alberto Quintero in Los Angeles. In the month of August will go on sale, however the world launch will be on April 18 in Mexico and let us delight with the eternal anthems of romance, mostly famous and popular in different languages, which will bring us to the memories great unforgettable moments.

“I’m very proud of this record and I bring it to life on stage with incredible ideas. I hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoy creating it.” said Sebastien.

The tour of the album, “TIMELESS TOUR” will begin on April 20 in Mexico City and will end, after eight months of world tour, passing through Asia, South Africa, Australia and Latin America; in the United States with 40 shows giving a total of 120 annual where the public will enjoy the classics renewed in the masterful voices of Il Divo that will tour the most important scenarios .

Once again trying to take a step forward “Timeless Tour” will be an elegant, romantic, dramatic and sensual show that will include elements such as video, dancers, acrobatics and above all: Voices! A trip to the most exciting experience of Il Divo so far!Joined by Simon Cowell in 2003, Urs Buhler, Sebastien Izambard, Carlos Marin and David Miller, pioneered an entirely new musical genre when they released their groundbreaking debut album in 2004. Since then, the group of four international members has achieved success without comparison in the whole world, with more than 30 million discs sold, 50 discs No.1, 160 recognitions of Gold and Platinum in more than 33 countries and four world tours with all tickets sold.Il Divo have released seven albums to date. After the debut album that bears his name (and whose sales earned them the Platinum album), his later albums – Ancora (2005), Siempre (2006), The Promise (2008) and Wicked Game (2011) – have developed the successful combination of virtuosity and popularity of the group. With their recording of 2013, A Musical Affair, they celebrated the classics of Broadway and The West End. In 2015 they released “Amor y Pasion” compiling the best Hispanic songs, debuting in the first week at number 1 of the Latin Albums Chart, with 5 thousand copies sold in America in the first week, according to the Billboard magazine.

Un soldado a casa regreso
Y un niño enfermo se curo
Y hoy no hay trabajo en el bosque de la lluvia

Un desamparado se salvo
Por causa de una buena acción
Y hoy ya nadie lo repudia, Aleluya

Aleluya, Aleluya
Aleluya, Aleluya

Un ateo que consiguió creer
Y un hambriento y tener de comer
Y hoy donaron a una iglesia una fortuna

Que la guerra pronto se acabara
Que en el mundo al fin reinara la paz
Que no habrá miseria alguna, Aleluya

Aleluya, Aleluya
Aleluya, Aleluya

Porque la norma sea el amor
Y no gobierne la cruzión sino
Lo bueno y lo mejor del alma pura

Porque Dios nos proteja de un mal final
Porque un día podamos estar de en tal
Porque acaben un día con tanta furia, Aleluya

Aleluya, Aleluya
Aleluya, Aleluya
Aleluya, Aleluya